Friday, November 2, 2012

All Soul's Day

Here it is. Another November 2, and I have to celebrate alone. It didn't hit me immediately this morning what day it was. But, when I realized that it was Friday, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay there all day. How can it be that my life is filled with so many blessings right now and I feel so defeated?

I still love Chris and I still have this immense pain in my heart over what happened to him. I suspect that I always will feel this way.

I keep thinking of the day that he proposed. He was nicknamed "Cruise" because some people say that he resembled Tom Cruise (eh, I guess that I can see it.) Well, he lived up to that nickname the day that he proposed. I think of Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah's couch when I remember that glorious day. He just about jumped up and down on the bed when he asked and I said yes!! I don't think that I had seen him smile bigger than that moment. We drove down to Ohio to get married, but ended up waiting until November 2, 2007. On that day, we went to the courthouse and said our vows. The judge that married us was such a wonderful man and he made that day even more special for us.

Being Catholic, and not to mention that one of Chris's cousin's is a priest, we wanted to renew our vows in the church. We picked the five year mark, I really don't remember the reason. Maybe we just agreed that it was a good number.

And here it is, the five year mark. And here I am celebrating this important anniversary without him. Well, I know that he is near, he is always near. And I'm sure that he's proud of what I have done and the blessings that are now a part of my life. But, I think that he might be saddened that on this day, I'm also sad instead of happy. I do count my blessings every day. And I'm thankful to be alive. However, I just can't help feeling like a huge piece of me is missing. Yes, I still have that hole in my heart and today, it beats very hard and is very painful.