Monday, December 19, 2011

His Last Gift

A fellow widow friend put this idea in my head and I just had to share with everyone. The last gift that Chris gave me is probably the most precious of all. You would think that it is some sort of material thing, but it's not. It was the gift of friendship. Through this unfortunate road that I have travelled, I have met some extraordinary men and women that have also lost their spouses. Some of these people, I have formed a very special bond with. It's unfortunate that we have a reason to know each other, but I feel so fortunate to know each and every one of them.

Even though I have only met a fraction of them in person, I am so close to many more. One in particular, I consider one of my best friends. And yet, she lives hundreds of miles away. Others, I seriously consider closer than some of the friends that I had when Chris was still here. We have an unfortuante journey in common, our paths crossed and an incredible bond was formed.

So, even though it was not intentional, he gave me something wonderful. Of course, if I could change the circumstances of us all meeting, I would. But, that is not the reality. So, in order to stop looking at the negative of the situation, I will look at the ONE positive thing that came out of this God awful thing... my widow friends. I love each and every one of them.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Two Years Ago

I can't believe that it's been two years. Two long years! Yet, it seems like just yesterday we were cuddled on the couch laughing and watching tv and I lived in ignorant bliss. I think what's different about this year is that the fog has lifted. I can't hide under the covers anymore. I'm more cognizant of the reality of the "situation." Two years ago, I wanted the world to stop because my beloved Christopher was not in it anymore. Today, I realize that the world will keep spinning and life continues. So, I have made it my quest to live each day to it's fullest, especially since Chris was robbed of his future. I don't hide from the world anymore. I can actually say that I am living and not just existing anymore. And, I have made major plans for my future. (Whether they come to fruition or not, is yet to be seen.)

Today was still a hard day for me. I managed to wake up at a decent time and get up out of bed to tackle my day. Although, I still found myself sitting in front of the tv/computer/nothing and suddenly I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I hadn't even realized that I was crying. It's so hard to not remember only the good times that we had (he wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me) and to wish beyond hope that he will return to me. Yet, I know that it is not going to happen. I do feel that he is with me wherever I go and whatever I do. But, I long to hold him, kiss him and look into his beautiful brown eyes while I tell him that I love him. I just know that will not happen. 

Just because my world ended on December 9, 2009 doesn't mean that the rest of the world ended along with it. I can say without a doubt that just because he is not with us today, does not mean that my love has waned one iota. Can it be possible that I love him even more today than the day that we were married? Yes, I think it is. I feel so much love for him it hurts. I can only imagine how terrified he must have been two years ago. Yet, I know that he was brave. He held on to life long enough to say his goodbyes to me. And now, I need to be just as brave to face this world without him.

I have asked all of my friends and family to light a candle for Chris. So, please join us and light a candle for my wonderful, beautiful husband. You can even light a virtual candle here.

Monday, December 5, 2011

The grave

I went to the grave today to put the wreath on it. I hate going to the cemetery. I know that he's not there and it just breaks me heart to see our names on the headstone. It shouldn't be this way. Young people aren't supposed to pass away. He wasn't supposed to pass away. It's just not right. I wasn't supposed to bury my husband at such a young age. He is supposed to be here with me celebrating the holidays. It's just not fair.