Monday, September 23, 2013

Remembering That Night

I'm having some difficulty with remembering that night. It's not that I can't remember, it's that it's still very vivid in my mind. I've been hearing a certain song lately. It's a song that has special meaning to me. Chris was pretty vocal, if you upset him, he let you know. If he had anything to say, he most definitely let you know! The only time that he ever was at a loss for words was when he upset me. And then, he would play and sing a certain song to me. Oh, he had such a beautiful voice too.

I'm not sure why this song has been playing a lot lately. I haven't been purposely playing it, it just comes on. And it seems to start playing when I'm feeling a bit blue. And as much as I hate to admit it, I sometimes place the blame on him because he was so friendly. He had to be friends with everyone. I try to blame him in that if he had never spoken with this monster, he would still be here with me today. But, I know that it wasn't his fault.

For some reason, I started having flashbacks of that night. It started one night while driving home from work and I seemed to be back to that night and on the phone with him. Every thought, feeling, and sensation was exactly the same as it was that night in December 2009. Well, everything was the same except for one feeling. This time, I had this feeling of dread at arriving home.

You see, back in 2009, I seriously thought, "How bad can it be, he called me, not 911" and I honestly thought that he was OK. Well, now I know how bad it was. My panic attacks have slowly started coming back. And when I think of how much I still love him, it hurts even more.

I will always love him. I will never forget him, but it hurts so badly when I think of him. I'm being selfish because I know that he's "in a better place" and does not have the worries that he had here on earth. I will never understand why this had to happen. I may not accept it and I may never find "peace" with it.  But, I will find peace in knowing that we loved each other very much and he will not only be remembered forever, he will always live in my heart.