Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Happy Birthday To Me

Well, I'm officially over the hill now. I've crossed that threshold and Chris still isn't here to celebrate with me. Hopefully, my tears will go away tomorrow. I know that they will be here to stay today because I still miss him. I miss everything about him, even his stupid smoking. If I could have him back, I would even let him smoke in the house! But, I know the reality is that he's never coming home. So, I'm going to let the tears flow today because "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to." If I could, I would just stay in bed all day, but I scheduled two doctor's appointments for myself to keep me busy and distracted. Hopefully, I'll keep the tears away while I'm out, but who cares while I'm at work? And as Chris used to always say "F**k it, tomorrow is another day." I'll let the tears flow today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Hide and Seek

I think that lately I've been playing a game of hide and seek with the grief monster. I've been running from it, but it seems to catch me. I've been hiding from it, but it seems to find me. It's been just over 18 months for me and just over a year since I've been blogging about my loss and how it's affected me. It's been one heck of a road that I've travelled. I've come so far, yet I feel some days that I've stalled at the starting line.

I've fired my therapist because she just plain and simple wasn't helping me. I found her to be more of a hindrance and I have been more unhappy these past few months. And food has become my best friend. Luckily, I have made arrangements with my insurance and I will be seeing my old therapist from when Chris passed away. I feel more comfortable with her than anyone else and I know that things will get back on track. I actually feel slightly better, at least with the eating, knowing that the therapist issue is taken care of.

I can't just blame my therapist for the grief monster reappearing. My birthday is in just over a week.There's no reason to celebrate without Chris. Last year was supposed to be a milestone celebration and it was nothing but a huge let down, so I have no hopes of anything this year. I keep thinking of the birthday celebration that he threw for me with a few of my friends where he made his famous ribs and we just chilled all night by a fire. Then the following week we celebrated again up north with my family. Nothing could top that celebration. Mostly because it was the last celebration that I had with Chris. He did everything that he could to make sure that I was happy on my birthday. Ironically, I see the therapist again for the first time on my birthday. Happy birthday to me!!!

So, for now I will continue to play hide and seek with the grief monster. I will run as fast as I can from it and hide in my best hiding spots. I do know that when it finds me, I will have to pay, and I will have to pay dearly. But, hopefully I can run and hide for just one more week and then I will be ok. In the meantime, I will keep my brave face on and act as if nothing is wrong (which is exactly what is expected of me at this point.)

Monday, June 6, 2011

Just Some Random Thoughts

I still have my days where I wish that I'd come home from work early and this monster had killed me too. Please don't confuse this with me not wanting to live or wishing that I was dead or suicidal. It's just some days the pain of living without him is so intense I just find it so difficult to live. I do want to live! I have plans for my future. Many plans for my future, in fact. It's just that some days that future is hard to see through the fog of grief.

And then there's the loneliness. The every night ritual of making sure that the blankets are covering his side of the bed (he used to complain that I "hogged" the covers at night). So every night I make a point of fixing his side of the bed so that I don't take the covers and when I wake in the middle of the night, I make sure that the covers are still on his side of the bed. And for what? It's just a reminder that he's not ever going to sleep in our bed again.

I sometimes feel like a broken record, going on and on about how I miss him. Yet, I don't dare tell anyone except for my widowed friends. Nobody else will get it. They all expect me to "be over it" by now. I am constantly asked if I am dating anyone or why do I still wear my ring. Really, it's no ones business if I'm dating again or when I'm going to take off my ring. I still feel married to Chris. Yes, yes, I know that he's gone that he passed away. But, I still am his wife and I still feel this connection to him. So until I feel that connection with someone else, his ring will stay on my finger.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Cemetery

I went to the cemetery for the first time this year on Sunday. It's so surreal. I don't mind seeing my name on the headstone, it's seeing Chris's name that bothers me. I went out there with our grandmother, I don't like going there by myself because I tend to break down too much. Of course I bought him a beautiful bouquet of flowers, I also bought one for his parents as well.

I sometimes feel selfish when I go with our grandmother and get all choked up with my grieving. I feel selfish because I can't even imagine what she must be feeling to see her daughter's and grandson's names on the headstones. Chris's mother passed away over 20 years ago, he was only 8 years old. He did go to the cemetery and visit both his parents often. I feel like a bad wife because I don't go there so much. I just can't, my heart aches every time I do because it makes this life that I'm living too real.

I like to live thinking that he's coming home one day. I do know that I will see him again, but never in this life. So, I get to pretend sometimes. I know that it may not be healthy, but it is something that keeps me sane (yeah a totally irrational thing is keeping me sane). I don't want to believe that there is evil like the monster that took Chris's life. It's just easier for me to pretend.