Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Let It Go

I was looking back and saw that it's been a long time since I have posted anything. I guess it's because I feel as if my life is grand and finally back on track. My kids are wonderful! My daughter was in marching band and for only playing the flute for two years, and only being a freshman, made a huge accomplishment of getting second chair in her symphony band. She maintains her grades of A's and really, I couldn't ask for a better daughter. My son was on the football team again this year and had a great season. Right at this moment, he has a 4.0! My son is pretty awesome too! I feel so blessed to have such wonderful children in my home.

They both have adjusted to life in the Cser home rather well. And since late August, our home has been the happiest that it's been in quite some time. Both kids hardly ever fight, if you can believe that!

I haven't had too many things that are widow related to need to write about. I still think of Chris on a daily basis. He is always with me in my heart. I no longer feel as if there is this hole or void there from when he passed away. I'm not seriously dating anyone and I think it's just because at my age, I know exactly what I want. I know my worth and how valuable and wonderful I am. I will only allow someone to get serious with that can recognize that and that has those same qualities himself. The hole that I thought existed really wasn't there because he has always occupied my heart. And any small voids that may have existed from losing him physically, my love for my children has certainly filled. Overfilled as a matter of fact!

December 8 & 9 has passed this year. Again. It wasn't as bad this year, the nightmares are certainly a harsh reminder. But, I was actually at peace. That is until I discovered that someone that is hellbent on trying to make my life miserable interfered. I'm really not sure why some people just can't get on with their lives. I was his wife! I really don't give a damn if you liked it or not. I wasn't your wife, I was his! He chose me without regard to what anyone thought! Well, maybe except his grandma, and considering that she introduced me as her granddaughter and that I was given her bible, I do think that she approved! We made each other happy!

Seriously, get over it!

Chris is gone, I don't have to deal with you and you don't have to deal with me. Yet, for some reason, you (whomever you are, and I have a short list of suspects) seem determined to continue to hurt me. You really need to examine that and ask yourself why? If you want my honest opinion, it's kind of flattering that you continue to think of me and that I have this lasting effect on you! Other than messing with my children and throwing me a punch in the dark like this, I'm not effected at all by you, his family, or nasty people from his past, I don't even think about Chris's family or those that think they were family (with the exception of one or two aunts and a cousin and of course his beloved grandmother)


So, you managed to upset me by reporting to Facebook that he is deceased and getting his account removed. I do admit that for a few hours, I was terribly, terribly upset. Then it occurred to me: I don't need his Facebook account to validate his existence in this world. If you knew Chris, you knew how much time he spent on his Facebook. That was HIS footprint in this world! I have several mementos around my home to remind me of him. Heck, I still have some of his ashes in my home. And when I feel as if I need him close, I will wear one of two necklaces that have his ashes in them. That way, he is physically close to my heart.

My point today is to say that my life is utterly fantastic these days! This entire Facebook thing was just a hiccup. I knew that his account needed to be memorialized, but I really didn't do it because on certain days of the year I thought keeping it "active" would allow his friends and family to write him something. I, myself, hadn't written anything on his wall in quite some time. So, I'm okay with this. The only person that was really "damaged" was Chris. And that's a shame that some people can't just let it go!

Friday, February 5, 2016

Some Bothering Thoughts

I know that it has been quite some time since I've last sat down before the keyboard and typed down my personal thoughts for you. But, for about the last month I've been having some difficult thoughts and when that happens, the best way to rid myself of them is to write them down. This time, I decided to share them with you. I'm sure that the offenders of my exasperating thoughts won't actually read this, but that's OK. Just writing this here is the relief that I really need. So, here goes:

There's just so much drama that I try to escape. I really dislike drama. I'm not in high school anymore. I even chuckle at all the drama that I have to endure when reading all of my teenage daughter's messages. But, I stay out of her drama and only get involved when she asks my advice. Well, I guess all that I really have to say to a few people that are causing drama in my life now is "get over it". I have. I'm not perfect. I won't say that I don't ever hold a grudge, because I do. I'm not an easy person to just forgive, I guess that I prefer to turn the other cheek instead of forgiving. It's just easier. And relieves me of the stress when I just can't forgive.

I know that there are many people in this world that just don't like me. And I'm at that point in my life that I'm beyond caring about it. If you don't like me, oh well, good for you and I wish you well. I am not going to go out of my way to make nice. If someone wants to spread rumors and someone chooses to believe them, I wish them all nothing but happiness and go about my day as usual. I guess the person that believes them doesn't really know me and that's not the kind of person that I need in my life. I have a plethora of very good people in my life right now that know what a good person that I am. Despite what some people wish to think about me, I do not have a malicious bone in my body, I am a kind, caring and giving person. I'm also so very secure with the person that I am, and I just don't care what people say and think about me anymore. I just wastes too much time, and energy.

Here's another "shocker", I have so much disdain for drama that I have left my gossiping days where they belong, in high school! Yes, I do have my occasional moment when I might chat about something shocking that I've heard. But long forgotten people that have zero bearing on my life, nope!! You, my friends are not prime subject matter. Nor are you even minute subject matter. I can't even recall the last time that your name even crossed my mind before you started this drama of contacting my minor daughter!!

So, I really am not trying to defend myself, because I haven't done anything that needs defending. I am not trying to get anyone to like me. Like me or don't like me. It's your choice. I even tell my kids that. I tell them that they do not have to love me, but I want them to know that I love them. So, on that note, I will say this: I really have no feelings one way or another for these people that have caused the latest chapter of drama in my life. I don't care if they like me, hate me, loathe me, or detest me. Yes, I was deeply upset at what I had heard one of them said at Chris's funeral, but I'm over it. It's on you, not me. You may see him again some day, and you can take that up with him. I never had any real hard issues with any of you. There may have been some bumps in the road with one, but whatever, I can turn the other cheek and it's gone. I wish you no ill will, none of you. I never have. Believe it or not, aside from the funeral and a handful of incidents after, I had no issues with you. And if not for this BS drama that you stirred up now, you wouldn't even be a thought in my head right now. So, get over it. I really wish you and your families nothing but the absolute best in this life. There are only two reasons that I'm writing this now, because I just needed to put it out of my head, yes bravo, you got to me because you bothered by child, and two to let you know this: Please let me and my family live our life as we see fit and do not ever contact either of my children again.

Oh, one last thought to clear things up.... I did not have the fundraiser for Chris's son. My wonderful childhood friend Tara held the fundraiser for ME. I used the money that was raised to purchase his burial plot, headstone, and pay for the burial. I took what was left and opened a CD for his son that has been rolled over and will continue to be rolled over until he is 18 and attends college or a trade school. At which time, I will give his school the money. (Although, I'm thinking of just donating to an animal shelter because I'm pretty tired of seeing messages being sent to my daughter and me over and over mentioning this money. Not to mention me being called "sick" and "scum" over this. Yet, I'm sure that my conscience won't let me do that.) So, I really hope that this clears it up for everyone.