Friday, February 5, 2016

Some Bothering Thoughts

I know that it has been quite some time since I've last sat down before the keyboard and typed down my personal thoughts for you. But, for about the last month I've been having some difficult thoughts and when that happens, the best way to rid myself of them is to write them down. This time, I decided to share them with you. I'm sure that the offenders of my exasperating thoughts won't actually read this, but that's OK. Just writing this here is the relief that I really need. So, here goes:

There's just so much drama that I try to escape. I really dislike drama. I'm not in high school anymore. I even chuckle at all the drama that I have to endure when reading all of my teenage daughter's messages. But, I stay out of her drama and only get involved when she asks my advice. Well, I guess all that I really have to say to a few people that are causing drama in my life now is "get over it". I have. I'm not perfect. I won't say that I don't ever hold a grudge, because I do. I'm not an easy person to just forgive, I guess that I prefer to turn the other cheek instead of forgiving. It's just easier. And relieves me of the stress when I just can't forgive.

I know that there are many people in this world that just don't like me. And I'm at that point in my life that I'm beyond caring about it. If you don't like me, oh well, good for you and I wish you well. I am not going to go out of my way to make nice. If someone wants to spread rumors and someone chooses to believe them, I wish them all nothing but happiness and go about my day as usual. I guess the person that believes them doesn't really know me and that's not the kind of person that I need in my life. I have a plethora of very good people in my life right now that know what a good person that I am. Despite what some people wish to think about me, I do not have a malicious bone in my body, I am a kind, caring and giving person. I'm also so very secure with the person that I am, and I just don't care what people say and think about me anymore. I just wastes too much time, and energy.

Here's another "shocker", I have so much disdain for drama that I have left my gossiping days where they belong, in high school! Yes, I do have my occasional moment when I might chat about something shocking that I've heard. But long forgotten people that have zero bearing on my life, nope!! You, my friends are not prime subject matter. Nor are you even minute subject matter. I can't even recall the last time that your name even crossed my mind before you started this drama of contacting my minor daughter!!

So, I really am not trying to defend myself, because I haven't done anything that needs defending. I am not trying to get anyone to like me. Like me or don't like me. It's your choice. I even tell my kids that. I tell them that they do not have to love me, but I want them to know that I love them. So, on that note, I will say this: I really have no feelings one way or another for these people that have caused the latest chapter of drama in my life. I don't care if they like me, hate me, loathe me, or detest me. Yes, I was deeply upset at what I had heard one of them said at Chris's funeral, but I'm over it. It's on you, not me. You may see him again some day, and you can take that up with him. I never had any real hard issues with any of you. There may have been some bumps in the road with one, but whatever, I can turn the other cheek and it's gone. I wish you no ill will, none of you. I never have. Believe it or not, aside from the funeral and a handful of incidents after, I had no issues with you. And if not for this BS drama that you stirred up now, you wouldn't even be a thought in my head right now. So, get over it. I really wish you and your families nothing but the absolute best in this life. There are only two reasons that I'm writing this now, because I just needed to put it out of my head, yes bravo, you got to me because you bothered by child, and two to let you know this: Please let me and my family live our life as we see fit and do not ever contact either of my children again.

Oh, one last thought to clear things up.... I did not have the fundraiser for Chris's son. My wonderful childhood friend Tara held the fundraiser for ME. I used the money that was raised to purchase his burial plot, headstone, and pay for the burial. I took what was left and opened a CD for his son that has been rolled over and will continue to be rolled over until he is 18 and attends college or a trade school. At which time, I will give his school the money. (Although, I'm thinking of just donating to an animal shelter because I'm pretty tired of seeing messages being sent to my daughter and me over and over mentioning this money. Not to mention me being called "sick" and "scum" over this. Yet, I'm sure that my conscience won't let me do that.) So, I really hope that this clears it up for everyone.

Thursday, June 19, 2014


I had dinner last night with my widow friends. I don't know why, but I always specify that they are my widow friends. I do sometimes say that I'm hanging out with some old high school friends or work friends instead of just "friends". So, I guess that I just specify which "group" of friends I was with. But, these women are very special to me. One subject that was brought up was how several of our "group" have stopped coming. They have stopped for one reason or another.

It was interesting to me because I feel such a deep connection to these women that I just don't feel with any other group of friends. They know what I have experienced, they know what I have been through, they know the journey that I have taken and some know the journey that I have yet to take. I can't imagine leaving them. No matter where my life takes me, these are the women that I want by my side.

There is a core group of us, I'm more of a part-timer in this group because of different obligations with the kids. But, I really have made a connection with this group of women. I don't look at them as poor, sad, lonely widows. I look at them as strong, courageous friends. We manage to laugh and truly have a good time during our dinners, or whatever it may be that we choose to do.

When a new face comes into our group, we welcome him or her. We embrace her and let her know that she is one of us. We give her hope that life indeed can and will get better. I know that I was welcomed into this group with open arms. Everyone was so friendly, they let me cry when I needed to cry. They got me to laugh when I needed to laugh.

We have this connection that is a God awful reason to connect. But, through our tragedies and misfortunes, we have managed to bond, share our war stories and form life long friendships. I am so grateful for my friends. I don't know where I would be today without them. And I know that no matter where I am at in my journey through life, if I ever need them, they will be there for me.

Friday, May 30, 2014


I love this song. And every time that I hear the chorus, I can't help but think of one person....

Wow, I feel much better getting that off my chest!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Still Grieving

It's been over four years. Today the pain is immense. I can't tell you why because I just don't know. I've been thinking of him often lately. More often than normal that is. It hurts. My heart is swollen and I feel every heart beat like someone is hitting me in the chest with a hammer. I thought that I was over this stage of the grieving process. I thought that I had found some peace. Was it just for that moment that I was in a peaceful place?

I don't know.

I have come to terms with what has happened. I realize that he is gone and never coming back. I even have a sense of peace when I think about him. Almost as if I know that he's at peace. I feel that he's in a good place now. I'm just being selfish because I miss him and I want him here with me.

When I'm having a bad day, it's still Chris that I want to talk to. When I'm having a good day, it's still Chris that I want to share my good news with. One would think that after four years, I wouldn't feel this way any more. But, I can't help it. He still holds a huge piece of my heart. Even though my children occupy my heart, nobody will ever replace the hole that exists because he was taken from me.

So, four years and four months later, I'm still grieving for him. I still have panic attacks. Even in the middle of the night, I have panic attacks. I will never stop loving him, but when will this roller coaster of emotions and attacks end?

Monday, November 25, 2013


I went to my class reunion this past weekend. I missed the last one because of two reasons. One was that I had gained so much weight, I was embarrassed and two, Chris couldn't go because of his drinking. I wanted to take Chris to show everyone that yes, I had become a cow. I went from skinny Minnie to Henrietta the Heifer. But, at least I had an incredibly handsome husband that truly loved me. I don't know why I cared so much what they thought of me. I didn't care so much in high school. Maybe because I fit in in high school and I didn't anymore.

This time, it was different. I didn't want to go for a different reason. A close friend had taken pictures of the house the day after Chris was murdered. I was horrified, pissed, saddened, you name it, any negative feeling that you can experience, I probably felt it. I couldn't even look at her any more. My brother asked her to leave the courtroom without speaking to me or my family and to never speak to us again.

Well some time later, a mutual friend got it in her head to bring us together. I agreed to the meeting, only because the mutual friend lived out of town and I really wanted to see her. So we met, the photographer hugged me and acted like I was the biggest asshole on the face of the earth. I couldn't believe it. How dare she! How dare she take the pictures without asking, without my permission, and then treat me like I'm the scum of the earth because I actually had the audacity to meet with her?!?!

I vowed as I walked out of that bowling alley that I would never be friends with her EVER!

And here we are, almost three years or so later. It's our 25th reunion. I didn't want to go because I had a really bad PTSD episode while driving and my son was in the car. Thankfully, we were only a few blocks from home, and he really can be the absolute kindest and sweetest kid there is. I didn't want to have an episode at the reunion. Sometimes when I see just her name on FB, it brings up memories and one thing leads to another and I can start to shake or whatever. I didn't want to have to deal with it if I saw her in person. I contacted one of the coordinators and she said that the "photographer" was a definite no for the reunion. So, I contemplated, and decided to go. Then I saw that the "photographer" started commenting more and more on posts on the Facebook reunion event. She even managed to tag me in a photo, not sure how since we certainly are not friend's on Facebook. I started to get worried, so my absolute closest friend from high school agreed to go to the reunion with me.

As soon as I walked in the door, the photographer was the first person that I saw. I quickly walked inside to check in. I was saying my hello's and it seemed as soon as my friend walked away, the "photographer" swooped in to say hello and tried to hug me. I almost froze. I ended up blocking the hug by putting my hands up and saying that I can't. She seemed mad and hurt. I thought "excuse me? You're the one that took these unauthorized pictures of my home. YOU are the one that has this sick fascination, no make that obsession with the macabre! YOU are the one that hurt ME and MY HUSBAND, not the other way around." You made your bed, now you must lie in it. I don't think that she realizes exactly how much this has hurt me.

Thankfully, my good friend from high school was with me. She saved me. She had a little talk with the "photographer" and hopefully, got her to understand my point of view of how what she did was wrong. Not just wrong but despicable! I really don't care what her excuse was or is, she was itching to get into my home the entire day. The moment I let her, she grabbed a camera. She never even asked if it was OK. Did she know that I would say no? I know for a fact that she is a sadomasochist. She's sick in the head. I have laid in bed wondering what has become of those pictures, who has she shown them to, or where have they ended up? I doubt that she went home Saturday and deleted the pictures. But, if nothing else came from their "private" conversation, at least the "photographer" should have enough sense to leave me alone now.

The other person that I need to address is the mutual friend. I'm thinking that this person really is not a friend to me at all because she obviously cannot respect my wishes to keep the status quo with the "photographer". I do not want to be friends with her. The "photographer" wants to be friends. I never asked the mutual friend to take sides, but all that I ask is for her to respect my wishes, just say "Hey, I'm not going to take sides. I'm not saying that you are right or that she is right. I am going to be friends with you and I am going to be friends with her. If you can't handle that, then I can't be friends with you." This is something that I have told my daughter to say to her friends when she is caught in the middle of feuding friends. I don't expect anyone to take sides. I just expect them to respect my wishes. I don't ever ask about her, I don't want to know about her. I don't even want to know that she exists. So please, maintain your relationship with her, just leave me out of it. If you continue to insist that we become friends again, you must not respect me nor my friendship and I will not continue my friendship with you. If you want to maintain our friendship, don't talk about me to her and please don't ever mention her name to me. If she ever asks about me, simply say, I'd rather not discuss that. You know I don't want to get involved. It's that easy.

I went to the reunion. I was surprised that I didn't get the "tell me about your husbands death!" nor did I get the pity looks. I loved that about my classmates. I actually had a wonderful time. One of the first times since Chris passed away, I had a truly wonderful time, and I wouldn't have had such a good time had it not been for one lovely friend, my BFF from HS!!! Love you girlie!!!!!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Children's Cooking Contest

I know that I have indeed taken a break from blogging about being a widow. And today, I am going to take a huge detour:

I have two wonderful kids. They have been through so much more in their short little lives than most people will have to endure in an entire lifetime. Just like they gave me a second chance at life, I have given them a chance to change their futures. They are awesome kids, and I want to show them that even though life can truly suck at times, there really are so many beautiful things that happen to make life worth living. Over the weekend, both of my children were entered into a cooking contest. I would welcome anyone to click on the links and vote for them. You can vote on each video once per 24 hour period. 

Thanks for any help that you can provide.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Remembering That Night

I'm having some difficulty with remembering that night. It's not that I can't remember, it's that it's still very vivid in my mind. I've been hearing a certain song lately. It's a song that has special meaning to me. Chris was pretty vocal, if you upset him, he let you know. If he had anything to say, he most definitely let you know! The only time that he ever was at a loss for words was when he upset me. And then, he would play and sing a certain song to me. Oh, he had such a beautiful voice too.

I'm not sure why this song has been playing a lot lately. I haven't been purposely playing it, it just comes on. And it seems to start playing when I'm feeling a bit blue. And as much as I hate to admit it, I sometimes place the blame on him because he was so friendly. He had to be friends with everyone. I try to blame him in that if he had never spoken with this monster, he would still be here with me today. But, I know that it wasn't his fault.

For some reason, I started having flashbacks of that night. It started one night while driving home from work and I seemed to be back to that night and on the phone with him. Every thought, feeling, and sensation was exactly the same as it was that night in December 2009. Well, everything was the same except for one feeling. This time, I had this feeling of dread at arriving home.

You see, back in 2009, I seriously thought, "How bad can it be, he called me, not 911" and I honestly thought that he was OK. Well, now I know how bad it was. My panic attacks have slowly started coming back. And when I think of how much I still love him, it hurts even more.

I will always love him. I will never forget him, but it hurts so badly when I think of him. I'm being selfish because I know that he's "in a better place" and does not have the worries that he had here on earth. I will never understand why this had to happen. I may not accept it and I may never find "peace" with it.  But, I will find peace in knowing that we loved each other very much and he will not only be remembered forever, he will always live in my heart.