Saturday, March 31, 2012

My License

I was surprised to get my mail yesterday. I received an actual paper license for my fostering. I'm so excited to start this journey, yet I'm scared too. I have no idea what child I will welcome into my home. Boy, girl. Toddler, teenager. Shy, outgoing. I really just want to make a difference in a child's life. I know that the most difficult thing will be having to say goodbye when he or she goes home to his/her family. Well, it will be bittersweet. I will be overjoyed that this child will be going back to his/her family where he/she belongs, yet I will miss him/her in my home. I already know this. But, hopefully the time spent with this child will be rewarding for both him/her and me.

All this has me thinking of my stepson a lot lately. His birthday is in a few days. I miss him terribly. But, his mother won't permit me to see him. I have given him Christmas gifts in the past, and I thought about giving him a birthday present. But, the mother doesn't bother to thank me or have him thank me in any form. She doesn't even have my grandmother (well, Chris's grandmother, who gives him my gifts) thank me from him. So, I think that in lieu of a gift, I will make another deposit to his college fund. I've tried making amends with her, but to no avail. The only person missing out is Chris's son. I am the person that knew Chris best over the last few years of his life. And she doesn't want his son to know the sober Chris or me. I made a scrapbook for my stepson. But, I was told that it would probably be best if I didn't give it to him just yet. I doubt that he will ever get that book. I just can't see her allowing me to give it to him. I even set aside some of Chris's belongings to give to him and told her that my stepson could come over and get them. Well, I'm sure that it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she never came by to pick them up.

At least I can say that I've tried. I've made attempts to see him, I've made attempts to give him some of his father's things. However, I've accepted that he is no longer in my life. I will always love my stepson and keep a special place in my heart for him. It's a shame, but I will have my own child and a foster child to nurture and love. I'm anxiously awaiting the phone call that they have a child matched up with me. Despite me missing Chris desperately and missing his son as well, life is good. And I only see it getting better. I truly believe that Chris is my guardian angel looking out for me. Getting this license is just the beginning of the rest of my life.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Dreams Don't Die

For a long time after Chris's passing, I thought that my dreams ended when his life ended. But, I have made some personal strides in my life and I no longer believe that. I know that just because Chris isn't here doesn't mean that my dreams have to fade. They are just altered a bit.

I struggled whether to make this news public or not. But, I decided to announce my news because there are so many new widows each day who thought like I did about dreams fading away. They struggle thinking that their world has ended and can no longer go on. (At least that is precisely how I felt for thirteen months after his passing.) So, I decided to write a little about my dreams and goals and how I'm not going to let them die.

I can now say that I am not letting our dreams die. I had a wake up from a widower that got me thinking. Did I want to live my life just existing, or did I actually want to live my life?? I have chosen to follow his lead and I am now living my life for both Chris and myself.

One of the dreams that we had was to have children. I am proud to say that I have not let that dream die. I will be a mommy. Some little girl or boy will call me "mommy." Is this the way that I dreamed that it would happen? No, absolutely not. I dreamed that my child would be calling Chris "daddy". But, life changed that for me. A monster came into his life and changed that for me. I will never hear my child call Chris "daddy". And yes, my heart breaks. So, this news of becoming a mother was very bittersweet. But, this is something that I dearly wanted and I know that Chris is happy for me.

In the meantime, I have taken a year long journey to become a foster parent. I am so very pleased to announce that just last week I was licensed to foster children. So, in addition to having a child with Chris's last name, I will help a child in need. The only thing that would make me happier right now is to have Chris at my side to welcome these children into our lives.

So, keep your dreams alive. Even though your life has changed dramatically, your dreams don't have to fade away.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

The Right to be Happy

Today was my first day off in over two months and my first full weekend off in almost three months. It was an incredibly beautiful day. I drove down the freeway with the sunroof open and the windows down. The radio was blasting. I loudly sang along with Fun, Grouplove, and Childish Gambino. I realized just how happy I was in that moment. I mean, how could I not be happy listening to that music on a day like today? But I quickly wondered if I had a right to be happy. How could I be happy, this happy when Chris suffered such a horrific end to his life? Today is St. Patrick's Day and I'm part Irish. I should be happy today, not questioning it! Today is also the second sadiversary of a dear friends husband's passing too. I should be in NYC with her. But, I know that she has many people surrounding her that love her. Yet, I felt awful when I was smiling and I thought of her. Then I started to think of all my widda friends and all of their spouses who can't enjoy this wonderful day with us. Well, let's just say that my good mood was no more. I so desperately want to be happy and live my life for Chris and me both. But it is so hard when I constantly think about what we would or should be doing on a beautiful day like today. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and wonder what we would be doing. It really sucks when I feel that I can't even enjoy a smile or the sunshine anymore.

Monday, March 5, 2012


What a roller coaster ride the past month has been. I have so many positive things going on in my life that I should be happy. But, because Chris isn't here everything is overshadowed in greyness. Maybe it's that I just came off of have horrific nightmares. Or it could be that I was just sick. Or possibly Leslies one year sadiversary? It could even be the weather. Who knows? All that I know is that right here, right now I should be happy. But I can't muster a smile for the sake of happiness. Sure when someone says hello to me, I can flash a genuine smile for a moment. But, that moment is fleeting.

 I know that there are all these wonderful things happening to me in my life. I acknowledge them all. I embrace them. I even look forward to the future. I plan for the future. I live my life not just for today, but for tomorrow as well. I just can't get beyond contentment for my life. I think that possibly once I'm able to announce that I've reached one of my goals I will be happy. But for now, it's lonely contentment for me.