Friday, July 29, 2011

Living Life to It's Potential

I truly believe that I am alive for a reason. I tried to leave work early that night but I was stopped by a co-worker. If I would have left, I would have walked right in the middle of the attack. I can't say for sure if I would have saved Chris or would have been killed myself. So, I believe that I'm here for a reason. And I've made plans for my future. I have decided that I am going to start living my life to it's potential.

I believe that my life was saved. And I can't waste my life. I saw to it that Chris received the justice that he deserved. Then I thought to myself "now what?" To be quite honest with you, for months, all I could think about was joining Chris. I couldn't see that my life had somehow been spared. All I could see was that I had let him down. I couldn't get past the feeling that I didn't save him. Now, I see a different perspective. I am grateful to be alive. I see how wonderful life is. I wish every day and night that Chris was here to share this life with me, but I know that I have to live for the both of us. So, I have decided that starting today I am going to live my life to the fullest. I am going to live my life to it's potential. There will not be anymore glass half empty thinking.

Monday, July 25, 2011

A Letter to Chris

Kochanie,

I need you so badly right now. The hurt that I feel is so intense. I don't know why this world is so cruel, but it is. You were taken from us way too soon, and I'm here dealing with the aftermath. I know in my heart that if you were still here things would be different. My life would be drastically different. My life was so much better when you were a part of it. Nobody can take that away from me. Nobody can take my wonderful memories away. I know that our love is true, and nobody can take that away from us. I never have a doubt about it either, your love is forever branded on me. Your love has been tattooed on my body, in my heart and around my soul. Your smile could make all my worries go away. Oh how I wish that I could see that smile again today. I know how you felt about your smile, which is why I loved it even more when you smiled at me. Your delicate touch could take me from this world into a world of our own. I would give just about anything to feel your touch just once more.

It's been just over 19 months and it feels like yesterday that you were so brutally taken from me. I still love you as much as I did that day. I love you more than I loved you the day that we were married. My love for you grew with each day that we were together. There are no guarantees in life, but I'm pretty sure that if he hadn't decided to walk to our house that night, or any other night for that matter, we would be so happy today. I can only imagine what our life would be like. But, instead of living today, I mourn. As you know, some days are better than others. Today just happens to be a down day where I especially miss you. So, my heart is heavy and it hurts. It's just a cruel world that we live in.

kocham ciÄ™ bardzo,
Ann

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Anxiety

I hate when I have an anxiety attack. I hate when it comes out of the blue, especially during a meeting at work. The tightness in my chest is like an elephant is sitting square on my sternum; I can't breathe. It hurts when I try. My hands tremble. My voice quivers. Then I start to wonder what is causing this, well I know it has something to do with Chris. It always has something to do with Chris these days. Whether it be missing him, flashbacks, or something else related. It's always because of what happened to Chris. (Today it was the mention of a car show.) Then the more that I think about it, the worse that it gets. How could something so terrible happen to someone so wonderful? Chris was far from perfect, but he was perfect to and for me. He was most definitely a wonderful person with a golden soul.

The thoughts of what happened to him haunt me day and night still. I think what I hate the most are the anxiety attacks that I'm experiencing right now. I can't do anything to stop them and I can't do anything to prevent them. I can't take any medication for them while I'm working, so I just have to ride it out and hope that it gets better soon.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Wondering...

Everyday I can't help it, but I wonder "what would Chris and I be doing today?" I know that he would be so happy that I managed to plant some flowers, that they are blooming and that they are still alive, even in this heat!! I also have managed to keep the flowers and plants alive on the porch. I had a garden last year, but I opted not to do it again this year. I did it last year because Chris wanted a garden; so I honored him by planting a huge vegetable garden. I just didn't find the time to go to the store and get the plants (except for some potted ones for the porch and some clematis) and certainly didn't find the time to plant that much. It was overwhelming last year. I need to take lessons from my mom about gardening, I don't have a green thumb at all. However, I managed to keep the garden all year, but it was emotionally a struggle. It was hard because I thought of Chris and how he wanted a vegetable garden and he never got to have one. That's why I did it. I suspect that I didn't find the time to get the plants was because the emotional toll was too great.

Last year, I was numb. I was still in that fog and hoping that he was going to come home. Last summer I was dealing with the trial, hoping and wishing that it was all a dream. Things are a bit clearer this year. I have long ago realized that he's not coming home. That realization makes things so difficult to bear. You would think that at 19 months in this journey, I would be getting used to it. But, I'm still learning how to live. I'm still learning how to cope. I'm not numb anymore, I know that this is not a dream, and I know that I cannot wish for him to come home. All that I can do is wonder what we would be doing today.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Grief is a Fickle Bitch

Did I mention how much I hate grief yet? I hate the ups and downs that come along with grief. I can be on top of the world and all that it can take is one small comment or thing that can push me right off the edge. To top everything off, I'm experiencing some God awful physical side effects of the grief. (At least that's what I'm attributing my symptoms to.) For the most part, I'm OK. I've been happy, not overly happy. But, I haven't been overly sad either. I guess that you could say that I've been content with my life. The bad has been cancelled out by the good and it's been an even trade. I really should be happier, but there's the missing Chris and the nightmares (yes still) that are keeping me down. I know that I will forever miss Chris. But, will I ever get over this profound sadness?

I've been feeling ill lately. For the most part, all of my life I've been pretty healthy. My symptoms are so scary that I almost went to the ER in the middle of the night. Then it hit me, with the way that I was feeling, I shouldn't be driving. And there it was...one more reason that I missed Chris. Who would take me to the hospital during an emergency? But then again, I think that my symptoms are being brought on my grief because I've read that it can manifest itself physically. I can't say why now all of a sudden it's getting worse physically, but I do think that it's grief (and PTSD) related. I think that if Chris were still alive, I wouldn't have these symptoms and I would be just fine.

So, grief likes to play little games with our minds and bodies. I want off this damn roller coaster ride! There are so many good things in my life that are being overshadowed right now by grief. STILL!! So, I go to therapy, I see my doctor, and I talk with my priest. What else can I do? It follows me everywhere, everywhere I look I am reminded that Chris isn't here. Yes, everywhere I go and every thing that I do I am reminded that Chris isn't here and that brings pain. I've long ago accepted that Chris isn't coming back, and I'm trying to live my life in a way that would make him proud of me. But, there are days when it's just hard to live a happy life because of the way that his life ended. I do anticipate being happy one day; it's going to take a long fight, but that's one fight that I'm committed to fighting to the bitter end!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Great Feeling

I woke up the day after my 41st birthday feeling like a new woman. I don't know if it was finally going back to my old therapist, the new things, or all the wonderful people in my life. But, I feel great. I finally didn't feel like a fat blob. I was finally able to look into the mirror and not see a fat girl looking back at me!! For the first time in my life, I might add!!! Yes, I've been thin before, but I've always seen a fat girl. But not that morning. And, I had no tears (well, maybe a few sobs). I'm finally back to where I should be, ok almost back to where I should be I'm making progress to get there. I've got my plans back on track and my life is getting back in order. I took a short detour for a couple of weeks, but I look great and I feel great. I couldn't ask for anything more. Well, having Chris back would be the ultimate, but I know that isn't possible so this is the next best thing.