Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Downward Spiral

I woke up February 14th as if it were just another day. My day proceeded normally; well as normally as normal goes these days anyway. Then a chipper coworker went out of his way to say "Happy Valentine's Day Ann!" I really wanted to let him know that you really don't wish widows a happy Valentine's Day. Especially widows like me that still wear their wedding ring. But, I suppose that he was just trying to be nice. What it did for me was start this downward spiral of grief.

 It wasn't just that day. It also snowed here right before the 14th. I used to think that the snow was so beautiful. So pristine. Now, however, when I see snow falling I can only think of cleaning off my car, getting that fateful phone call, then finally seeing Chris alive for the last time. Snow is no longer beautiful for me. It is tainted. All I see now is the dirty snow at the side of the road instead of the crystalline white on the trees.

Another event was the year sadiversary of my dear friend Leslie's passing. I can't believe that it has been a full year since she has been an angel in heaven. She was already an angel here on earth. Truly she was. My heart just sank on February 11th as I remembered what a wonderful impact she made on my life.

 So, I can't pinpoint exactly which event started it. It may have just been a combination of all three. But ever since February 14th I have been having the most horrific nightmares. I am able to sleep. But, I dread closing my eyes because I am thrust back into that night of December 8, 2009. If  I'm not having images of that night, I'm dreaming of other horrible things that I'm sure the censors wouldn't allow in the general movies. I wake up like that scared little girl; that girl that was afraid of the dark and couldn't sleep with the closet open. I want to immediately turn on the lights. I hold my dog close for comfort and fall back asleep only to be right back in another nightmare.

 Is this what my life has become? Am I to live my nights afraid of the dark? Am I going to be fine for awhile then suddenly have horrible, grizzly, graphic dreams? I hope not because I have finally found my footing for the future and I want to live a normal, or as normal as normal gets, life.