Monday, February 21, 2011

Grief Strikes Again

Losing L has brought up some really bad memories that I'd rather keep buried. I keep trying to suppress the memories, I need to be strong for N. Yet, I find myself crying at night, longing for Chris. Tears well up in my eyes as I write this. How could this have happened? I want to scream, I want to know how this could have happened. I want to know who I'm supposed to run to with my news now? But, this isn't about me, it's about N and helping her heal and deal with her grief.

So, I push my grief behind a door, lock it and throw away the key. I keep telling myself that I have plans now and grief is not a part of my plan. I have already started my classes, my new life is starting. I made plans! I was able to laugh, genuinely laugh. So, I allow it out at night, and only at night; when I'm alone in bed, clutching his pillow as I have on so many lonely nights. I also can't break down in front of N, she needs me to be a strong foundation. If she is leaning on me and I crumble, what happens to her? I can't do that to her. She needs me, this is about her.

Locking away grief is a very difficult thing to do. I read something today and it scared me a bit: "grief is something you pay now, or you pay later with interest." I'm just hoping that I already paid my dues and I can rightfully lock it away without consequence.

Monday, February 14, 2011

My Dearest Friends

Last Friday was supposed to be a very good day. It was the day that I started my classes to begin my life again. But, one text message is all that it took to bring that good day to an end. The text message was from one of my best friends telling me to come to her house right now. I didn't get the message for several hours later due to me being in class. I texted her back letting her know that I was in class. Then the important text came next: I won't repeat it exactly, but it was that L was gone.

N and L are my dearest friends. I hadn't known them very long, only slightly longer than a year. But, I had an instant connection to them both. N was one of Chris's closest friends growing up. N contacted me in January of last year and invited me out to lunch with her and L. The day of the luncheon, I almost cancelled. Not because I didn't want to meet them, but because I just wasn't much into meeting people those days, I just didn't have the energy. Hey, it involved getting out of bed before noon. But, I did it. And I am so glad that I did.

They both greeted me with the biggest hugs. And at the end of lunch it felt as if I had known them forever. When they found out that I had gone to court by myself, they offered to go with me the next time. They dropped everything every single court date and went with me. We became so close, so fast. I lost a few of my own friends after Chris passed away, but it was ok because I gained N and L as my new best friends. As the months passed, I found that I would text or call N and L with news before I'd call anyone else. I valued their opinion.

I found that their relationship mirrored Chris and my relationship. N and Chris were identical personalities, and L and I were very close as well. No, we weren't quite identical. I wish that we were. However, she was just a little more outspoken than I was, she had much more spunk than I did.

L was the kindest soul, she cared so much about everyone and everything. She was funny too. I could be crying and she had such a talent to make me smile even in the midst of the biggest crying spell. When I had good news or bad news, I couldn't wait to pick up the phone and tell L. When I needed advice, I turned to L because she was so level headed that she knew exactly what to do. Did I mention how her smile would just light up a room? She was beautiful, inside and out. L is a rare soul that try as you might, you just can't find a bad thing to say about her. I truly adore her and am grateful for her friendship. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. I want more time with her, but will forever be thankful for the time that I did have with her.

I admired her so much, as much as we were alike, she was just a little more of what I wished that I was. I wish that I had told her this. I never did, I never thought that this day would come. Sure, we talked about what if this day came. But never in our wildest dreams did we ever think that it would show up so soon, and so tragically. We were supposed to be friends for a very long time. Something this tragic was not supposed to happen, and it was not supposed to happen to such a good person like L.

Now L has joined Chris in heaven and N is a widow like me. I want to embrace her and tell her that it will be ok. But, I don't want to smother her. Memories of those early days are coming back to me. I remember what it felt like to have everyone around me and feeling like I can't breathe. So, I'm doing the delicate dance of giving her room to breathe and letting her know that I'm here for her when she needs me. I vaguely remember those early days, but as I witness N's heart break, my heart breaks all over again.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


I start my classes on Friday, 9 - 5. Fridays are going to be very long days. But, well worth it. I'm so anxious I can hardly contain myself. I'm scared too. I'm scared because I'm officially taking the first step to starting my new life without Chris.

I need to breathe.

I had to call my dad and tell him personally what I'm doing, rather than have him hear it from my mom. Not that it's a bad thing, I just think that good news should be delivered directly. And he tried to calm me down and tell me that I'm going to be good at this. I hope so, I'm going to be taking on a huge responsibility.

It's so wierd to be doing this without Chris. Not so much my plans, but the whole "living" thing. If you would have asked me exactly 14 months ago, I wouldn't have thought that this is where I'd be. I'm filled with so many emotions: happy, excited, sad, petrified, anxious, and just about everything in between. But, when I put my head to rest on my pillow at night, I know that in my heart I am doing the right thing. I just hope that everything works out. I've been doing a lot of praying these days. I just hope that this time, my prayers get answered.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Taking Charge

I woke up this morning in a wonderful mood. And the best part is, it's past 9pm and I'm still in that wonderful mood. This is a rare occurrence. I actually can't recall ever being this "giddy" before, well at least since December 8, 2009. I do know what has me in this mood. I am taking charge of my life. I am finally doing something for myself and my future. My plans will also help others, which is always a good thing. So, to my friend RB, I say I'm ready to get busy living!!! I have already taken those first scary steps towards living and my future. Yes, I'm scared, I'm very scared. What I have planned is life changing, but hopefully well worth it.