Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Still Grieving

It's been over four years. Today the pain is immense. I can't tell you why because I just don't know. I've been thinking of him often lately. More often than normal that is. It hurts. My heart is swollen and I feel every heart beat like someone is hitting me in the chest with a hammer. I thought that I was over this stage of the grieving process. I thought that I had found some peace. Was it just for that moment that I was in a peaceful place?

I don't know.

I have come to terms with what has happened. I realize that he is gone and never coming back. I even have a sense of peace when I think about him. Almost as if I know that he's at peace. I feel that he's in a good place now. I'm just being selfish because I miss him and I want him here with me.

When I'm having a bad day, it's still Chris that I want to talk to. When I'm having a good day, it's still Chris that I want to share my good news with. One would think that after four years, I wouldn't feel this way any more. But, I can't help it. He still holds a huge piece of my heart. Even though my children occupy my heart, nobody will ever replace the hole that exists because he was taken from me.

So, four years and four months later, I'm still grieving for him. I still have panic attacks. Even in the middle of the night, I have panic attacks. I will never stop loving him, but when will this roller coaster of emotions and attacks end?