Friday, December 7, 2012

I Did It

Well, I finally removed my rings last night. I took them off, then cried and wanted to put them back on. It's been a very hard night. I knew that it was time. I've been so aware of my rings for awhile now. I've worn them for 5 years, 3 of them without Chris. So, it was definitely time. I don't feel married anymore. But, I looked at the rings as a symbol of the love that we felt for each other. I know that my love for him is absolutely in no way diminished because I am not wearing the rings. But, why do I feel so awful today?

I have two wonderful children in my life right now, and they are what my focus is on. I cannot allow my grief to overtake my life. I will always grieve for Chris. Not a day will go by that I won't think of him and miss him. But, I just cannot allow the grief to take center stage. However, the 8th and 9th are always a difficult time for me, and this year is no exception.  Thankfully, I have two wonderful children that make life worth living. All that I have to do is look at them, or even their pictures, and I am reminded that my life certainly has purpose again.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

One Week Away

I have survived nearly 3 years without the love of my life. I still cry, just not nightly. I still miss him, with all my heart! I was fine, or relatively fine, on our wedding anniversary. I was content on Thanksgiving. Yet, "that day" is just one week away. I'm glad that it's on a Saturday night because every year, I light a candle at exactly 12:29 am on December 9. I also say a prayer for my beloved. So, at least this year, I will be able to stay awake without worrying about waking up so early for work the next morning.

I'm such a mess this year. I don't know why, so many great things have happened in my life. I have two wonderful children now. I'm getting ready for our first Christmas together. I have accomplished so much that I have wanted to do. Yet, there is this black cloud hanging over my head lately.

I think it's because I am more aware of my wedding rings than ever before. I am constantly fidgeting with it. Last night, I almost removed it. Permanently. But, I hesitated and decided to keep it on. I know that once I remove it, I will not put it back on. It's a decision that I've been pondering for awhile. And it's not a decision that I am going to make lightly. So, I have decided that I'm going to keep wearing it for just one more week.

It's been nearly three years and I am still clinging to Chris. I will always love him, no matter what. But, I just wonder if by continuing to wear this ring is what is keeping me clinging to the past? I know that he will always be with me, but am I still wanting something that I will never have by wearing this ring? I know that he is not returning. I know that the life that we had is over. I know that there has to be a time when I take more steps toward my future. I know that removing the ring does not mean that I love him any less, but for some reason, I'm so afraid to take it off. I know that he will not be forgotten. I know one day we will be reunited. So, one week it is... 12:29 am December 9.