Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Well, my birthday has come and gone. I didn't get my wish, any of them. Yes, I'm sad. I'm sad for so many reasons. I miss Chris terribly. I k now that life is not fair, but why did this happen? I waited so long to find the one person that would make me forget about all the bad things in life, only to have him taken from me so soon. Now, my mind is consumed with all the bad things in life. I'm irritated, angry, sad, suicidal, and I can't help it. I don't know how I would be if I didn't have my medications. I can't sleep without them, and even some night's, I can't sleep with them. All I think about when I fall asleep is, please don't let me wake up in the morning; that just seems to be the easiest way out of this nightmare. In my entire life, I have never felt this bad. And now with the whole plea deal being offered, I'm really mad. When I saw him walk into the court room with that smug look on his face, I wanted to jump over the benches and let all hell loose! I gave him the evil looks right back, I let him know that I will not be intimidated by him. I hope that he doesn't take the plea; 30 years seems like a very long time, but he will be 60 if he gets his first parole. That is younger than my parents, and my parents don't seem old. So, how is that right? He robbed the world of a beautiful man and he has the chance to walk free when he's still young enough to wreck more havoc on this earth. He should not be allowed to walk free. If there was any case that should have the death penalty it is this one. I am not just saying that because I have so much anger and hate in my heart. But, because there is so much evidence that proves that this animal did it. And of course there is the brutality of what he did. There is no doubt about who did it and what he did. He intended to murder that night. And for that, he should be punished. He should not be allowed to the luxury of us taxpayers paying for three meals and a roof over his head every day until he is an old man. He should suffer the same pain that he inflicted upon my dear husband.

Monday, June 28, 2010

It's Official

It's officially my birthday. I've hit a milestone birthday (40) today and it's my first since my beloved Chris passed away. Needless to say, I'm miserable. I should be happy, I should be celebrating with him. But, I'm not. I'm alone. I have three birthday wishes and want just one of them to come true.

1. I wake up in the morning and it's December 8, 2009 and I'm able to prevent this.
2. I wake up tomorrow and the past 6+ months have been a hellish nightmare and he's safe beside me in bed.
3. I don't wake up at all.

Those are the absolute only things that I want. Yet I know that the first two are out of my control and will not happen, no matter how hard I pray, plead and bargain. But, the third is totally within my control. I want nothing more for my birthday than to be with him, how ever that may be. Life is not worth living without him in it. I never quite knew what love and happiness were until I met him. I never knew how awful it was to lose until I lost him. Now, my life has no meaning and no purpose. So, why bother anymore? I'm going to make myself a cup of tea and decide just what to do for my birthday...

Friday, June 18, 2010

Why Do I Bother?

Why do I bother thinking of other people before thinking of myself? These people don't think of me, or my feelings. So, why should I think of theirs? I don't know why I always have to be the good guy (that some try to make out to be the bad guy)? I can't ever say no to people. And when I do get the courage to utter "Um, I don't really think so..." I get nagged and or bullied into saying yes. UGH! I wish that Chris was here because he would put all of these people in their places for me. He was such a nice guy, but he knew where the boundry's were and God help you if you crossed the boundry. Yep, just one more thing that I miss about him. Maybe he will somehow give me the courage to stand up to some of these people?!?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

How am I?

I think that people think that I should be ok now. I know that those close to me don't want to hear how I'm really feeling, nor do those that aren't so close. I think that they ask how I'm doing just to be polite. They want to hear, "I'm doing good" or at least OK. They don't want to know how I still cry at night, or how I still leave the tv on downstairs. They certainly don't want to know that I still day dream about joining him. Everyday!!! This new life is hard, I think that it's hard on everyone. While everyone may still be mourning for Chris, I think that they want me to be ok. Well, I'm not ok. I don't think that I will ever be ok. Losing a spouse has to be one of the most difficult things that a person can ever endure in life. How can I be ok at six months out? My life still doesn't have any purpose. I haven't figured out how to get out of bed at a reasonable hour yet. I miss him maybe more now than I did the first day because now the reality of it all is starting to hit me. I logically know that it isn't a horrible mistake. Yet, I still wait for him to come walking in the door with some crazy excuse why he hasn't been home. I can't properly explain how heart wrenching this is. My head knows the truth, but my heart just won't believe it. One of these days, I just might tell someone the truth about how I feel when I'm asked. But, to be honest, I don't think that some people really care. I know that there are people in my life that do care, but they want me to be ok. Maybe they don't know how to 'deal' with me not being ok. They want me to not cry anymore. They want me to "move on". There is no moving on from losing your soulmate. It's almost like losing a limb, your mind can "feel" it there and even tries to move it. But, when you look, it's not there. Your brain has a hard time processing it. Even after years, you think that it's there and it's not. I still think that Chris is here. I talk to him everyday. Sometimes, when my back is to his side of the bed, it feels like he is right there when I'm talking to him. And when I don't get a response, I have to turn and see that he's not there. I don't know if or when I'll be ok, good or fine. But, that is because Chris and I had a special bond that nobody could break. No matter how hard they tried. We were meant for each other. Our paths crossed so many times during our lives. But, it was that one magical day that we actually met face-to-face. I remember so much about that day, even down to what we both were wearing. I knew in my heart and head that we were meant to be. I know that we will be reunited one day, but until then, I have to put on my game face and pretend that I'm doing ok.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I didn't know

I didn't know that the last time I kissed you, it would be the last time that I would ever kiss you. I didn't know that the last time that I said "goodbye", it would be the last time I ever said "goodbye." I had a chance to kiss you again, and I had a chance to say goodbye again. But, I didn't. I didn't because I thought I would get another chance. I didn't know that you were hurt so badly, you were talking to me. I didn't know that when I walked away, it would be the last time that I saw you alive. If I could go back to those moments, I would. If I could go back to that wonderful morning, I would. I would go back and fix this. But, I can't. I don't want to keep going, it is so painful. I didn't know that I could cry this much, my tears could overflow all the oceans in this world. But, I can't undo this tragedy. How am I supposed to go on living without you? We had so many dreams, my favorite was when we would talk about growing old, sitting on the porch and yelling at the cars going past. But, all of my dreams have been shattered. What am I supposed to do now? I am but a fraction of the person that I was before. I will continue to be a broken woman for the rest of my life. Having you in my life was the greatest gift that I could ever get. Having you ripped from my life was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I didn't know just how much I loved you until you were taken from me. I didn't know how empty my world would become if you were not a part of my life. I just didn't know, and I wish that I did.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Playing the Slot Machines

Today has been a calm day. Every day brings a different emotion with it. Furthermore, some days will evoke different emotions at different hours. I equate this new life to playing the slot machines. One click, you lose. You keep clicking until you win. But, the win is nothing big. You may be back where you started or slightly ahead. You don't win the jackpot. But, you keep playing hoping that you will win, even though the odds of winning the jackpot are very slim to none. You don't want to switch machines because the jackpot might be the next pull, and it won't be fair if after all your hard work, someone else gets it on their first pull. All that I can hope for is that I walk out of this journey slightly ahead of when I started. I know that my jackpot will not happen, at least not right now and certainly not if I quit playing. But nonetheless, I keep playing. It is the only thing that is keeping me alive right now. I suppose that the day that I join him, is the day that I hit the jackpot. But, I know that the only way to hit that jackpot is to keep playing: to keep living each day the best that I can.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Letter to Chris

Kochanie,

I want you to know that I love you so very much, I will never stop loving you. And, I miss you. The pain that I feel is more than I have felt ever before in my life. But, that makes sense because the joy that you brought to me was more joy than ever before in my life. You were and always will be my one and only Kochanie. I knew from the moment that we met that you were someone special. I had never before felt so much love in my life. Truth be told, I didn't even know what it felt like to love someone before I met you. You quickly became my entire world.

I remember the day that you proposed to me like it was yesterday. Every time that I think of that morning, I smile bigger than I had in six months. I like to think of you that way. You were so happy and it was so spontaneous. It reminds me of when Tom Cruise was jumping on Oprahs couch. I smile when I think of how quickly the idea came to you and how you jumped out of bed. How could I say no? Even as I write this, I'm smiling. God, I fell in love with you all over again that day. We didn't know each other for very long, but what I knew that morning was that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I never thought that I would only get a few short years with you. Please know that those years with you were the best of my life. I was happier with you than I had been in my entire life. You were the one and only person that I searched my entire life for. Oh and how my friends were envious. You were truly the most handsome man that I had ever met. And the fact that you wanted me just floored me. I still can't believe it. You were a wonderful man, with a beautiful soul, and the most amazing person I've ever known.

I know that you were no longer in your body, I know the moment that you left it. I know that your spirit lives on. I know that you are still here with me, even though your body isn't. Yet, the house feels empty now that your body is not here. I'm sorry that I had to walk away. I know that it was no longer you, but I couldn't bear watching it. I don't want to believe that you are gone. I love you more than words can express. I want nothing more than to be with you. I will not say goodbye, because we will meet again some day. So, until then: dobranoc, kochanie. Kocham ciÄ™ bardzo kochanie, zawsze i na zawsze.

Ann

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Things That I Want to Scream About...

So, I think that I found a housemate. One of Chris's friends. We have a "friend" in common too. CS. When I mentioned that CS didn't like me, it wasn't to deter him from his decision. It was because I didn't know how close they were and I didn't want to cause a rift between them. No matter what I think about CS, I would never say to anyone else "you can't be friends with her." But, I just said something along the lines of I don't know why she doesn't like me. And that is partially true. I know why I don't like her, and as a result I did something that she didn't like. Well, his response was that CS said I didn't like her to hang out with Chris. I just rolled my eyes. It's not fair to him to start bickering about this shit. So, I really need to say what I wanted to say to him (and to others) but just can't muster the strength or want to rock the boat. Yep, yesterday I was numb, today I am angry!!!

I didn't like CS hanging out with my husband because she brought him beer. Her response was that he's always going to be an alcoholic so get used to it. UMMMM, yes, he will always fight those demons. But, when he's fighting, you don't tempt him. I don't care if he asked you to bring it, YOU JUST DON'T DO IT.

Another thing CS, he did not call you the day before he passed away, and in the months proceeding it, you only talked to him a total of a half hour. I know this because I checked his phone records. So stop telling the world that you and he were best buddies. He couldn't stand you, there are only two reasons that he liked you: 1. your daughter, he cared about her deeply and 2. you brought him free beer!!

So CS...you stated that Chris and Shannon got into an argument and Shannon killed him? That is definite news to me and to the police. How did you obtain this information? Is it true that you actually are friends with Shannon?

CS, you have established yourself to be a liar. Your own FIL could not stand you, you have alienated Chris's entire family. I know why they can't stand you, and shame on you for what you did at your FIL's funeral!  I can't blame any member of Chris's family that hold resentment for you.  What you did to MC was absolutely inexcusable.  And the sad thing is that you feel no shame or remorse for your actions.  Yet, you act like the victim when his family avoids you like the plague.

To KM, you did NOT know my husband better than anyone. He did NOT tell you things that he didn't tell anyone else. I know this because I specifically asked you a question about his past. A question that if he told you everything you would have known about, and you would have remembered. How dare you pretend that you were the most important person in his life!

KM, if you only knew what Chris said about you the night before he passed. He finally saw you for who you really are. He had mentioned all along that he suspected that you were just using him for his skills. And the night before he passed away, he told me that he was tired of you using him. You had promised him the entire time that he was with me that you would pay him for him doing stuff for you, or you were going to give me a car, but you always had an excuse why you couldn't do it for him. While he was grateful for you letting him stay with you, he knew that it wasn't free or you just being a generous, kind soul. He was pissed at you!! He had had enough. And it took no coaching from me. He was done doing things for free for you. He finally saw you as the user that you are. I know why you tried so damn hard to get me to leave him when he had the last DUI. It was because you knew that if he didn't live there, he would stop doing things for free. Oh, I remember vividly the conversations that you and I had about him, about how you tried your best to try to convince me not to marry him. Yep, you were right that you would have had to start paying him for any work that he did. But, you still didn't want to accept it. You didn't "love" him, I think that you wanted him to stay with your daughter not me. Too bad! We were deeply in love. I was the only person aside from his real family that actually saw him for who he really was inside. And he loved me for that. I stuck by him through thick and thin. I can't really say the same for you.
To JD, I hope that you are happy with yourself. You called Chris a friend? And this is how you act? I can assure you that he is very disappointed in you. Have your fun and leave me alone. Truth be told, he laughed and made fun of you behind your back. If you don't believe me, maybe you should ask LS or MC.  He didn't really like you, but to tell you that would only hurt you. So, I've kept my mouth shut. I always knew that there was something wrong with you. Especially the last time that you sat in my living room. I could tell that you were not playing with a full deck.

To HR, how dare you!!!!! You had absolutely no right to bring your husband along to take pictures!! Did you not think that the insurance and the police took plenty of pictures? I think that you did it because you are sick. You are demented. What the hell possessed you to do it, I mean give me a break. Then you lied about it. I can't even trust that you actually deleted them. I think that you did it for gossip reasons. I think that Chris had a premonition when he told me that you were never allowed to step into our house again. I didn't even tell him that it was technically "my" house, I agreed with him. I should have listened to him. But, I guess that maybe I was looking for an escape from our friendship. I disagreed with your lifestyle. I didn't understand it, never will, and want nothing to do with it.

So, to all you people that want to bring me down, back off! Have some respect to another human being. I don't care if you like me, but just leave me be. I want nothing to do with you and would appreciate the same in return. I'm so sorry that he was happy with me. I'm so sorry that you either lost your drinking buddy, your free laborer, or reason to be pissed off at the world. I did not take him from you, he chose to change his life for the better and I think that you resent him and me for that decision. Too F@%&ing bad!! He was happier the last few years of his life with me than he ever was with just you people in his life. Accept it, and move on. Accept the fact that I am and always will be his wife. I was the one that he chose to spend the rest of his life with, and I am the one that he chose to change his life for; if he hadn't have passed away so young, we would grow old together. Accept it and be done with your anger. As far as CS goes, I had forgotten all about you. But, this has brought up old feelings. I guess that all I can say is that I should be flattered that all that these people have so much to say about me and so much of their time is invested in me. I don't give them the same in return. However, I must have something worthwhile to them for them to hate me with no reason or recourse at all. I can't say that I hate any one of these people, I certainly dislike them all and want nothing to do with them. But, it is rather flattering when someone dislikes you without cause, it's akin to envy!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Feelings

I feel like I'm on the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. Yesterday was the six month anniversary or sadiversary. I normally do not cry in front of anyone, but I just let it all out, all day too. I cried at work, in front of a new person too. I had to tell him why so that he didn't think that I am a crazy person. I really didn't tell him much, just that Chris was gone and it was the six month mark and I was coming in early to go to a new support group. The new group was good, small, but good. I couldn't believe that I'd cried throughout the entire group. I cried on the way there and on the way home. I hadn't cried as much since his funeral. Of course, I cried myself to sleep.

But, today, I feel better. I cried a little bit, but not any more than any other day. My chest still feels tight, and I still feel the raw emotion to cry, but just can't muster the tears. I guess, I feel numb today. I almost hate this feeling. It's a feeling of having no feelings at all. I couldn't even laugh at something that on a normal day, would have me knee slapping happy. And, I feel tired. I feel like I could fall asleep sitting up. I woke up around 10 and let the dogs out then went right back to bed. I feel like I'm reverting backwards and not moving forward. This is exactly the way that I felt early on. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I slept, actually slept not just lingered in bed, until the last possible moment. I actually had to set my alarm to go off when I needed to get up. I thought that by now, I should be sleeping better and crying less. But, I'm not.

I hear of people near six months out and dating. I can't even fathom those feelings. I feel like I'm still married, I believe that I will be married to Chris for eternity. Someone told me yesterday that I need to remove my rings and start living. Easy for him to say, his wife is still very much alive. Then he compared his divorce to losing Chris. He did say that it's not the same, but... But, his wife chose to leave him, Chris didn't choose to leave me. I still have the feeling that he's coming home. I know logically that he's not ever going to walk through the door again. But, I can't help but fight this reality. So, my emotions will go really high some days and really low other days. You would think that since I'm bipolar, I would be used to this. But, no this is so different. It's unlike anything that I have ever experienced before. And I never want to experience it again. I want off this crazy ride. I want my husband back so that everything will go back to normal.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

6 Months Ago...

Six months ago, I was happy. I had almost everything that I needed or wanted. Chris was my world, my entire world. Really, at this time six months ago, there would have been nothing that would have made me happier. At this exact time six months ago, I was thinking how lucky I was to have him in my life. I wish that I would have told him that. I wish that I would have told him that I was happier than I'd been in a long time. I wish that I would have told him just how happy he made me. I feel so blessed that we had the time that we did, I wish that I would have told him that.

Chris was not perfect, nor was I. But, we meshed so well together. He had every quality that I could have ever wanted in a man. In retrospect, the only problem that we had, I could live with if I could have him back. But, I know that there is no going back. Time only moves forward, and here I am six months out and I'm no better. Time may move forward, but I'm just not ready to move on. Not just yet. I'm miserable. This new life that I must adapt to sucks. I hate it. The one and only thing that I want, I will never have again. I just hope that he's waiting for me on the other side. Despite what MD says, I will forever be his wife and he will forever be my husband. Our bond extends beyond death.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Faking It

Yep, I admit it: I fake it. Everyday too! And, I think that I'm pretty good at it. My life has been turned upside down and I don't know how the hell I got here. Well, I do, but I like to pretend that it don't know. I fake it that this didn't happen to us. I may have some times where I am able to laugh, which is a good thing. And it is a genuine laugh. But, it's because is those moments while I'm laughing, I forget about this horrible incident. But, there are other times when I want to scream, cry, and curse the world. But, instead, I smile at you like nothing is wrong. I hold on a conversation with you and give you my pleasant smile all the while thinking, "I need to end this before I burst into tears." There are a few times when I just can't fake it anymore and tears well up in my eyes. Some people don't get it, some people think that it was something that they said, and others just ignore it. It's because I was faking being normal (whatever that is) and I just couldn't fake it anymore. I've lived long enough that I know the correct responses and reactions to things, just like the character Dexter. Yet, I am not a sociopath. But, like him, I am emotionally numb and I have learned to fake my way through this new life. I fake happy emotions and responses. I feel like I am a robot that has been programed with specific responses to specific situations. I fake that I'm intrested in your happy life. I wonder, "why do they get to be happy and Chris had to be brutally murdered?" I fake that I am so happy that you are having or just had a baby. I often think, "why do they get to have a baby when Chris and I could afford it, could take care of it and yet, we couldn't? And now we can't because he was so brutally murdered." I fake that I'm interested in your new boyfried or your upcoming wedding. I wonder, "why do they get to be so happy and I'm left behind so miserable because Chris was brutally murdered?" I fake that your lies about me and Chris don't hurt me. I seriously wonder, "What the hell are you thinking? Do you not realize the hell that I have been through and am still going through? Do you not think that I don't need anymore stress, and who would say such things to a widow anyway?" I fake that I care about anything other my own demise. I think about my own death every moment of every day. Most of all, I fake that I want to go on living this stupid life that I am forced to live without Chris.

I know that some people will read this and wonder if I'm faking my friendship with them. NO! I don't fake friendship. That would take too much energy out of me. I don't have enough to fake that much. I have a few people in my life that are absolutely wonderful. They get it, they allow me to cry, scream, curse, or whatever else that I need to do. I don't need to fake it with them. I wish that the rest of the world were like them. They let me talk about Chris whenever I need to, they even interject with funny stories about him. They are there to hold my hand, besides...I think they know when I'm faking it.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

When we first met

Right before I met Chris, I was dating someone. He had his own apartment, but was thinking of moving and then just visiting me on the weekends. I certainly did not want that. The thought of living with someone was...well, it was very unsettling. I absolutely did not want to share my house with anyone. Not even on a weekend. It wasn't just the sharing, it was spending that much time with anyone. It bothered me, I was very independant and loved my alone time. Don't get me wrong, I liked his company and all, but it's like baby sitting. You get to spend some quality time with him, have fun, then send him home. I liked that idea. Then I met Chris.

He stood me up the first time that we were supposed to go out. Then he texted me the next day, "thanks for last night." Thanks for last night???? I was pissed, we talked on the phone and I was furious. I thought that he was mocking me. He tried to explain that it meant "thanks for understanding that I fell asleep..." Whatever. I kinda went off on him, which is so far from who I am. He hung up on me. I called him right back, then I explained that I was sorry for my attitude and how it really wasn't like me. I thought that it was over. I didn't hear back from him for a couple of days. Then he called me when I was out with Jenny. He asked if I wanted to meet up and have that date that we didn't get to have. In a move that is so unlike me, I left Jenny at the bar. Of course I made sure that she had a ride home and all. Well, I had a wonderful time with him. We made plans for him to come over to my house the next day. He actually called me and I picked him up. He ended up staying at my house for a couple of days.

I met his friend N. When I went back to work at lunch, N took him over to his house. Chris was supposed to work the next day. Well, it fell through and he asked me to come pick him up. He told me that he'd rather spend time with me than with N. Of course, I went over there to pick him up. N was furious!! He told me that I was "nothing but a fling" and that Chris "was not seriously into me." Chris stood up for me and told N not to talk to his "girlfriend" that way anymore. One thing lead to another and I told Chris to decide if he wanted to stay there or leave with me. Well, he left with me and told N not to speak to him again until he apologized to me. (Which, never happened. But, I explained to Chris that I didn't want to be the reason that he didn't talk to his friend.)

I picked him up at KM's house for our next date. He packed a bag because he was going to spend the weekend with me. I was actually very happy about that. Despite me not wanting anyone to share my house with, I was looking forward to sharing it with him. I'm really not sure how long he stayed, but there was an argument between one of KM's daughters and him. So, KM kicked him out of the house. He could have gone anywhere, that's the way that he was. But, he asked if he could live with me. Despite my feelings just one month prior, I gladly welcomed him into my home. My home quickly became his home.

I look back at those early days and smile. The only thing that I would change is I wish that I knew what was going to happen December 8, 2009. Someone once asked me, "if you knew how this would end, would you still have married him?" Absolutely!! Even though our time was so short, my life was so much better with him in it. I didn't know what it meant to truly love someone until I met him. Our time together was wonderful, even when we argued. I know that he loved me, truly and deeply. And I will forever love him.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Things that I HATE!!

I like lists, they bring some sort of order into my disorderly world. Chris liked lists too. It was always refreshing to see you cross things off a large list. It was progress. Lately, though, I just don't have the energy to make lists. But, boy do I need to start again. There are so many things that need to be done around my house and I just know if I made a list of the small things that need to be done, then all of the big things would be accomplished without even realizing it. That's the beauty of lists. But, I just don't have the energy. I guess I'm just too lazy to write the list.

But, there is one list that I can write right now....that is a list of things that I hate.

I hate Shannon Holmes.
I hate Jennifer Evans.
I hate that I have to drive past their house every single day.
I hate reliving that night every night on my way home from work.
I hate coming home to a quiet house.
I hate that my house is so incredibly messy.
I hate that I won't have anyone over anymore because the house is so messy.
I hate my lunch hour.
I hate eating dinner alone.
I hate that I still think that he's going to walk through the door at any moment.
I hate when I realize that he's not going to walk through the door at any moment.
I hate crying myself to sleep every night.
I hate going to sleep alone every night.
I hate waking up alone every morning.
I hate that I don't want to get out of bed every single day.
I hate that I have to get out of bed every single day.
I hate that I sometimes "forget" what has happened.
I hate when I suddenly realize what has happened.
I hate that I want to call him every time I hear some news or when I want to say "I love you".
I hate that he will never be at the other end of the phone when I want to call him.
I hate that I have to leave the downstairs tv on a sleep timer at night to feel like he's still downstairs watching tv.
I hate when I wake up to a quiet house and realize that he's not just downstairs watching tv.
I hate when people tell me to "get over it" or "you have to move on".
I hate when people compare widowhood to a divorce, or the loss of a pet.
I hate when people don't want to talk about him.
I hate those people that act like they knew him better than anyone.
I hate the person that said at his funeral "He got what he deserved."
I hate those people that kick me now that I'm down.
I hate going to court so much for nothing.
I hate seeing the monsters's smug face and evil eyes when I do go to court.
I hate seeing the monster's girlfriend's smug face and evil eyes when I do go to court.
I hate that this monster can't just "man up" and admit his crime.
I hate that he can play the justice system like it's some sort of game.
I hate when people pester me.
I hate when people leave me alone.
I hate being lonely.
I hate that I will never be a mother.
I hate all of this hate that I have in my heart.
I hate this new identity of widow.
I hate this new life.
But most of all, I hate that my wonderful dear Christopher was murdered.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Definitions

Our identity can be defined by who we are. I started this life defined as "daughter" and "sister". Then I became "student". Of course I had other small insignificant definitions in between student and now. But, there was no other identity that I was more proud of than that of "wife". I didn't even mind when Chris made a special ringtone for his phone that said "warning, warning, the wife is calling." I didn't mind because that's who I was. I didn't have my own identity anymore, I was part of a couple. And I was proud to be his wife. I am struggling now with my new definition, my new identity: "widow". I never dreamed that I would be a widow, even in my golden years. I guess I never really thought about life without him. What I find sad as well is that I will never be defined as "mother". Which is something that I long to be. So, I have to accept being forever defined as a widow. Because now that is my identity. That is how I am defined.

Our time has definitions too. When we are little it is age, 5 or 5 and a half, we can't forget our "half" years. Then as we get older, it seems our time is defined by school: how many years we are in school, how many days until summer break, and how many years until we are finished with school for good. But, it seems like as we get out of school, we don't define time anymore. But, I do. It seems like my life has definite time lines. Of course I have my school time line, which seems like it never ends. But, mostly my time is defined by Chris. My life before him, my life with him and now it's how long since he's been gone. Even when we were together, I didn't define time. We were happy, time was just something to pass together when we were bored. But, now it is significant. Time doesn't stop and it certainly doesn't go backwards. It only moves forward, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly. The first few days, maybe weeks, after Chris was gone, time went slowly. Very slowly. Now, it doesn't go quick enough.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Music

Chris was all about music. It was his passion. He was learning to play the guitar when he passed. Anytime he had something to say, that he couldn't actually "say" he would play a song that reflected his mood and thoughts. For instance, when he would upset me to the point of tears he would always play Sorry by Buckcherry. Call me crazy, but I think he's done this after he passed too. For instance I found something out that he did that infuriated me. I cursed at him, and yet Sorry played on my iPod at least 5 times in a 20 minute ride.

About a month after Chris passed, a wonderful medium came to my house. (Thank you Elizabeth!) She told me how much Chris loved music and he sometimes would communicate with me through music. Last night as I was driving home from work the song Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. Admittedly, not his choice of music. However, the first lyrics that came over the radio were "You couldn't have loved me better. But I want you to move on so I'm already gone." I immediately started crying because I was thinking earlier how I hate when people tell me to move on and say how this grief isn't what Chris would want for me (as if anyone really knows what he wants right now.) I cried the entire ride home. Of course I talked with him, and thought coincidence, but just in case...I told him I can't move on and then I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Well, tonight the song on the radio was Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas. And the first lyrics that I heard? "Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more." WOW!!! Another coincidence? I don't know, but I still cried. I don't "feel" his presence as much anymore and am grateful for any and all signs that I can get. I used to smell cigarette smoke, and I still do; just not as often. Call me crazy, but I think that he's trying to talk to me in the only way that he can.

Dear World...

Dear World,

You are cruel and so unfair. I know that nobody said that life was fair. But, I waited so long to find my soulmate. Then at what seemed like the peak of my happiness, he was taken away from me, much, much too soon, and so painfully cruelly. I am afraid to be happy again. I'm afraid that that happiness will be taken away as well. I wanted nothing more in life than to be a family with my husband. I wanted a child with him more than anything. Now, you have taken that away. I cannot possibly have a child now because I wanted HIS child. That dream is gone. I will feel like I am betraying him by having a child with someone else. What else can you possibly take from me? Everything that I loved about life is gone. Everything that I possibly thought my life could be is gone. All of my hopes and dreams died with Chris. There are so many well meaning people that just don't understand this type of loss. Everyone at one time experiences the devistating loss of someone that they love. But, losing a spouse is a unique type of loss. I was a very independant person before I met Chris. But, when we married, we became one. My heart, body and sould depended on him to live. Mine became his, and his became mine. I relied on him for what seemed like everything, just as he relied on me as well. Now that he is gone, I feel like I am all alone. I don't have anyone that will drop everything at the drop of a hat. I don't have anyone to call when I hear news. I don't have him to wake up next to ever again. There is nothing but tears and lonliness when I go to bed. I have to put the tv on a sleep timer downstairs so that I can pretend that he is downstairs watching tv. Then when I wake up to a silent house, I realize all over again that he's not here and my heart breaks all over again. I still, six months out, pick up the phone to call him. The realization that he will never be at the other end is devistating. It's like hearing the news for the first time all over again, every time.

Dear World,

You have some very cruel inhabitants. One in particular, had the nerve to tell me that she knew more about my husband than anybody else, and that he told her stuff that he didn't tell anyone. Also, she said that he didn't want to get the DNA test, but he did it to "save his marriage". Yet in the very next sentence, she said that "he was planning on leaving me." Really? Which is it? He can't be trying to save his marriage and leave at the same time. But the bigger question is: what kind of person would tell a grieving widow these things? Even if it were true. Those things were said with the sole intention of causing me more hurt. She never once asked me how I was doing.

Dear World,

Another one of your inhabitants told me to stop this facade. Well, she was right. I have been faking. I have been faking that I am a strong person. I am not a strong person at all. If people knew what was really going on in my head, they would surly lock me up and throw away the key. I don't cry in front of other people, it seems to make other people uncomfortable. So, I cry in private or quickly wipe away the tears.

Dear World,

I cannot "just get over it" or "move on". All I can do is cling to the happy memories, move forward, and try to figure out my new identity, my new life. There is no getting over the ending of a wonderful life. There is no getting over what my life was supposed to be. There is no getting over the nightmare that became my life. All I can do is hold on to what was and move forward. I will never be able to move on. There is no replacement for what was and what it was supposed to be. There will never be a replacement for my husband. He was special, certainly one of a kind. I will never be able to "just get over him" or "move on". Chris will always be my one true love, my soulmate, and forever my best friend.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hands down, the worst day of my life

Christopher Cser is my husband.  Chris and I were married just two years, one month and one week when it happened. To tell the full story, I need to go back, just a couple of days...Monday, December 7 had started out just like any other day. Chris and I had a major blowout the Thursday beforehand, lots of words said and feelings hurt, but nothing serious.  I wrote him a letter the next day and explained why his drinking needed to stop, he was drinking twice a week and I was afraid that he'd be drinking more and more until it was again an everyday habit.  So, he had promised that he would stop drinking. Well, he didn't keep his promise; by that night he was drunk and depressed. We both suffer from bi-polar disorder. I self medicated with shopping and he self medicated with alcohol. But this Monday was different. He had finally said the words that I had been waiting to hear for well over two years..."I need help!" He had finally agreed to check himself into an inpatient rehab center. The outpatient center wasn't working for him. I was overjoyed to hear those words, alcohol was quickly ruining our marriage. I had actually gotten a divorce lawyer and threatened him with the big D, divorce. I can't say that I would have ever gone through with those threats because I loved him way too much, he is my soul mate. Besides, I never contacted the lawyer, just the referral. Anyway, when I came home from work that night, I sat on the stairs and he sat on the floor in the hallway. He was sobbing about how he had let his alcohol interfere in his life for much too long. This was not the way that he wanted to live, he wanted to have a child with me and he did not want his child go grow up like him. We had a magnificent night despite his drinking, it seemed like he sobered up pretty quickly. When we went to sleep, he was anxious. He kept getting out of bed and checking the downstairs, checking the alarm, and smoking. He couldn't sleep and therefore, I couldn't sleep. The next day started out pretty well. I was going to make him breakfast (something that I hadn't done in weeks) but, he was hungry and decided to make his own eggs because I was taking too long....yeah, I was making him some fresh squeezed orange juice, coffee, bacon, and toast. We joked about it, I then went to my doctor's appointment and did some Christmas shopping. When I got back, we sat on the sofa and watched some car show that he was into. I didn't even mind, I was actually interested in it. I also showed him one of the presents that I bought for his son, a remote controlled snowmobile. He was so excited about it and was joking that he was going to play with it tonight since it was supposed to be the first snowfall of the year.

After I went to work, I sent him a text message asking him if he opened the snowmobile and started charging the battery. We joked about it some more. Then he told me that he was going to make me a surprise dinner. He hadn't made me dinner in about a month. I was so excited because our life was getting back on track, where it used to be before he started drinking again. He made me chicken fingers, with homemade baked french fries and vegetables. The vegetables were a big deal because he would always tell me that we didn't need a vegetable if we had a potato, I disagreed. I had to get back to work. We kissed, and he told me that he'd probably be sleeping when I got home because he had to work in the morning. I kissed him again and told him how much I loved him. Little did I know, that would be the last time that I would ever kiss him again.

I finished my work early and regret not coming home. I really wanted to spend more time with him, but I didn't want to blow my vacation time. So, I stayed and when I was getting ready to leave about a half hour early, a coworker stopped me to ask for my help. I did. I will forever regret those decisions. I ended up walking out the door at 11:30pm. I had to clean off my car from all the snow. It was 11:34pm as I was pulling out of work when he called. I couldn't understand him, then he said it. He said, "I've been stabbed." I had him repeat it, I asked who did it? He told me, "Shannon." I didn't know Shannon personally, I just knew him as some guy that occasionally drank with Chris. He also told me not to come home and to call 911. Our phone call lasted 28 seconds. I called 911 and gave them as much information as I knew. They also told me not to enter the house. As I pulled up to the house, I noticed one set of footprints leading to the back door and a second set coming out the front door in a zig zag pattern. I called Chris again and asked him where he was? I was thinking that he managed to leave the house, he told me that he was in the living room and to not go in. How could I not? That was my husband! I remember the front door was closed, but not locked. The first thing that I saw when I entered was blood on our manger. Then I saw him. He was laying on his back in front of the couch. The coffee table was pushed out of place. I called my mother in a panic. I could hear the moisture in the area rug under my footsteps. His shirt was a dark blue, I kept thinking "That's not the shirt that he had on earlier, that shirt was light blue." I held his hand, and I asked him, "where are you stabbed?" He told me everywhere, then he lifted his shirt. I could see one stab wound on his stomach, but it wasn't bleeding. I could see wounds on his neck, face and head (which I later learned were as the result of torture)...but none of them were bleeding. He kept telling me that he loved me. I asked him how the guy came in, he told me, "He busted through the back door." I left his side to grab the house phone to call 911 again. It had seemed like an eternity since I had called, but it was about 5 minutes. I noticed the blood on the wall in the dining room and the dining room table was pushed about 3 feet from where it normally is. With 911 on the phone, I went back to Chris. I kept going from Chris to the front door and back to Chris. I couldn't understand why the police were taking so long. At one point, Chris had said, "Tell Zachary I loved him." I thought, you can tell him that yourself! Well, the police stopped at the corner and the 911 operator told me to go to them. Worst mistake of my life. I left my best friend, my husband, my life lying in the living room alone while the police stood in front of my porch with their guns drawn. I kept asking why they weren't going in, then I heard over the radio that they smelled gas in the house and they had to wait for the fire department to get there. (After brutally attacking my husband, this monster turned on the gas on the stove.) I remember the fire trucks, but I don't remember them arriving. I don't know when they took him to the hospital because I was put in the back of a police car. I was taken to the hospital and examined. I was also having a panic attack so they had to examine me for that. I sat in an emergency room with a police guard outside my door and I was not permitted to wash his blood off my hands. NOBODY, would tell me how Chris was doing, despite me asking every few minutes. They kept saying "I don't know", "I don't know who he is" and "he's not my patient". I prayed that he would be ok. When they were taking me to get xrays, I asked if they caught Shannon. The response was, "we've already arrested him." It wasn't "we've found him and questioning him" or even "he's in custody", but it was arrested him!  (I later found out that his name was Shannon Maurice Holmes and he lived on the next block over and across the street.)

I was transported to the police station with my mom in a police car. My dad was going to meet us there. But, my mom had his keys so he had to wait for the police to bring them to him. I was questioned about the events of that night. I can't say that I know what time it was, I'm thinking it was past 2 am December 9, 2009. When I was asked to write my statement the detective told me that he was going to find out how Chris was doing. He came back and matter of factly told me, "Ok, your husband has passed away." The only thing that I could say was, "NO, NO, NO, go call the hospital because there is a mistake!" He got up and I assumed that he was going to call the hospital again. Well, he left to get my parents. They had actually already known because the medical examiners office came to pick up Chris while my dad was waiting for his keys. Chris had 61 wounds, 28 stab wounds and 33 incised wounds.

The police followed this murderers footsteps in the snow. He went past his house to the corner street and hopped fences, the officer followed his footsteps right to his fence. He wouldn't come to the door, but his girlfriend came home from work and the police immediately put her in the back of their car. When Shannon saw this, he came to the door. The police officer asked him, "What's that on your face?" He replied, "Oh that's my complexion." The officer immediately placed him under arrest because as it turns out, that substance on his face was blood, my husbands blood! He had also tried to burn his clothes and the knife (a double edged diamond tipped knife) in the BBQ. Thankfully, the police recovered it before it was too late. His girlfriend had actually led them to the BBQ because she said that he'd committed a crime before and got away with it by burning the evidence.

There was some extensive news coverage of this; which is surprising considering we are in the suburbs of a major crime ridden city. The news falsely reported that Chris and Shannon had met up at a local party store, bought alcohol and later got into an altercation at our home. This is completely false! There was only one set of footprints leading to our side door. Besides, I know my husband, if he had been near alcohol, he would have drank some. The toxicology report stated that he did not have any alcohol in his system.

I still live in the house. It was our first home together and the very first place that either of us could say is "mine". I don't think about that night or what I saw that night when I'm at the home. At least, I try not to. When I think about the dining room, I think about having dinner with his son as a family. When I think about the living room, I think about all the happy things that happened there. I am a little scared at night, I check the alarm and locks several times before and after going to bed. This guy's girlfriend still lives down the street from me and both of them give me "evil eyes" when I'm in court. And I firmly believe that she had something to do with it, or knows a lot more about it than what she is saying. I'm not really afraid for myself, I would be grateful to die. But, I don't ever want my father to have to see a crime scene like that again. He was the one that made all of the arrangements with the insurance and the clean up crew. He has stated that he's seen a lot of blood in his time, he is a Vietnam veteran, and he has never seen this much blood ever before. There was so much blood in my dining room floor, they had to cut a hole so big, I could fit through. The laundry that was in the basement under this portion of the house had to be disposed of. I have yet to go one day where I don't have visions of what happened that night. Every night on my way home from work, I panic. I can't be on the road at 11:34pm, at least not that drive home. I keep thinking about the fear that Chris experienced, about how he fought for his life. And about how he clung to life. He knew that he was dying, he held on long enough to see me. And for that, I will forever be grateful.

I wonder if this man had said something to Chris the day before when Chris was drunk to set him off? I wonder because Chris was so anxious at night. He's not talking and I doubt that he ever will. The trial has been postponed twice. Once because the DNA results weren't back yet and a second time because this monster is saying that he's incompetent to stand trial. I have to go to court in August to see what the results are of the competency tests.