Monday, August 29, 2011

The 4 'S' Triggers

I don't break down everyday anymore. However, I've noticed that there is something every single day that makes me think of him and cause the disbelief to rise up to the surface. Some days and some triggers are more hurtful than others. But, each one brings a bit of sorrow with it. No matter how my day is going, one of these triggers can halt me in my tracks and throw me down.

Songs - Chris was so big into music. There are certain songs that instantly remind me of him. Even new songs that he never heard can bring me crashing down. It brings great sorrow to hear a song that I just know that he would have loved and will never be able to hear. There are other songs that he would play for me that bring back a certain memory, and of course that will cause me even more longing for him.

Smells - I hate cigarettes. Chris smoked and even though I objected, I never lectured him about it; just about the smoking in the house and around his son. But, I once told my therapist that if I suddenly smelled cigarettes out of nowhere, I would know that he was near me. Lo and behold, I started smelling cigarettes that very night. The scent was so strong Christmas of 2009, that my brother got into my car and asked me when I'd started smoking. And of course when I smell his cologne I am reminded that he will never spritz that scent on ever again.

Sunshine - I love a nice warm sunny day. But, I am also saddened by them as well. I am saddened because I will start to think what a beautiful day it is to be alive and then I remember that Chris isn't here to enjoy those beautiful days with me. It's a guarantee that any sunny day, he'd be outside doing something, no matter how hot it got. Beautiful sunny days bring about mixed emotions.

Storms - I also love a good storm at night, so did Chris. He would go out on the porch and I would follow. Then after he'd smoke a cigarette or two, we'd go to bed and just cuddle listening to the thunder. As the lightening lit up the room, I could see him smiling at me. Storms cause me the most grief now because I lay in bed alone and just think about him and the haunting events of his last night here.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Grief Attack

Something once again triggered the "I can't believe that he's gone" reaction in me this week. Yes, I know that he just had a birthday. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being so stressed out, I'm sick. I'm tired of being tired. I miss him, I know that I will always miss him. But, I wonder when will the day come around where I no longer am in disbelief? I haven't had an attack of grief in so long that was this painful. I am in no way "over it" or "moving on". I just have been able to accept that he isn't here and that he isn't coming home and move past it. But, his birthday really set me over the edge this week. Every night as I drive home from work, I can't help but remember that night. I've reverted back to "why couldn't I save him" mode.

The only good thing that has come out of it is that I'm actually sleeping. I'm still waking up in the middle of the night from some awful dreams. But, in the morning, I've managed to get a full nights rest. Nobody said that life was fair, but what happened to Chris is well beyond unfair. At almost 21 months, I am still haunted by that night. So, I'm doing the best that I can this week to keep my head up. It's been hard, but I firmly believe that I'm here for a purpose and I'm trying my best to live up to it.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Happy Birthday Christopher

Today would have been Chris's 33rd birthday. I celebrated last night with his family and my family. After everyone left, I couldn't help but wonder what would we be doing. I fell asleep holding his pillow tight against my body. I wished that he were still alive. He did not deserve this. We wanted our happily ever after and all we got was two years, one month, and one week. We will never celebrate another birthday again. He should have celebrated his 33rd birthday today; instead, he is forever 31. Happy birthday kochanie!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Even Though...

Even though there are such good things happening in my life right now, I'm ready for Chris to come home. I miss him so much. The weather has been so beautiful, it makes me long for the days that we would sit on the porch and just talk about growing old together. I really miss sitting on the porch with him. Just sitting there talking about our plans, our goals, and our dreams. Our dreams has been replaced by my dreams. Our goals are now just my goals. While I still strive for them, I miss him.

Even though I have some big plans and goals for my future, I would set them aside to have him back in my arms. I want our goals back. I want to plan our future together. Make all of our silly little daily plans while sitting on the porch in the morning sipping on our coffee. I still can't sit on the porch anymore. Maybe someday, I will have to make that another one of my goals.

Even though I am very content with my life as it is today, I would gladly throw it away to have my old life with Chris back. Even the worst day with Chris was better than the best day of widowhood. I say that because there seems to be a black cloud surrounding my happiness. It can be diminished so easily when I remember exactly how brutally he was taken from this world. It's so hard to live in a world where that kind of violence is actually your reality, not something on TV.

Even though I am very happy today, I know that I would be much happier if Chris were still here.

Friday, August 12, 2011

A Great Day to Be Alive

The weather has been absolutely lovely the past couple of days. And as I was driving today, I thought to myself what a wonderful day it was to be alive. I naturally looked at the passenger seat to tell Chris how much I love him, and what a great day it was. But, of course, he wasn't there. At least not that I could see. Then, I finally got a phone call today that I've been waiting months for. Apparently, there was a huge misunderstanding and that is why it has taken so long for me to hear back from them. I am giddy right now. The first person that I wanted to tell the news to was Chris.

It's funny how when I get news I still want to tell Chris first. In that moment of glee, I temporarily forget that he's not here. Yet, on days like today, I can't help but think that he's still around me and knows the good news. I like to think that he's surrounding me with love and smiling down upon me. When the weather is beautiful outside, I feel a little more at peace with what has happened. Don't get me wrong, I will always be haunted by how Chris left this world. But, somedays, I can be at peace that he is with God.

Even though I have tears in my eyes, it doesn't necessarily mean that I am sad. It means that while I miss Chris, I have accepted this new life and have to push forward. I am doing my best to live to my potential. I am doing my best to enjoy my life.

Monday, August 8, 2011

"Not Everybody Has a Heart"

There has been some things said about me throughout the course of my widowhood; some nasty things that I do not care to repeat. I cannot wrap my brain around why someone or multiple people could be so cruel to a widow. I had already lost so much and to top it off witnessed the horrors of it. I've kept my dignity and all but my letter to the anonymous commenter here, I have pretty much kept my comments to myself. I don't feel that I need to defend myself. I know that I have done nothing wrong and those that matter to me also know that I have done nothing wrong. If someone chooses to believe lies about me then that person obviously means nothing to me. A friend of mine wrote on FB the other day:

Sometimes you have to remind yourself not everybody has a heart, everybody isn't your friend and search deep within and remember you are so much better than you give yourself credit for. Forgive those that hurt you, pray for the ones that hate you and love the ones that deserve you.
I haven't seen or heard such profound words in such a long time. It gave me a sense of peace actually. I took those words very seriously and took them to heart. I have kept those rude people in my prayers. I have always struggled with forgiveness, so it is hard for me to forgive all but the smallest of transgressions except when my forgiveness is asked for. So, forgiveness my not be forthcoming, but prayers are given freely.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Thoughts Exploding Within Me

I was thinking today about this raw emptiness that sits in my stomach. It's there all the time. Whether I'm happy or not. It's always there. It wrenches at my gut, it claws at my insides. Unless you've lost your spouse, I doubt that you know what this feeling is like. There's this constant feeling that something is missing. It causes anxiety to creep up sometimes. Sometimes I can suppress the anxiety, sometimes I can't.

The world keeps spinning and everybody's lives keep moving on; all the while my world is crumbling down. I keep building my life, living my life to it's full potential, and put on this fake smile. Yet inside, I feel helpless. I feel like I'm going to explode. I haven't been able to sleep the past 3 nights. Thankfully, I've been able to get in a couple hours naps during the day. But, as I lay awake at night, my thoughts wander naturally to Chris and what our life would be like. I do think about my future and about the plans that I have set in motion. I wonder if I'm making the right decisions. I wonder what Chris thinks about them. I know how my family and his family feels about them, and I would like to think that he would be happy for me also. But, I can't help but be a little sad that my world is spinning and moving forward without him.

I can only hope that one day this anxiety pit in my stomach will ease up. I suspect that part of it is because I am making plans without Chris and that when those plans finally go through, the GM will ease up.