Thursday, September 30, 2010

I Can't Wait

I can't wait to start playing my new cello.  I've reviewed the notes and I know that I'm going to have a hard time with the fingering since it's basically one note off from the violin. So, that's going to be a challenge for me to remember.  But, I'm stretching it out right now.  What a pain, I spent about a half hour trying to tune it.  I can hear it stretching while plucking it to tune it. And I can hear the peg slowly slip after too. I didn't think about getting some peg dope when I was out running around getting music and such.  I hope that I can find it at the local music store; but if I take the drive to Ann Arbor, I will be able to look through a more extensive music selection.  I know exactly what music I want to get, and I suppose that Ann Arbor will be the only place that will have it. 

I already know that the I'm going to run into a problem with the fingering.  But, I always love a good challenge.  This is the first thing since December that I've been looking forward to doing.  I think that music is so good for the soul and healing, and there is nothing else like making music.  At least this is something that I'm looking forward to doing, and it doesn't bring any tears.  Somehow, I'm not sad about Chris not hearing me play because I believe that he is always with me and he will hear me.  I just hope that he will be smiling down at me while I play.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Happiness


I have been waiting for today for well over a week.  Not today as in Wednesday, or as in September 29,2010.  But rather the day that my new cello and violin were delivered.  Music is something that often "soothes the soul".  There is something about classical music that I just love.  And I love making music even more than listening to it.  I have played the violin for over 30 years and I learned how to play the cello in high school.  I have played in several symphonies over the years (when I was younger) and have even played at Orchestra Hall.  So, today the FedEx man brought me a little slice of happiness to clear away the fog.  He brought my new instruments.  I can't wait until I can play them.  (I'm letting the strings stretch tonight.)  So, here are my new toys:


Monday, September 27, 2010

I Can't Believe That I Did It!

I had way too many soaps, shampoos, oils, salts, etc. in my bathroom.  So, I cleaned house, so to speak.  I got rid of all the old stuff, including Chris's stuff.  I didn't write about it when I did it, because I didn't want the world to know about it.  I feel like I've betrayed Chris by taking his personal things out of the bathtub.  I put some of it in a box for his son.  I can remember the time that we were getting ready to go visit my cousin and his son just had to use "some good smelling stuff" to impress my cousin.  (Yeah, he had a little crush on her.)  So naturally, I thought that he would want them.

Then I started thinking, this is the stuff that he should have now.  It won't be any good when he's older.  So, I went through the house and put some other things in boxes for him.  I decided that if Mary was willing to let me see his son for even just a few minutes, I would be able to give these things to him.  So, I put many Xbox games that they used to play in a box. Also, in the box went some small toys that they played with together.  I even bought him some new matchbox cars because I felt bad that his were ruined during the "incident".  I put Chris's TV aside, since the last time I spoke to him,  his son said that his TV wasn't working too well.  I also put aside his headphones and speakers for the TV. 

Chris made his son some toys and stuff for his matchbox cars.  He basically made a little city out of wood.  I thought that is something that his son would want and should have now.  There were other things that Chris made for him, and I thought that he would like them.  Little known fact, Chris had a coin collection.  I've always wanted his son to have it along with some very personal items from Chris.  I also made him a scrapbook of his father's life, and I really wanted him to have it.

I'm sure that it comes as no surprise to anyone reading this that I extended the olive branch to Mary, but she snapped it right out of my hand.  So, I put the box of Chris's things in the attic.  Where else am I going to put them?  I just haven't been able to look at anything without crying, still.  Every time that I got into the shower, I would smell his soaps and shampoos.  As far as the toys go, my nephews were over playing with them and asked for them.  I hesitantly gave them to my nephews; but really what do I need with them?  Just another reminder of my heartache. 

I also had my cousin's phone number to give to Mary's mother because Mary's brother is autistic and my cousin has a master's degree working with autistic children one on one.  My cousin's mother told me to have them get in touch with her and she would help them out.  But, alas, too much hate and selfishness is in the way.  (And yes, I see the irony, which is exactly why I offered the olive branch in the first place.  I'm done with being mad and hateful.)

I really shouldn't comment on the amount of respect that I have for Mary, or lack there of.  Ever since our first phone conversation, she did not like me.  What's so funny is that she tried to tell Chris how I was nasty to her when Chris heard my entire side of the conversation.  I don't think that she ever wanted Chris back, and if she did, he didn't want her (despite how hard she tried to convince me, I know EXACTLY how he felt about her and her mother right up to the night before he passed away). However, I just think that she hated him so much that she did not want him to be happy.  Her mother even tried to get me to not marry him (look at all that she would lose by losing Chris) by saying that Mary was going to go after me for child support.  HUH??  I guess that it helps when you have many friends that are lawyers.

As a matter of fact, we consulted two of those friend just months before he passed away.  We were looking at getting custody of his son and we were told to "document, document, document."  And oh boy, the things that little boy said about his mom, things that she did and things that she said, my favorite was when he got "sixty" mosquito bites because she took him to an "adult toy party".  Yep, we have it on tape, and many, many other accusations.  (CPS would have a field day with those videos!)

The truth is, I never really had much respect for her or her lifestyle.  She relies on us taxpayers for her income.  She does not work, and please do not say that she has a disability, because there are so many others with far worse disabilities that work.  She has a "bad back."  She has been attending school for the past, um, 4 years, for medical transcription or something similar (isn't that a six month program, or at the very most a two year degree?)  And please don't defend her by saying that she cannot work and go to school because she has two kids (only one is Chris's).  I know a woman that was divorced, has two kids and worked at Ford during the day.  At night, she attended law school and is now a lawyer.  But, that's right, you have to have some sort of ambition to work, go to school and have two kids.  I think that it's sad and pathetic when someone can bilk the system.  Just remember that someday, the system will catch up... I've learned that you don't mess with the government or it's money. Also, there's a little thing called Karma, and I for one, definitely won't mess with her.

Anyway, I have put his son's things in my attic.  I guess that selfish people are prone to only ever think of themselves, they can't even put the needs and wants of their children before their wants and needs.  She does not care about her son.  She made that abundantly clear when I tried to teach his son how to read.  She had a conniption fit, even went so far as to say that the son's teacher said that he does not need to read at home.  The poor boy was a year behind in school, a fact that Chris actually was ashamed of, because she kept him out.  I heard her give at least four different reasons why.  And each one was poppycock and it was a direct result of her motherhood skills. 

Chris's son is the one that is going to suffer.  I have heard it from a member of Chris's family that his son asks to visit our house, and has said that he was happy there.  Why wouldn't he be?  That was basically the only place, with a rare exception, that he visited with his dad when Chris was sober.  So, the claim that our house wasn't a happy place is once again poppycock.  I have never, and will never, say anything negative about his mother to him.  As a matter of fact, I got on Chris's case when he "talked smack" about Mary to his son.  So, the selfish mother will prevail and deprive her son of his father's memories.  There's not much more that I can do.  I've heard all the excuses in the world.  But, the only one that had a ring of truth to it is that she just wants to hurt me.  And I won't deny that it stings, but ultimately, it is his son that will suffer.  So be it, I've done all that I can.  So, my memories of his son are now locked away in my attic.  And if the day comes where his son seeks me out, I may be able to get the boxes of memories out of the attic.  I will also be sure to pull out all the emails that his mother and I exchanged and let him decide why he never get his father's things before.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Just 6 hours

I'm so glad that in 6 hours the weekend will be here.  I'm so exhausted today.  I could not sleep last night, at all.  I really wish that I could find some peace at night.  I want the nightmares to end.  I want this nightmare to end! I do have a few nights where I sleep through the night, and that is mostly on weekends when I know that I can sleep in.  So, I sleep out of exhaustion.  I could handle sleepless nights, if it weren't for the God awful nightmares. If Chris was here, he would console me. But then again, if Chris was here, I wouldn't be having those nightmares.  I don't really know why I'm looking forward to the weekend other than catching up on my sleep.  There's not much in my life that is worth looking forward to these days, except for the occasional blip, because what I'm really looking forward to is the day that I'm called upon to join Chris. 

3am again

It's 3am and I'm awake. Again. It's usually because I can't fall asleep or I have and have nightmares. This is a nightmare night. The third time this week that I've woken myself up from a horrifying nightmare. I never know how they end. Yet, they are always the same and I am pretty sure that I know how they all end.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I dedicate these songs to...

I just love how some song lyrics can perfectly convey your thoughts.  For the first time, I am posting songs and NOT dedicating them to Chris.  I won't say who I'm dedicating these to, but I think they will know....





I Wish

I wish that things were different.  I wish that this blog was dedicated to the happy life that Chris and I were living.  That I would be writing about his son, our child, and us.  And the happy family life that we share.  But, we will never be a family again.

I wish that I would be writing about happiness, smiles and joy instead of anger, sorrow and hate.  We were a typical couple.  We laughed, we cried, and yes we argued.  But, most of all, we loved each other.  Through thick and thin, at the end of the day, we were together and we loved each other. I wish that I could write about the love that we continue to share.  But, I can't.

I wish that I could write about teaching Chris Polish and how we were preparing for our big trip to Poland.  He promised to take me.  I once tried to teach him Polish.  He made it through the very first page of the book, which was basically "hello, how are you, what's new?  Goodbye." ("dzień dobry,  jak się masz, co słychać, do widzenia").  After that, he said that he would let me do all of the talking.  I would love to be able to write about how he was progressing with his Polish.  But, his Polish will never progress beyond that first page.

I wish that I would be writing about Chris teaching me to sing and play the guitar.  Chris had a phenomenal voice and I bought him his guitar for Christmas a couple years back.  To hear him sing, was like hearing the angels sing.  I didn't get to hear him play the guitar too much.  But, I always wanted him to teach me.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could be writing about what a great teacher he is?  But, I can't even touch his guitar.

I wish that I would be documenting my pregnancy here.  We were trying so hard to have a family.  We wanted nothing more than to have a child together.  I wish that I could be writing about the excitement that he felt at having a child.  I remember how excited he was the very first time that I said "I'm pregnant."  I wish that I could experience that and write about it here.  But, we will never have a child together.

I wish that I could write about getting custody of his son.  Chris had consulted two seperate attorneys about getting custody and took their advice about documenting things.  But, we decided to wait until April and then we would retain the lawyer that helped my brother gain custody of his son.  I wish that I could be writing about having his son at our house every day.  But, I am not even permitted to see his son.

I wish that this blog was a happy blog.  But, I'm not happy and neither is my writing.  When the occasional thing happens that I'm happy, I am reminded of the immense hole in my heart.  I wonder, when is my happiness going to be ripped away from me?  I wonder how can I be happy when this world is so incredibly cruel?  The true reality is that no matter how much I wish and pray, I can never go back.  I will never write about the happy things that Chris and I should be doing.  But, Chris is gone, and a huge piece of me left that day as well.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Time Won't Let Me Go

I know that I've said it before, and I'll continue to say it.  I wish that I could go back to that fateful day and change the outcome.  I pray everynight to have Chris back.  I hate the fact that time keeps going forward, it never pauses, it never rewinds.  I wish so badly that this never happened, I do ask every day "why?"   But, I already have come to the conclusion that I will never know why, and I will never be able to go back and change the outcome....

"If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go"


Monday, September 20, 2010

Ok Go

I just saw this video and I know that Chris would have loved it.  He wanted to be a Vet Tech, he just loved animals so much.  This one is for you Kochanie!  Kocham cię bardzo kochanie, zawsze i na zawsze!


Sunday, September 19, 2010

3am

It's 3am and of course I'm wide awake. I have my damp pillow from the tears. I have my wastebasket filled with tissue. My eyes are red and swollen. I feel sick. My entire body aches. I am so nauseated. I miss Chris. Just an ordinary night/morning. 3am comes every morning, and the only thing different about this 3am is that I'm writing about it. This life sucks! I want my life back! I want Chris back! Maybe with him beside me, I could finally get some sleep.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Am I Asking For Too Much?

Of course all I really want is to have Chris back beside me.  I really am attempting to grasp the reality that my wish will never come true, no matter how many birthday candles I blow out or stars that I wish upon.  So, if I can't have that can I at least have one day, ONE DAY, where I don't cry when I remember a good memory.  One day where I don't want to sleep the day away.  One day where I can sleep more than 2 hours uninterrupted.  One day where I don't feel sluggish when I wake up.  One day where I feel motivated enough to go to the gym.  Or even one day where I don't eat my emotions away.  Sure, I've had one of those days, but can't I have two of those days in one?   I'm so tired, AGAIN. 

I know that what I want, I will never have again.  But, is it too much to ask for just one day of peace? 

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Finding Peace

I used to like roller coasters when I was younger.  However, when it's your emotions going for the ride, not so much!  It's is the most minor things that can set me off.  I felt as if I had made some progress in my grief, hate, and forgiveness.  But, as those who have been in my shoes know, you take one step forward and one huge step back.  I was finally at a point where I could release some of this negativity, but then it just creeps up on me to overtake any progress that I have made.  I find it so very hard to purge this hate when there is so much that is being said about me.  While I am certainly for everyone being able to say their peace, there is a fine line when what you have to say is nothing but lies.  There are a few people in particular that I actually felt sympathy for, but as I stated before, I have since learned that they do not warrant my sympathy.  While I have been able to release the hate that is festering within me, it is slowly coming back.  Hate begets hate.  I was told to forgive and release the hate that I feel.  And I was able to do just that.  However, it is so difficult when the hate is being slung at me.  I'm not asking anyone to like me, however, there comes a point where you have to believe that it was proven who committed this ghastly crime against my husband.  And I suppose that if I have to be the scapegoat for it, I will.  I actually should be flattered when they say that the clothes were mine and I walked over there and planted the evidence.  I should be flattered because I haven't been able to fit into a size 32 since I was about 25!!  I can also understand that they don't want to believe that their loved one did this.  I know that if the tables were turned, I would definitely not want to believe that one of my loved ones did this, and yet when you google any one of the members of my family, there are no negative stories about them.  And certainly not any stories about them connected with a murder.  (As a matter of fact, I'm sure that if you google my older brother you'll see what an amazing and intelligent scientist that he is.)  But, the reality is a jury of Shannon Holmes peers found him guilty.  Until his family can accept that he indeed murdered and tortured my husband, they will never find any peace.  And quite frankly, I really don't care if they do or don't.  I have made my peace with the one person that reached out to me, and I'm alright with just that for now.  I will have to learn to release the rest of this anger and hate that I have despite the mud that is being slung in my face.  I know what the truth is, and I am finding some peace with it.  I don't need to defend myself because I know what the truth is and anyone that matters to me knows what the truth is as well.  What is being said is all smoke and mirrors trying to deflect from the reality that Shannon Holmes is a cold blooded murderer that will never see freedom again.  I will never be happy or overjoyed with that, but I am relieved.  And I have begun to find some peace with my new life and I will continue to do so.

I Just Can't Catch a Break

I actually managed to fall asleep fairly quickly last night.  Of course I had to double up on my meds.  But, then a friend in Vegas texted me and woke me up.  Which really wasn't a problem, except I was so tired that I couldn't text, good thing for auto correct!  Then after I fell back asleep, the storm woke me up.  That was pretty odd because storms don't bother me, as a matter of fact, I sleep better when it storms.  Add that to the extra medication and I should have slept without interruption.  But alas no, I just can't catch a break. 

Surprisingly, I'm not that tired.  And I am already prepared for another night of staying awake.  Too bad I have a housemate now, because I should be productive when I can't sleep.  One of Chris's biggest complaints about me was that I wanted to clean late at night when he wanted to sleep.  There is so much that I need and want to do around the house that I won't do when I can't sleep because I don't want to wake KB up.  (And for the record KB is a wonderful person and someone that I don't mind sharing my house with.)  And when I finally do get up in the morning to let the dogs out, I'm so tired that I'm useless.  I get ambitious when I'm at work.  Thank goodness for that, at least I can stay awake and not get hurt.

But, there is no safety from the waves of grief.  One small thing, a song, a picture, anything can set it off.  It does not matter where I am at or what I am doing, when it comes around it has to have center stage.  All that I want is to wake up from this nightmare and have Chris back.  Only then can my life be better.  I know that I want the impossible, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Who?

Who do I call when I'm desperate?  Who do I choose to "bother" with my problems when I feel like I can't take it anymore?  There have been so many times that I've needed someone to talk to, but I won't pick up the phone and call because I don't want to bother them.  Besides, if I hear that I need to get over it or move on one more time, I'm really going to lose it!!!!  I just can't take this anymore.  I'm not strong, I don't have it in me to get through this.  The absolute one person in the world that I want to share my life with is gone and all I can think about anymore is joining him. 

I'm tired.  I'm back to the insomnia.  I'm sickened by this world.  I just don't want to be in it anymore.  There is just too much negativity and ugliness in this world for me to bear.  I can't do this anymore, nor do I want to do it anymore.  How can I stand alone in this cruel world anymore?  I want the closeness that I shared with Chris again, but I only want it with Chris.  So, who really cares anyway?

Secrets

I have serious insomnia that medication cannot cure. When I lie awake in bed, my mind cannot stop thinking of Chris, what happened to him, and what I am going to do.

I still cry over Chris. I cry almost every night, still.

I really miss my stepson. I miss our Friday night dinners. I miss his laughter, his smile around the house. I feel like my heart has been ripped out again because I'm not permitted to see him.

I loathe the woman that I have become. My heart is filled with hate and it's just plain ugly. Thanks to Shannon Holmes, I am an ugly hateful woman.

I really miss the closeness that I shared with Chris.  I miss the intimacy.  I miss his kiss, his touch, and his love.

I do not want to live another day. I still pray that I will not wake up in the morning every single night.

I am giving suicide some serious consideration. But, I'm too scared of being separated from Chris for all of eternity to act on it.

I hate what has become of my life. As each day passes, I begin to accept this harsh reality. Yet, I still wait for Chris to come home. And the realization that he's not coming home makes my heart ache even more.

I often wonder what exactly did I do that was horrible enough for God or karma to give me this ghastly life that I now must take ownership of.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Work

I really wish that I had stayed home from work again tonight.  Last night, I really didn't feel good and stayed home.  A friend came over and helped pick me up.  I feel blessed to have some of the people in my life that I have.  However, I am on that slippery downward slope right now.  It's not fun.  I can't even say that I'm on a rollercoaster ride because I like rollercoasters, and I do not like this.  I used to think that work was a "safe" place for me.  A place where I could escape and not necessarily think about this nightmare that has become my life.  But since last week and "the questions", I don't feel safe here anymore.  I dread coming in.  I never really loved my job, but at times I enjoyed it.  There are so many great guys that I work with that have been so wonderful since this happened.  However, one person spoiled that all for me.  I hate it here now.  I feel worse today than I did yesterday.  But, I can't leave.  I'm stuck.  I hate this.  Back to the hate I guess...

New Discovery

I've taken a few days off from writing.  I've reverted backwards.  I'm back to that dark place that I thought was gone.  I'm free of most of the anger and hate.  I don't notice the killer's house when I drive down the street.  I actually don't think about him hardly at all anymore.  However, I can't get past the immense sense of loss that I still feel.  I'm tired, I'm not sleeping.  But, I am so very thankful that I have so many wonderful people in my life that have been holding me up and letting me lean on them.  Yesterday, I was able to put it all aside and actually laugh without guilt.  And I was introduced to some new music,and when I watched the video, I actually felt better.  I thought that this is something that Chris would have totally loved.  It wasn't his normal type of music, but I know that if he saw the video, it would have become one of his favorites.  So, I thought that I'd share the video and hopefully, he can see it too.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Just For Me

Today, I treated myself to an hour long massage.  It was just supposed to be a half hour, and I kept thinking "this is one long hour."  But, I certainly wasn't going to complain.  The massage therapist thought it was an hour instead of a half hour.  It was so wonderful.  I have been so stressed out the past 9 months, I certainly needed it.  I had just the upper body done.  However, I mentioned that lately, I've been having some lower back pains/spasms.  So, she said that she could tell and that maybe I would want to come in another time for a lower body to help it.  Of course, I made another appointment.  Sometimes, you just need to spoil yourself.  Besides, I used to work with the owner and I'm glad to give her my business.

I also decided that I have found a reason to start working out.  It's a personal reason, and I want to do it for nobody but myself.  Not for my health (with any luck, I'll have a heart attack and die on the spot), but I am told that it will help with the depression and grief.  So, I will go to the gym on Monday.  Besides, I have to cancel Chris's membership, something that I have avoided doing for the past 9 months. 

In my mind, there is the finality of what has happened when I cancel things that he had.  I still have his phone turned on.  Even though I know that he will never come back.  I feel like if I cancel his phone, gym membership, etc. that I am cancelling him.  If that makes any sense.  I feel like he is still around when his accounts are opened.  I finally contacted one of his doctors to tell her that his final bill will not be paid (I didn't like her anyway, and I'm not going to pay it.)  I guess that I just don't want to admit that he's gone and closing accounts and such is the beginning of that admission.  I hate it.  I hate this new life without him.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"Progress"

Yesterday, I reconnected with an old friend.  Back in the day, he was a punk rocker.  I sincerely believe that the universe, or God, makes things happen for us when we need them to happen.  Reconnecting with my friend was one of those things.  Things happen and friendships wane.  But, that doesn't mean that they are forgotten.  People just go their different ways and with luck, they will have the chance to reconnect someday.  He is helping me with my "issues".  If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you will know that I am having a hard time with anger, hate and forgiveness.  My friend, the awesome punk rocker, is now a minister and he is helping me with those issues.

I finally after almost 9 months hung the curtains in my living room (I don't think I'm going to repaint.)  So, it's a bit dark in there.  After awhile of sitting in the living room, he suggested that we go out and sit on the porch.  I didn't even think about my anxiety about sitting on the porch.  I just said "sure" and that was that.  Of course, I went to sit in my usual chair.  But, I ended up sitting in Chris's chair.  I am still shocked that I never even gave it a second thought.  I think it's because at that point in time, I needed to sit there with an old friend.  Call it what you will; it may be a small step, but it's a small step in the direction of progress.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Everyday

Everyday, I cry.
Everyday, I wish that this was just a dream.
Everyday, I ask God why.
Everyday, I miss him.
Everyday, I long to feel his touch.
Everyday, I need to feel his lips gently touching mine.
Everyday, I yearn to hear him whisper in my ear "I love you."
Everyday, I want him to hold me.
Everyday, I check his side of the bed only to find that he wasn't there.
Everyday, I wish that we could have our coffee together again.
Everyday, I tell the world to stop spinning.
Everyday, I yell that this is not real.
Everyday, I feel more despondent.
Everyday, I try to find a reason to live.
Everyday, I want my heart to stop beating.
Everyday, I think he's going to come home.
Everyday, I wonder why this happened to such a beautiful person.
Everyday, I can't sleep.
Everyday, I live in fear.
Everyday, is another day without him.
Everyday, I try to cope.
Everyday, brings another challenge.
Everyday, the hole in my heart becomes bigger.
Everyday, I try to convince the world that this didn't happen.
Everyday, I miss him even more than the day before.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Again...

Yesterday, I started out my day rather well.  Then I don't know what happened because I ended it crying myself to sleep...again.  Every time that it seems like things are getting better or at least easier to deal with, life slaps me in the face.  I just don't know what my purpose in life is anymore.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  When Chris was here, it was so easy.  I was supposed to be his wife, have his child and grow old with him.  Now that he is gone, what am I supposed to do?  I only wanted that life with him.  I would love to have a child, but I only wanted his child.  So, am I to die old and lonely?  I certainly hope not.  I'm not suicidal, but I just don't care anymore.  I really don't care what happens.

I am planning small things for the immediate future.  And of course I have my trip to Poland that I'm dreaming about.  But, is it enough?  Is it enough for me to keep waking up every morning?  I don't know.  So, here I sit pondering my future again.  I wish that I had a slight inkling of what my future holds.  Or to be more specific, what my purpose is.  I am struggling to figure this all out again.  I have always been the one with the answers, but I don't even have a clue right now.  So, I'll forge ahead for the time being and see where it takes me.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I Lauged today

A friend posted some pictures from elementary school the other day.  And today a few of us in the picture were reminiscing about the 3rd grade.  Then it came out about one of the kids standing up to the teacher.  At the time, we all were secretly cheering him on.  But, of course we kept our mouths shut because the teachers reaction was, well scary, very scary!  I remember the kid running into the bathroom after he told the teacher off and the teacher nearly leaping over desks.  When the boy just made it to the bathroom, the teacher grabbed him by the back of his collar.  He shook the boy and dragged him to the principals office.  I actually thought about this a few days before the picture was posted, I'm not sure what sparked the memory.  But, when we got to discussing it, I actually laughed.  I laughed hard and loudly.  I haven't laughed that much since before the incident.  And surprisingly, I still have the smile on my face.  It doesn't mean that I'm moving on, getting better (as if you can actually get better at grief), or getting over it.  It just means that I'm not allowing this grief to completely take over my life anymore.

Pain

Another song that I heard today that made me go HMMMM.  Listen to the lyrics they say it perfectly how I have been feeling. 

"Anger and agony are better than misery
Trust me, I have a plan"