Friday, March 25, 2011

Feeling Inadequate

When I start to feel inadequate, I just have to remember that Chris loved me. Chris was such a handsome and wonderful man, and HE loved ME!!! I need that to become my daily mantra. The only problem with that is that Chris is gone, the one person that could make me feel better isn't here. But it's a catch 22, because the reason that I'm feeling down is because he's not here and I'm force to move forward with out him. I also know that I'm feeling this way because I'm moving on with my life, but I'm at a stale mate right now. I can't move forward, I'm stuck waiting on others. And I hate waiting for others to make the next move. I'm not a pushy person and I'm not going to make a phone call because I don't want to "bother" anyone. But, I'm thinking that in this case, it's so vitally important to my well being that I just might have to make that phone call to find out what the next step is. I'm thinking then, maybe then, I will start moving again and these feelings will subside.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Paying with Interest

Someone once said that if you hold back on your grief, you will eventually have to pay and with interest. Well, today has been the day that I've had to pay up. I've been having the nightmares again, that is when I can sleep. When I can't sleep I have the images of that night back. I keep asking myself why now? Then it hit me, I'm finally getting my life in order. I've finally made a conscious decision to live my life and that is exactly what I'm doing. Yes, I have felt a tinge of guilt about doing it without Chris. But, I know that I must move on with my life. I just wish that I could talk with Chris one more time so that I knew that this is what I'm supposed to do. So that I know that he is happy for me. I feel so crazy for even thinking it, let alone putting it in writing.

So why now have the tears been hitting me like a tsunami? Maybe it's the gigantic full moon? I don't know, all I know is that the tears that I have been holding back have hit me hard today. And I can't stop them.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Guilty Plans

I've been in a rough place lately. I'm happy that I'm making plans for my future. Yet, I feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt that I'm doing it without Chris. For the first time since December 2009, I'm genuinely happy. But that happiness is overshadowed by guilt. Some nights as I lay in bed I think about Chris and feel sad that he's not here to share in my joy and plans. I'm not just making plans, I'm actually acting out my plans at this point. They are a reality and to be honest, it scares the hell out of me. I'm scared because I'm not sure if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that there is some reason that I was not home that fateful night. I want to believe that this is the reason. I'm scared because I don't know if I can do this alone. I'm scared because I want to know if Chris is happy for me. Underneath my tears, I am so happy. But, I have this profound sadness at the same time. I want to share this joy with the one man that I wanted to share my life with. However, I know that it is impossible. So, I will continue to actively make my plans and follow through with them as I have been doing. I can only hope that Chris is smiling down on me.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Elderly Couple

Yesterday as I was stopped at a light, I saw an elderly couple walking from the hamburger place on the corner. She was walking with a cane and he was helping her walk by holding on to her elbow. I immediately thought "that was supposed to be Chris and me! We were robbed!" Then I started to sob. It's the little things that can get to me these days. I know that two things are certain. I will always love Chris as much as I did the exact moment that I married him, ok maybe even more. And that I will miss him at least as much as I missed him the day that he passed away.

He is never too far away from my thoughts. Just because I am planning my future without him does not mean that I am forgetting him. I will forever love and remember him. I just cannot allow him to consume my every thought anymore. Sure, when my thoughts are allowed to wander, I cannot help but think of him. But, I will divert my thoughts to the happy memories instead of the what if's and the should haves.

I read the most inspirational line from a book written by Lolly Winston the other day: "I've decided it's important to love the life that you get and somehow learn to let go of the life you dreamed of." I can't stop thinking of that line. I even left the bookmark on that page when I finished the book because I found it so profound. I have been longing for the life that I dreamed of instead of learning to live and love this life that I have been given. No matter how damaged I feel that my life is at this moment, I must claim ownership of it and learn to live and love my life. I know what I want my life to be. I am the only person that can make my life worthwhile. I am the only person that can make me love my life. So, I have already put my plans in motion and there is no more time for procrastination. The time for me to accept what has happened and start to learn to love my life starts now.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Pictures of Chris

I discovered today that I can't look at pictures of Chris without falling apart. Yeah, I'm back to that stage again. There was a time when I could look at his picture and smile just remembering the good times. Now, I tear up when I remember the good times because we lost the opportunity to make more good times.

I know that this is just because the most recent loss in my life. This grief stuff is hard, much harder than it looks, that's for sure. I find that I sleep facing his side of the bed and just hold on to his pillow, begging him to come home, to please come home. I know that he is gone. He's gone because some selfish monster took him from this world. And all that I am left with are pictures, letters and memories.

I miss him so much. That longing that I feel for him hasn't gone away at all, but I am usually able to function. But, for some reason the grief monster has attacked me and I'm so afraid that if I really look at his picture, I will break down and lose it. It's been almost 15 months, I should be getting on with my life and that is precisely what I am trying to do. But somehow, that nasty monster lurks around the corners and wallops me with sadness. I can't escape it. I'm doing much better, much better than I ever thought that I would be doing. I never thought that I would be planning on living my life without him. But, that is what I am doing, or at least trying to do as long as I can keep the grief monster at bay.