Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Things We Carry

I had a college English class where the professor loved Vietnam War stories.  I, however, do not remotely enjoy reading war stories.  Yet, instead of dropping or transferring to another class, I read each and every novel.  One story in particular was The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien.  It is a work of fiction made up of short stories.  The very first story shares the title of the book.  It was wonderfully written, and I instantly fell in love with the book.

He started out by naming the very items that the soldiers carry in their backpacks.  Such as the ammo, the boots, and the rations.  And after some of the items, he stated how much it weighed.  You started to get a sense of just how much weight was on these soldiers backs as they trekked through the jungle.  Then he stated other items like photographs, letters, and such.  You understand that these particular items may not physically weigh very much, but they emotionally weigh more than the ammo, the guns and the rations.  And lastly, he started to list memories, tears, and emotions.  You finally understand that what weighs these soldiers down is not just the physical items, but it is so much more.  It is the internal items that can slow down the soldiers. 

Tim O'Brien wrote so eloquently that I understood and have so much respect for our soldiers in combat because they carry so much more on their backs than what is inside their backpacks.  We widows and widowers are somewhat similar in that regard.  We carry so much pain, but people cannot understand because they don't see the bruises or the scars so they think that we should be better by now.  We still feel the sting of sorrow, but because it is buried so deep within, people just can't see it to fully understand.  We still cry over our significant others, but people can't see our broken hearts so they ask us why?   We still have anxiety when we remember that our significant other isn't ever coming home, but all people can tell us is that we need to get over it.

It's that time of year where the pain is more intense.  Where our hearts are feeling more broken.  Where our backpacks feel more heavy.  I truly hope that everyone that reads this can understand just a little bit more that it's not just feeling blue, or missing Chris.  It's missing the life that Chris and I would have had.  It's missing the family that we would have had.  It's missing his son.  It's missing what we would have been doing today before work.  It's missing every little detail of every day.  It's also missing those pictures that I never took with him.  It's missing all the things that we never got to do.  It's missing him watch his son open his Christmas presents.  There's so much more. Those are the things that I carry with me every single moment of every day.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

GOD

I just read somewhere "God only gives you what you can handle."  Oh how I hate that saying.  I literally gnashed my teeth and cringed when I read it.  How do they know this to be true?  Do they know how close to suicide I have been and what has stopped me?  Do they know that there are so many others in my position that have committed suicide because they couldn't handle it?

I really am glad that nobody has said that phrase to my face lately.  I had a few people say it to me at Chris's funeral.  But, I was so numb, I just kind of let it go.  But, if they said to me today, they would definitely get an earful.  God did not do this to Chris.  Just as the father presiding over the funeral said, it was not God, that did this; man did this.  A monster named Shannon Maurice Holmes did this to Chris.  This was not part of God's plan.  What kind of God would he be if he planned a death like this for Chris?  Man was given free will, that is why this was allowed to happen.  It was a horrible, horrible tragedy, but it was not some sort of divine plan. 

After many meetings with my minister friend, I understand more about why it was "allowed" to happen.  I don't claim to have the answers, but I understand so much better about why things happen.  It doesn't mean that I have to agree or like it.  It just means that I can understand.  And yet, I still have not lost my faith in God. 

Saturday, December 18, 2010

"You really need to move on"

Again, I was told that I need to move on.  I really wanted to ask this person "How?"  How exactly does one move on from such a tragedy such as this?  I was at the peak of my happiness the day of the incident when my life came crashing down.  I understand that it's been over a year, and that people think that I should be over it, or better.  Yet, they didn't experience what I did.  Everyday that I wake up without Chris, I am reminded that he will never wake up beside me again.  Sure, I can try to convince myself that he's just gotten up early or whatever.  But, reality does eventually set in and I try my best to hold back the tears.  It still hurts, it still feels like a knife stabbing me in the heart when I realize that he's gone, never to return. 

I still have anxiety going to bed at night.  I still have nightmares when I actually sleep.  I still have hate in my heart when I think of the monster that took my love's life.  I have panic when I think of how close that monster lives to my house now.  How exactly am I supposed to move on?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Choices

I do believe that we have the choice how we are going to react to certain events.  While it's true that our initial reaction may be to get angry, laugh, or cry, we can learn to suppress those emotions.  We are also taught to count to ten before getting angry.  If you ever watch SNL, you'll see how they suppress the urge to laugh.  We all suppress our emotions, some are easier than others.  I'm still working on controlling my emotions; my hate and anger creep up every now and again.  But, my way of suppressing them is to push the "event" or people that cause those emotions to the back of my head.  Yes, that means that at times, I am still in denial about what happened.  But, at times, it makes it easier for me to deal with my life.  But, I will say that I have gotten better at keeping my emotions under control and not flying off the handle.  Maybe it's the medications, maybe it's the grief? 

The only emotion that I absolutely cannot control is the anxiety.  I get so anxious knowing that this monster is less than one hour away.  He is less than 50 miles from my house.  One more thing that causes sleepless nights and nightmares when I finally do find some sleep.  It's a terrifying thought that if he ever escapes that he is so close to my house.  He's a cold blooded murderer.  I can't control the anxiety that I feel, even trying to push the thoughts to the back of my mind won't cure it.  Nothing can help it.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Forget and Forgive?

So, the year mark has passed and my grief has not magically disappeared.  Not that I thought that it would.  I am sure that there are people close to me that would like for it to have gone away.  I am depressed, despite the medications.  But, I know that it is just my grief.  I want to be with Chris, but what I want is for Chris to be alive.  I want the events of December 8, 2009 to have never have happened.  I want this nightmare to end.  I am sure that the family of that monster wishes the same as well.

Today was the first day that I thought about that monster in quite a long time.  I had conversation with a good friend that is a minister.  We got on the subject of Heaven and Hell.  So, I thought of the monster for the first time today.  I was surprised at myself that I hadn't thought of him in quite a long time.  I may be able to bury my thoughts about him, and suppress my anger.  I discovered that the anger may be suppressed, but it still resides within me.  I am not quite able to forgive, I have been able to forget him to an extent.  I have to live every day of my life with what he did, so I will never forget what he did.  But, as long as I remember him, I live with my hatred of him.  So, I do my best to forget the monster that took Christopher from this world.

I believe in an afterlife.  I believe in Heaven and Hell.  And there is no doubt in my mind that Chris is in Heaven.  He is the one that insisted that we go back to church.  He believed in God and in Christ.  I don't know what the monster believes in, but I don't know how you can be a Christian and do what he did.  I also don't know that you can do what he did, then say that the Lord is your Savior and suddenly all is forgiven and you rest eternally in Paradise.  Then again, I don't have the answers.  However, I have come to the conclusion after a year, that it isn't for me to forgive.  I have a right to be angry.  I have a right to be mad.  I have a right to not forgive.  I am leaving the forgiving to God.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

In Memoriam

I just wanted to share with the world what a wonderful father that I have.  He wrote an in memoriam for Chris that was published in the Detroit Free Press today.  It reads:

It has been one year since God called you home.
The hearts that love you are sad.
The tears that cry for you are silent.
The pain of our loss will never leave us.
The tears will never go away.
 The memories will continue on.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

One Year

It's been a year since I had to say goodbye to my best friend, partner and husband.  I didn't say goodbye when I had the chance because I truly believed that it would not be goodbye.  It was too soon for goodbyes.  I kept thinking that as soon as the rescue arrived, he would be saved.  Even despite all that I know, I still can't believe that they weren't able to save him.  I somehow think that I failed him by not coming to his side quicker, by not coming home from work earlier.  His life was finally where it was supposed to be, it wasn't supposed to end so soon.  And it wasn't supposed to end so tragically. 

After 12:29am December 9, 2010, there will be no more thoughts of "this time last year we..."  I do that almost every day.  I try to rememeber what we did last year that day, or what we would have been doing.  Then I think, "what would we be doing today if this never happened?"  It makes me sad, but I can't stop it.  I can't turn those thoughts off like a light switch.  He was all that I had, he was everything to me.  When I lost him, I lost everything.  And now, I have to become me again.  The dreaded "widow".

 I miss him with all of my heart and soul.  I never thought that I could love someone as much as I love Chris, I never thought that I could hurt as much as I still do.  I keep remembering only the good things that we shared and try to avoid the "what ifs".  I don't know if it's a good thing or if it's a bad thing to think of what our lives could have been, but I know that we would have been great for a very long time had this horrible thing never happened.  One year ago tonight will have been the last time that I was able to look into his eyes and hold his hand, but it wasn't the last time that I was able to say "I love you".  I will always love him, nobody will be able to take that away from me.  He will always be a part of me.  I am positive that there is an afterlife and that he is waiting for me.  I just hope that he does not have to wait for very long.

Monday, December 6, 2010

What I've Learned

It's been almost a year since that fateful night that took Christopher from me and his loved ones, and there are a few things that I've learned:

  • I've learned exactly what love feels like.
  • I've learned how badly it hurts when that love is ripped away.
  • I've learned that I love Chris just as much today as I did one year ago.  As I did, 2 or even 3 years ago.
  • I've learned how important family really is.
  • I've learned that this world is cruel and definitely not fair.
  • I've learned that some people are very good liars.
  • I've learned that the world is filled with horrible, cruel people.
  • I've learned that there are some wonderful people in this world.
  • I've learned that even the people closest to me will disappoint me on so many different levels.
  • I've learned that my wedding ring is more precious than just a diamond and his is more than a band of gold.
  • I've learned to take plenty of pictures and videos of and with your loved ones.
  • I've learned that the videos of your loved ones "just being" themselves are worth more than all the precious gems in the world.
  • I've learned that when people ask how I'm doing, they really don't want to know the truth.  They only want to hear that I'm OK.
  • I've learned that people really don't care, unless you are "over it".
  • I've learned that most people don't want to talk about him.
  • I've learned that some people thought they were the more important to Chris than they really were.
  • I've learned that I am a survivor.
  • I've learned that people don't always filter their words and will say the most hurtful things without thinking about it.
  • I've learned that people will compare losing a spouse to divorce or even the loss of a pet and think that they have it worse.
  • I've learned that there are way too many "young" widows and widowers.
  • I've learned how to fake my smile, just don't look for it in my eyes...
  • I've even learned how to fake my laugh, just don't look in my eyes...
  • I've learned exactly what true hatred feels like.
  • I've learned that monsters really do exist.
  • I've learned that monsters make very good liars.
  • I've learned that people will believe exactly what they want to believe.
  • I've learned that you actually can wake up screaming in the middle of the night.
  • I've learned that my faith in God is even stronger than I'd imagined.
  • I've learned that people are selfish and do not want me to show my true emotions or cry in front of them.  They are only concerned with their feelings without any regard to mine.
  • I've learned that no matter what I do, or who I am with, I will always love Chris.
  • I've learned that it is OK to date if and when I'm ever ready.
  • I've learned that if I do eventually date someone, I will not love Chris any less.
  • I've learned that Chris will always be a part of my heart and soul.
  • I've learned that my life was so much better with Chris in it.  This world was a much better place with Chris in it.
  • I've learned that it's OK to talk about Chris, I want to talk about Chris.  I love talking about Chris.
  • I've learned that not wanting to live and wanting to die are not the same thing.
  • I've learned that wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself are also not the same thing.
  • I've learned that it really is OK for me to grieve as long as I want to grieve.
  • I've learned that unless you have lost a spouse, you truly do not know the pain that it causes.
  • I've learned that I will never "get over it", or even get better.  Grief and immense sorrow will always be in my heart, I will just learn to live with and around it.
  • I've learned that even though I don't feel strong, I do have some strength.
  • Mostly, I've learned just how precious life and love is and that it can be destroyed without warning and instantaniously. 
Life is short, don't wait until it is too late to live your life.  So, cherish those that you love.  Embrace your family and friends.  Hold on to friends and let go of grudges with those that really matter to you.  Say goodbye to the the bad people in your life.  Create only good memories and learn to forget the bad ones.  I have learned these lessons the hard way.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Avoidance

I actually got some sleep last night.  And no nightmares.  I was still up early, not too early.  But, I think that since one chapter of my life has closed it has lessened the anxiety of the one year mark.  I have been thinking about my future to divert my thoughts away from the events of that day.  I have made plans with friends so that I will not be at work and that I will be busy.  I keep thinking that as long as I can keep myself and my mind occupied, I can avoid the grief monster.  I have been talking about Chris with a couple of friends, I want to talk about him.  I want to remember the happy things, not the sad thing.  I want to be able to smile about him when I remember him.  I still have some moments where I can't believe that it's real, yep even at a year.  But, I'm accepting it more.  It's becoming more of my life and I try my best to avoid all thoughts of him not being around.  Somedays, I can't even look at pictures of him because it reminds me that he's not here.  So, I will continue to look ahead and try to avoid the events that took place December 8 of last year.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Live and Learn

I'm in such a good mood today.  I finally got my house back.  The last couple of weeks were horrible.  I decided that it was time to reevaluate my life and where I wanted it to go.  I made my mind up and what I wanted.  (I still want to keep that decision to myself until it comes to fruition.)  So, I had a discussion with the roommate about what I wanted to do with my life and that I wasn't sure when it was going to happen, but before it did happen, I would give K ample notice.  Well, I had made a decision to go ahead with it and when K had a friend stay at my house 4 nights in a row I thought it was a good time to give K notice to vacate.  This is a friend that K told me her husband threatened to kill her, and I asked that this friend not come around anymore.  Well, obviously the friend still came around, I decided that I did not want that drama at my house and that notice would be given. 

The roommate got the notice on a Saturday and waited until the following Monday to approach me.  K was hostile and said "you ruined my life".  Really?  This being said to the woman whose husband was brutally murdered in the very home that you are stating those words????  I just held up my hand and said that it wasn't up for further discussion and decided right then and there that I was making the absolute right decision.  I did not want anyone in my home speaking to me and disrespecting me in that manner.

So, K left the house yesterday without letting me know.  I'm actually ok, more than ok with that given the way that K has treated me the past two and a half weeks (I gave over five weeks notice).  I think that at the end of the day, I can smile when I walk into my home.  I am glad that I have my home back.  The only thing that I was incessed about was that K did not have the decency to let me know and did not give me my keys back until I had to basically beg and threaten to hold K to the end of the lease.  I did K a favor and this is how I am repaid?  I could be angry, I could be snide, I could be any thing else negative.  But, I really am going to wish K well.  I am going to hope that K has a wonderful life and good luck in school.  Yes, I am going to celebrate my freedom tonight, I made a mistake letting someone into my home that did not appreciate the help.  But, we all live and learn.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Christmas Tree With Love

I really don't know how I feel today.  I managed to make it through Thanksgiving without Chris.  I made it through dinner, playing wii with the family and spending time with my brother without tears.  But, I never really had problems with tears when I am around other people. It's when I'm alone that the tears flow. I even put up the tree without tears.  I did have to take plenty of "breaks".  I think that the reason for no tears was because the tree is decorated with hearts and represents the love that I have for Chris.  There is no sadness in my love for him.  Every ornament on the tree is new, almost half of the ornaments from last year were destroyed.  I couldn't bring myself to put up any of the past years decorations anyway, that's why I bought all new ones before I knew that half were discarded. I bought a real tree and had it flocked at the florist's shop. There are two odd ornaments on the tree, one represents my minpin, Brutus, that Chris tried so hard to get to be nice to people and the cats.  And the other is a beautiful ornament that my parents gave to me that is from Chris.  It is a beautiful pewter ornament "Merry Christmas From Heaven" and has the final verse to the poem on it: "I love you all dearly, Now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas With Jesus this year."  The moment that they gave the ornament to me was the moment that I broke down and cried.  My tree represented me and how I felt about Chris.  I don't look at it as a new beginning, because every time that I did, I would start to tear up.  So, I can't think of it as anything but a tribute to Chris.  Every heart is my heart and was put on the tree with love.  I smile when I look at the tree.  I doubt that if Chris were still here that this is what our tree would look like because it's very "girly".  But, I do know that if I wanted this tree, he would proudly put it up for me because that's one thing that I know about Chris is that he loved me and whatever I wanted, if it was within his means, he wanted me to have it.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Giving Thanks

Last Thanksgiving was the last one that I spent with Chris.  We had my entire family over.  We both cooked the meal, including homemade pies.  I was so in love with him that day.  He actually helped me cook and clean.  He truly was the most wonderful loving husband, and he showed it that day.  I kept thinking that this year, I have nothing to be thankful for.  But, the more that I thought about it, the more that I realized that I do have things that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my job.  I may hate it at times.  But, it pays really well and to be honest, I am treated pretty decent these days.  My boss is very understanding.  I truly feel as if I work for a family owned company than a huge corporation (technically, it is family owned).  Most of my co-workers are great, especially the ones that I directly interact with.  Things are busy, I have been working overtime.  But, most of all, I have a job.  That alone, I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my friends.  Yes, I have lost a couple after Chris passed away.  But, I'm not sad about it.  But, I have so many more friends that have reentered my life.  So many friends from HS that I reconnected with.  I remembered why they were my friends in high school and I know why I call them my friends now.  I have also met some new friends through Chris, even after his passing.  Some of these friends have replaced my best friends and I have become closer the them than my own friends.  I am so very thankful for these friends that have stood beside me during this past year.

I am thankful for my widda friends.  It is such a tragedy that I had to meet these wonderful people.  But, they are special to me.  They all know what I have gone through and what I am going through because they have experienced it.  They may not have experienced exactly what I did, but losing the love of your life has bonded us.  Some of them know what I have yet to go through still.  I have learned something from so many of them.  And so many of them are so dear to me.

I am thankful for my family.  I have always known that my family was great.  But, I never knew how truly magnificent they are.  Since I have been an adult, my mom has been one of my best friends.  And we have become even closer this past year.  My father has always been a hero to me.  To see his emotions last December, made him an even bigger hero in my heart.  Both of my brothers have been amazing.  And of course, I have become closer to my sister in law.  And last, but not least my four little, some not so little, nephews.  I love those little guys more than life itself.  I love when they see me how they come running up to hug and kiss me.  Those are moments worth living for.  And, no, I did not forget "the cousins".  I love you all.

I am also thankful for my in laws.  Chris's grandmother is not my grandmother in law, she is my grandmother.  I have become so close to her in the past year, it is as if I have known her all my life.  I also gained a brother, Chris's older brother.  I can't leave out his many aunts, uncles, and cousins.  They still treat me as if Chris were still here with me.  To them, I am still a member of their family and not just by name.  They are such wonderful, loving people.  I am honored to have the Cser last name.

Lastly, I am thankful for the time that I had with Chris.  While our relationship may not have been perfect.  We were a typical couple.  We loved each other with every ounce our our being.  We may not have been perfect, but we were perfect for each other.  Not a day or moment goes by that I don't think about him.  I actually do have days now where I can remember him and smile.  But, I still have more days where I'm sad when I remember him and think of the "what ifs".  I try my best to only remember the good.  But, occasionally I am reminded of that fateful night that we were separated and my heart breaks again.  At the end of each day, I am thankful that I met him.  And I am even more thankful that he chose me to be his wife.  I would not trade my time with him for anything in the world.  I cherish my memories of him because that is all that I have.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sweetart candy canes

Sweetarts were Chris's favorite candy; definitely not the chewy ones though, he hated those ones.  So, when I was doing my Christmas shopping at Toys R Us last year, I came across Sweetart candy canes.  I bought some for Chris to put on the tree.  Needless to say, he loved them.  He loved them so much that when I went to Toys R Us on December 8, 2009, they had one box left and I bought them for him because there weren't too many left on the tree (no big surprise).  I remember that one of the candy canes was broken, probably why it was still in the store.  Chris of course didn't care and it was his excuse to eat it right away.  When I was home during my lunch hour today, I saw the candy canes hanging on our fruit basket thing in the kitchen and I couldn't help but smile.  I can't bring myself to throw them away.  Those candy canes were the last thing that I ever bought him.  Not something cool like one of his tools, or his guitar.  Or even that RC car that he wanted.  But, a box of candy canes.  At least the last thing that I bought him wasn't saved for Christmas and I know that he really liked them.  I'm smiling remembering how he was like a kid with his sweetart candy canes.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Day 2

The second day without sleep.  Well, that's not totally accurate.  I did manage to sleep for an hour, then later I got two hours of sleep.  Yet, I feel as if I slept a full 8 hours and I'm not in the least bit tired.  There is definitely an upside to not sleeping, I don't have the nightmares.  No waking up screaming in the middle of the night, no turning on the light because I'm so terrified.  Yes, I admit it, I wake up terrified of the dark.  That is a feeling that I haven't experienced since I was a child.  I now know that monsters do exist.  Not the same monsters that I imagined when I was a child, but there are monsters in this world and I have become that scared little girl, terrified of the dark.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Meds

Well, my doctor finally changed my meds.  Some good, and some not so good.  I was almost going to ask if she'd put me back on something that will jump start weight loss.  I didn't have to ask, she went ahead and put me on it.  However, it will put some other plans that I had on hold.  But, I discussed that with her and I'm fine with it.  The bad is that she took me off my night meds.  Last night was the first night without them.  I got zero sleep.  I suspect that I won't sleep again tonight either.  It's not that I'm dependant on the meds to sleep, it's that before I even took them I would stay awake for at least 48 hours at a time, crash, stay awake 48 hours, crash, etc.  I'm hoping that last night was just a fluke because I'm actually fine without the sleep because I'm tired, but not exhausted.  You can't tell that I didn't get any sleep, unless I stop and put my head down.  But, it's the headache that comes with the lack of sleep that I despise.  I haven't had a headache this bad in a long, long time.  Let's hope that I get some sleep tonight.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What Hasn't Changed

There is one thing that hasn't changed about me since Chris passed away: my intolerance for liars.  I remember so many things, little incidental things that people say.  And when I'm being lied to, that little radar in my brain starts going off and those incidental things are remembered like it was said yesterday.  I don't normally call anyone out about the lies.  But, I will never trust anything that they say either.  I can't say that I'm perfect.  However, I really try not to lie at all.  I will never forget the one time when I was seven years old and I was caught in a lie.  I lied to my mom.  I was caught and I learned to never lie again.  Funny, I didn't even get punished for the lie; it was the shame of being caught.  So, I really try my best not to lie because I firmly believe that when you lie, you get caught.  And when you get caught, there is so much shame.  (Although, I guess that most liars don't have a conscience and don't get shamed by being caught in a lie.)  Besides, lies tend to get stacked up and you have to remember exactly what you said and who you said it to.  But, the truth never changes!

Another thing that hasn't changed is my heart.  Yes, it may have been tarnished, broken, and beaten.  But, it's still there and it's still big enough to care about people, especially people in need.  I really wish that I didn't have to be this way because all it does is make me more vulnerable to being taken advantage of.  Especially since I'm still grieving Chris and can't see clearly.  I do like that I care and want to help people, yet I sometimes trust the wrong people and open myself up to being vulnerable.  You would think that with all the anger that I have felt, I would have hardened my heart up.  But, no.  Right now, my heart is filled with sorrow.  I can't say why I still have this need and desire to help people, but I think that the reason behind it has changed.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

  1. The widow will make you an offer for something, or ask you to do something for her.
  2. You accept the offer or agree to the task.
  3. Be friendly to her at all times.
  4. Start lying to her.  Little lies at first, save the big ones for when it's necessary.
  5. Pretend to be grateful and remind her that she is the only one that can help you or that can help her.
  6. You slowly test what the limits are that you can get away with.
  7. Even though you may have a verbal/written contract, decide not to abide by those "rules and regulations" or the contract in general.  Just start ignorning the small ones, do them one by one, until you work up to the big ones.
  8. Continue to push the boundaries.
  9. Slowly ignore the widows feelings and wishes.
  10. When the widow questions something, make it out to be a small or even a non-issue.  It helps if you are a good liar. 
  11. Keep doing what the widow considers an "issue", but be very sly about it so that the widow will not notice.  (This can be tricky as the widow might actually have friends that will know the entire situation and see that the "issue" is continuing, just behind her back.)
  12. When the widow finally realizes that she is being taken advantage of, give her a guilt trip.  Turn it all back on her that what she is doing is wrong.  Even if it is something big like she wants her life back, it is wrong, wrong, wrong.  Just make sure that when you do this guilt trip, you seem indispensible, as if she is the only one that can help you or you are the only one that can help her. 
  13. Do not ever get hostile with the widow; and never, never show anger towards her.  This will only work against you.  You always need to seem like you need help and she is the only one that can help you, or that you are the only one that can help her.
  14. Lastly, keep track of the lies that you tell.  This is extremely important because she might actually remember one of the lies that you have told and then start to question everything you have said.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Rings

I still wear my wedding ring.  I have no desire to remove it, I am still married to Chris (despite what some heartless people want to say); in my heart and in the eyes of God, we are still married.  I used to wear his ring around a necklace, but the chain broke and I now wear it on my right hand.  I feel an obligation to him to wear his ring and never remove it.  Chris never took his ring off, it was a symbol of our love and he loved me as much as I loved him.  (I am sure of that!)  Yet, it bothers me that it is now on my hand and not on his.  I bothers so much that because some monster murdered him, a pathologist removed his ring and I was handed his ring in a bag.  I still cry when I think about his ring being handed to me in that bag.  That was the first moment that I felt that he was gone, and that it wasn't a mistake.  I knew that it was real because Chris would have never removed his ring himself. 

I should not be the one to wear his ring, he should be wearing it!  I am so angry about that.  I really hate that this ring is not on his left hand.  Every time that I look at it, I am reminded that he is not here to wear it.  I am reminded that a monster once lived near me.  I am reminded of how horrifically Chris left this world.  I want nothing more than to put this ring on his finger and be with him again.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Two Is Better Than One

No words today.  A message just for Chris, just the way he would give it to me.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Nothing

My heart is still filled with nothing.  The hate that I used to feel has dissipated, it's not gone but it's days of tarnishing my heart are over. The love that I felt for Chris is so deep down that it is being hidden behind all the sorrow and grief.  I feel like nothing and nobody today.  All that I want to do is crawl under my covers and disappear forever.  Well, there's always the weekend for that.  It seems that these days I only look forward to the weekends so that I can disappear.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Put a Fork In Me...

I'm done.  I can't do this anymore.  I'm tired of not being able to sleep.  I'm tired of crying every single moment that I'm alone.  I'm tired of being lonely.  I'm just tired.  This life sucks.  I so badly want this to be a dream and I want to wake up right now.

I'm tired of being OK one moment and feeling at my worst the very next moment.  I just can't handle this.  I'm not strong.  Those that think that I am just aren't seeing me.  I have moments when I think, yeah, I am strong, I can do this.  But, the reality is it's my medications that make it seem as if I can survive this.  I am not that strong.  I'm just ready to have my nightmare end.

Monday, November 8, 2010

11 Months

So, I'm on 11 months now.  I told Father K Saturday that I was "coping" and "learning to accept".  Yet, I had few tears.  Just two days later and I can barely function.  I was working in an area where I was all alone.  Just me and my iPod, listening to music that meant something to both me and Chris.  I had a complete meltdown.  I was crying so hard, I couldn't even breathe.  I miss him, I don't want to live without him.  Unless you have lost someone such as a spouse, you will not know how it feels.  There is a complete void; not just in your heart, but in your soul and in your life.  It seems like everything will bring either a memory or sadness because he will never experience it.  I just don't see what the point to life is.  Can someone please tell me?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Less Anger and More Acceptance

I went to church tonight at Chris's cousin's church.  I've had to call Father K in the past because of all the anger that I felt.  He has been such a tremendous help to me.  I was happy to tell him that I am feeling less anger these days.  It still creeps up, but for the most part, I'm doing better.  I'm accepting things and that there is nothing that I can do about it.  I still would like to know why, but I know that the monster that did this will never say why, I mean he can't even own up to what he did.  Yet, I suspect that there is one person that knows why he did it.  I am positively convinced that he told her that he did it and I'm also convinced that he told her why.  Regardless, whatever the reason, it was senseless.  I'm also convinced that Shannon Holmes is a psychopath.  (I'll write about that another day.)  But, at the end of the day, I feel less and less anger.  I can't change what has happened.  No matter how much I pray that the past will change, it is done.  So, I'm working on accepting it and every step of acceptance I make, I feel less anger.  That does not mean that I will forgive that monster, but it means that I can forget about him. 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

He Actually Loved ME

I read something today and it really got me thinking.  Chris was a wonderful, wonderful person and he loved ME!!  I was the one that he married, nobody else.  I was the one that he wanted to stop drinking for, nobody else!!!  And that, I have recorded on my phone.  He told me that he wanted to stop drinking for me.  He said that he was afraid to lose me and he knew that his drinking was pushing me away.  He told me that everything that he did was for me (except the drinking.)  So, when I am having a bad day and think that I am invisible and alone, I will just remember that the greatest man that I have ever known loved me.  He loved me exactly the way that I was.  He loved me when I woke up in the morning, he loved me when I went to sleep at night.  He loved me when I looked like hell and he loved me when I looked my best.  He loved me when we fought, he loved me even more when we said sorry.  I could see the love in his eyes when he looked at me.  He never stopped loving me, his last words were "I love you," at least to me they were.  He really did love me unconditionally.  Sure, we had our moments where we were not so nice to each other.  But, at the end of the day, we loved each other even more.

So, when I am feeling down about myself, I think of this wonderful man that loved me for exactly who I am.  God, I miss him.  I know that he is waiting for me in the afterlife, whatever that may be.  I know that we will be reunited and it will seem like nothing has ever separated us.  I love you Chris, I will never stop loving you.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Day of the Dead

The day of the dead has many names: All Soul's Day, Día de los Muertos, Zaduszki, just to name a few.  Cultures all over the world celebrate November 2.  They honor those that have passed before them.  Chris and I celebrated November 2 for a different reason.  November 2, 2007 we vowed to dedicate our lives and our love to one another.  We vowed to love, honor and cherish each other until "death do us part".  I never really liked the last part, because we are soul mates and our love extends beyond death.  We are both Catholic and believe in an afterlife.  We believe that in the eyes of God, we are married for all of eternity.  Chris was my first true love.  I felt something special when I met him.  There was a spark inside my heart the moment he said "hello."  He will never be forgotten and my love for him will never cease nor wane.  Today is a day to celebrate, yet I spent it alone and in tears.  All day long I thought of all the things that we would be doing today if he were still here.  I do that often, "if he were still here..."  I hate that.  One more thing to add to my list of things that I hate.  Today, the void in my heart was especially noticeable.  Chris should have been here with me today, we should have celebrated our marriage.  I should not be mourning his passing.  I should not be here alone right now.  My life is filled with shoulds and woulds, and should nots and would nots.  I believe that Chris is here with me now, just in spirit.  But, that is not the way that it should be.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Terror and anxiety

I have been having the worst nightmares lately.  I have actually woken up screaming, and more than once.  I don't know why, at this point in my grief, the nightmares are so severe.  I am certainly "not over it"; but, I am dealing with this new life better now than before.  Maybe I'm starting to accept it and that is so terrifying for me.  But, the nightmares are so intense and so real.  I haven't been afraid of the dark since I was a child.  But, when I wake from these nightmares, I have to turn on a light.  I just don't understand it.

I made the appointment with the specialist today.  I can't get in to see him until over two weeks from now.  I'm already riddled with anxiety, and even though I know in my heart that it's going to be OK, I get more anxious every day.  I am being told that it's not a big deal, but I am terrified that I might have to have surgery.  Even if it's laser surgery, I'm terrified.  I'm even more terrified of the consequences of not addressing it.  So, I will have to learn to live with this new anxiety for a couple more weeks.  I mean, I've learned to live with all the grief and anxiety associated with losing Chris, this is nothing compared to that.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Bad News

I went to the doctor today and got some bad news (not life threatening, that would actually be good news), but it is certainly something that I fear I will have to address.  And it's one of my worst health fears too!!  All I want to do is have Chris hold me and tell me that it will be OK.  He is the only one that I want to talk to about it; he is the only one that I want to comfort me.  But thanks to a real life monster, I don't know if he can hear me when I talk to him about it.  But, no matter how much I talk to him, he will never again be able to comfort me.  Just one more thing that I feel so alone about.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Walking alone

I feel as if I'm making this lonely widow's walk alone. Nobody near me understands the pain that I am in. Nobody understands the ups and the downs. Nobody understands that this is not something that you "just get over".  Unfortunately the only ones that do understand are the ones who are walking the widow walk too. Yet it seems that right now those on this walk as well are actually doing well right now. I don't want to call them to say help me, because I don't want to bring them down.  So, for now, I am walking alone and I'm lost.  I don't know where I'm at and I don't know where I'm going.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Faucet

My bathroom faucet has been dripping for close to three months.  I finally decided to fix it today.  I proudly unscrewed the end and took it with me to the store to get replacement parts.  I wasn't sure if I needed a washer or the other part.  When the guy told me that the problem was actually in the faucet and started to explain how to fix it (meaning taking the entire faucet apart), I nearly cried on the spot.  Not because of the stupid faucet but because if Chris were here, it would have been fixed months ago, the first day that it started to drip.  He would have rode his bike up to the store, gotten the part and fixed it.  He would know what needed to be done.  Just one more reminder that he's gone and that I'm lost without him.  This stupid faucet has pushed me back at least a dozen steps.  How can he be gone? I know that I've survived this far, but how can I keep going?  Stupid faucet...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I Can't Believe It

I can't believe that I've survived this long without Chris.  It has been just over 10 months since that fateful night.  My anxiety has subsided, it still pops it's ugly head in to say hello every now and again.  But, certainly not like it used to.  I think that there are two things that have gotten me to this point.  The first is the obvious, seeing that Chris got justice.  For the longest time, when I wanted to end it all, I would say to myself, "just get through the trial."  And I managed to do that.  The second thing is my medications.  I know that I would be an absolute basketcase without them.  I still grieve, I still pray for death.  But, I manage to get myself out of bed every day.  Of course I still have the occasional day where I stay in bed until just before work.  But, the main thing is that I get out of bed everyday.  I can't say that I'm living my life to the fullest, because those days are behind me.  I still don't see the point in living without my beloved.  But, I tredge along and do some small things that bring a smidge of happiness to me.  The only thing that will bring true happiness is to have a family with Chris, and I'm thinking that it will never happen.  So, I have to make the best of my days, or aleast as best as I can make my days, until I can be reunited with Chris.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Why?

I find myself asking the question of why more often these days.  I ask God every night Why?  I ask Chris every day Why?  I want to know why this happened.  But, then again, if I knew why it wouldn't change anything.  It wouldn't magically transport me back to that fateful day.  Chris wouldn't suddenly appear and say that he's back.  But, I still want to know why this happened.  If it wasn't at the hands of another human, I might just say that it was his time.  But, it wasn't.  An actual living breathing so-called human intentionally did this, and all I am left with are questions.  What could one individual do to another that would be so bad as to inflict this kind of pain?  I doubt that I will ever have the answer.  But, I will not stop asking.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

UGH!!!

What a frustrating day...

I finally got the peg dope for the cello and the pegs still slip.  Not quite as bad, they are only slipping a note or two.  So I think it's about time to make a call to find out what else I can do.  Next, I finally decide to tune the new violin (I know, long enough right?  But, I've been playing my old one, which the tone is absolutely beautiful).  When I finally took out the violin, I discovered that it has steel strings!!!!  Which I absolutely abhor!  But, to my delight, it stayed in tune.  So, I will have to take another trip out to Shar's in Ann Arbor so that I can buy some strings.

While I wasn't really happy with the way the instruments are coming along, I started working out again today.  And it actually did put me in a good mood.  And with the good mood comes a smile or two.  Then out of the blue, Joe Friday decides to give me the third degree as to why I'm happy.  And each answer gets a "why?" response.  Now, I feel guilty because I actually am smiling for a change.  I just don't get it.  When I'm miserable, I'm told to cheer up.  When I'm happy, I'm questioned about it.  I guess that I should just stop doing anything that will bring me joy and then once again hide my misery.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Positive Thinking

It seems like everyone I know right now is thinking positively.  Whether it be daily affirmations or just an optimistic saying.  So, it's prompted me to give it a try as well and maybe it will brighten my mood.

  • I am be a better person because Chris was in my life.
  • I love better because I know what true love is.
  • I have become a stronger person because of what I have had to endure.
  • I feel such sorrow because I continue to love Chris with all my heart.
  • I smile and laugh because he loved to see me happy.
  • I honor his memory because every day I live for us both.
  • I cherish life because I know how quickly it can be taken away.
  • I should let go of the anger and bitterness because that is the woman that Chris fell in love with.
  • I can take better care of myself because that is the woman that Chris wanted me to be.
  • I continue to live because that is what Chris will want.
  • I will always love and honor Chris because he will always be a part of my heart.

Maybe if I say this daily, I will begin to believe it.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

A Letter to My Husband's Murderer

Dear Prisoner #345719,

I cannot and will not acknowledge you by name, I still do not think of you as anything but a monster.  Even the sight or sound of your given name sends shivers down my spine.  I do not think of you nearly as much as I used to.  You are merely a gnat that sometimes buzzes around my head, yet I just can't seem to get rid of you.  However, I still hate you and my heart has no room for forgiveness because there is too much grief and sorrow.  I feel that you will only confess your sin against Christopher when faced with death yourself.  I have been contacted by X, twice.  I will tell you that I only wish to hear from you, X, or anyone else associated with you if I am to be told why you killed Christopher.  Why can't you just be a man and admit to your crimes?  I can understand why you won't ask for forgiveness from me, but what of your family?  You do owe me and Christopher's family an explanation, a reason as to why you committed this heinous act against my beloved Christopher.  I had to kneel down by his side, helpless as I watched the life drain out of him.  He was the absolute only man that I have ever loved, and he will remain the only man that I will ever love for all of eternity.  You took him away from me, you took him away from his son, and you took his son away from me.  I am left with nothing but memories.  And because of you, I can't even say that all of those memories are wonderful.

I don't understand how a human being can inflict that much pain upon another human.  That is why I do not think that you are human at all.  I think that when you are on your death bed, you will confess your sin.  You will ask God for mercy for what you have done to his son, Christopher.  I know that you will never ask for forgiveness from me.  Which is actually a good thing, because I am not ready to forgive you, and I will not ever forgive you.  Instead, I have cast you from my mind with the occasional remembrance.  You may have fooled your family and friends, but I see right through you to your very core.  I have seen first hand the evil that resides in you.  I can see the demon in your eyes. Yes, this letter is written with hate in my heart.  But, I ask you that if anyone had committed such a heinous crime against you, would you be kind or freely offer your forgiveness?  I still love Christopher, I will never stop loving him.  I will always remember him fondly.  If I had one wish for you it would be that you live a long, miserable life alone.  I would wish that every single person that you ever loved forget about you and only those that despise you remember you.

Forever,
The lonely widow

Friday, October 8, 2010

Tears

I really would like to know why when I am crying the majority of people say "don't cry, you're going to make me cry too."  Even my male friends say that.  Why not let me cry?  So, I guess that these people's comfort level is much more important than my pain?  Tears are something that will help alleviate the pain.  They are a release for me.  They represent my sorrow.  Sure, there are many times that I have been able to abstain from crying, because apparently my tears make others uncomfortable.  So, when I'm at my worst, am I supposed to constantly suck it up so that other people are not uncomfortable?  I do try to cry in private, too many people think that I am strong even when I am not even close to being strong.  But, there are times when I need to cry, no matter where I'm at or what I'm doing.  I guess that I'm being selfish when I cry.  I actually said to one of the perpetrators "well, when you experience even half the loss that I did, I'll bet that will have a hard time holding back the tears.  Yet, I will still be here for you to cry on my shoulder."  Holding back the tears is something that I have been a master at for the most part.  Yet, there are days when I can hold back no more.  I need to let them flow freely, and shame on anyone that tells me to surpress them.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

A bleak day

I really don't have much to say today.  It's been a very bleak day.  Yet, the sun continued to shine outside, the temperature was perfect, and it seemed everything outside my little world was perfect.  So, I closed my blinds and just zoned out on the couch because my mood was so very dark today.  I want this day to be over.  I want this pain to be over.  I somehow think that if I fall asleep, the pain will go away.  But, I know in my heart that when I wake in the morning, the pain will still be here.  All that I can hope for is that it isn't as intense as it has been the last 18 hours.

I'm trying to move forward, but it's the little things that hit you and knock you off your feet, unable to move and function.  Yet, I continue to try, but every step of the way I continue to ask myself "what for?"

Progress?

Have I been making progress?  I finally canceled his cell phone tonight.  I feel like it was one step forward.  Yet I'm in tears and the pain is so intense.  I feel like I just fell a dozen steps backward.  Why does it hurt so badly?  Well, I know why it hurts so badly.  It's one more step to the realization that he is not coming home.  I don't necessarily call that progress.  It sucks.  Now, if I call his phone number a stranger will answer.  I know that Chris will never answer the phone again, but I suppose that I never wanted to admit that. 

This is just the latest thing that has me asking 'why'?  Why did my beloved Christopher have to lose his life?  I know that he is here with me in spirit, but I am not strong enough to get through this.  All that I want is to have Chris back, all I need is him.  I don't know how I can continue to live without him.  This was just one more thing that has me going both forward and backward at the same time.  Nobody ever said that grief was simple.  I hate it, I hate this new life that I am being forced to live.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Breathe

Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me

Chris was always there to lend his shoulder.  No matter what happened, he was my rock.  Now, I'm alone.  I don't have those shoulders anymore, the time in my life that I need him the most, he's not here.  I feel so alone.  I'm not even sure if I want anyone else's shoulders.  I so desperately need someone to lean on, but the one person that I want is not here.  And if he were here, I wouldn't need to lean on him so badly.  My life was complete with Chris in it.  Now, I'm just a shell of a person.  I have to learn exactly how to become whole again.  I have to learn how to live with the hole in my heart.  My heart is broken, I am broken.  I suppose the day that I am reunited with Chris will be the day that I am complete again.

There are so many more lyrics to this song that I can relate to.  But, right now, what I need is Chris.  And that is the one thing that I will never have again.  I have tried to live my life, I have tried to put this in the past.  But, every night when I climb into bed, I am reminded of the nightmare that happened.  Every day on my drive home from work, I want him to call.  I want him to call and tell me that he's OK.  I am trying my best to live my life free from the pain.  But, it's so hard when I feel so alone and that there aren't any shoulders for me to cry on. 

Monday, October 4, 2010

A Battle Within

There is no moving on.  There is no getting over it.  There isn't even a getting by it.  I am learning.  I am learning to deal with this nightmare that I must now call my life.  There is this struggle going on within me.  It is a battle between my grief, my anger and my true self.  Some days the grief will win and I am thrown deep into depression.  Those days are the hardest because I just don't want to live to see the end, because it seems like it is never ending.  There are the days where the anger gains momentum.  I am transformed into an angry, hateful woman.  Then there are the days where my true self will tow ahead.  Those are also known as "good days."  I am able to function, I am able to actually say "I will survive this."  And most days, I actually believe it.   

I often wonder, where exactly is my life going?  Will the grief win?  Will I be plunged into a deep depression, so deep that as I try to crawl my way out, I just end up digging myself down deeper?  Or will my true self win?  Will I be able to live my life sans nightmares?  Or will the hate win?  Will I end up that old angry, resentful and bitter woman?

I do want my old self back.  But, I am afraid that she is gone forever.  People say that we cannot change, "A leopard cannot change it's spots."  But, we do in fact change.  We are molded everyday by our encounters.  Most encounters don't make an impact on us.  But, there are others that dramatically change who we are.  I liked the sweet caring person that I was.  But, the world has shown me too much.  My true identity has been tarnished and scarred.  I have been molded into a new person.  I don't like the person that I am today.  Chris would not like the person that I am today.  But, I do have days where my old self makes an appearance.  And I have hope that she is not gone forever.  But, it is the grief and the anger that I do not like.  I am constantly battling them both.  They may mold my shell into something harder, but let's hope that they decide to leave my core alone.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I Can't Wait

I can't wait to start playing my new cello.  I've reviewed the notes and I know that I'm going to have a hard time with the fingering since it's basically one note off from the violin. So, that's going to be a challenge for me to remember.  But, I'm stretching it out right now.  What a pain, I spent about a half hour trying to tune it.  I can hear it stretching while plucking it to tune it. And I can hear the peg slowly slip after too. I didn't think about getting some peg dope when I was out running around getting music and such.  I hope that I can find it at the local music store; but if I take the drive to Ann Arbor, I will be able to look through a more extensive music selection.  I know exactly what music I want to get, and I suppose that Ann Arbor will be the only place that will have it. 

I already know that the I'm going to run into a problem with the fingering.  But, I always love a good challenge.  This is the first thing since December that I've been looking forward to doing.  I think that music is so good for the soul and healing, and there is nothing else like making music.  At least this is something that I'm looking forward to doing, and it doesn't bring any tears.  Somehow, I'm not sad about Chris not hearing me play because I believe that he is always with me and he will hear me.  I just hope that he will be smiling down at me while I play.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Happiness


I have been waiting for today for well over a week.  Not today as in Wednesday, or as in September 29,2010.  But rather the day that my new cello and violin were delivered.  Music is something that often "soothes the soul".  There is something about classical music that I just love.  And I love making music even more than listening to it.  I have played the violin for over 30 years and I learned how to play the cello in high school.  I have played in several symphonies over the years (when I was younger) and have even played at Orchestra Hall.  So, today the FedEx man brought me a little slice of happiness to clear away the fog.  He brought my new instruments.  I can't wait until I can play them.  (I'm letting the strings stretch tonight.)  So, here are my new toys:


Monday, September 27, 2010

I Can't Believe That I Did It!

I had way too many soaps, shampoos, oils, salts, etc. in my bathroom.  So, I cleaned house, so to speak.  I got rid of all the old stuff, including Chris's stuff.  I didn't write about it when I did it, because I didn't want the world to know about it.  I feel like I've betrayed Chris by taking his personal things out of the bathtub.  I put some of it in a box for his son.  I can remember the time that we were getting ready to go visit my cousin and his son just had to use "some good smelling stuff" to impress my cousin.  (Yeah, he had a little crush on her.)  So naturally, I thought that he would want them.

Then I started thinking, this is the stuff that he should have now.  It won't be any good when he's older.  So, I went through the house and put some other things in boxes for him.  I decided that if Mary was willing to let me see his son for even just a few minutes, I would be able to give these things to him.  So, I put many Xbox games that they used to play in a box. Also, in the box went some small toys that they played with together.  I even bought him some new matchbox cars because I felt bad that his were ruined during the "incident".  I put Chris's TV aside, since the last time I spoke to him,  his son said that his TV wasn't working too well.  I also put aside his headphones and speakers for the TV. 

Chris made his son some toys and stuff for his matchbox cars.  He basically made a little city out of wood.  I thought that is something that his son would want and should have now.  There were other things that Chris made for him, and I thought that he would like them.  Little known fact, Chris had a coin collection.  I've always wanted his son to have it along with some very personal items from Chris.  I also made him a scrapbook of his father's life, and I really wanted him to have it.

I'm sure that it comes as no surprise to anyone reading this that I extended the olive branch to Mary, but she snapped it right out of my hand.  So, I put the box of Chris's things in the attic.  Where else am I going to put them?  I just haven't been able to look at anything without crying, still.  Every time that I got into the shower, I would smell his soaps and shampoos.  As far as the toys go, my nephews were over playing with them and asked for them.  I hesitantly gave them to my nephews; but really what do I need with them?  Just another reminder of my heartache. 

I also had my cousin's phone number to give to Mary's mother because Mary's brother is autistic and my cousin has a master's degree working with autistic children one on one.  My cousin's mother told me to have them get in touch with her and she would help them out.  But, alas, too much hate and selfishness is in the way.  (And yes, I see the irony, which is exactly why I offered the olive branch in the first place.  I'm done with being mad and hateful.)

I really shouldn't comment on the amount of respect that I have for Mary, or lack there of.  Ever since our first phone conversation, she did not like me.  What's so funny is that she tried to tell Chris how I was nasty to her when Chris heard my entire side of the conversation.  I don't think that she ever wanted Chris back, and if she did, he didn't want her (despite how hard she tried to convince me, I know EXACTLY how he felt about her and her mother right up to the night before he passed away). However, I just think that she hated him so much that she did not want him to be happy.  Her mother even tried to get me to not marry him (look at all that she would lose by losing Chris) by saying that Mary was going to go after me for child support.  HUH??  I guess that it helps when you have many friends that are lawyers.

As a matter of fact, we consulted two of those friend just months before he passed away.  We were looking at getting custody of his son and we were told to "document, document, document."  And oh boy, the things that little boy said about his mom, things that she did and things that she said, my favorite was when he got "sixty" mosquito bites because she took him to an "adult toy party".  Yep, we have it on tape, and many, many other accusations.  (CPS would have a field day with those videos!)

The truth is, I never really had much respect for her or her lifestyle.  She relies on us taxpayers for her income.  She does not work, and please do not say that she has a disability, because there are so many others with far worse disabilities that work.  She has a "bad back."  She has been attending school for the past, um, 4 years, for medical transcription or something similar (isn't that a six month program, or at the very most a two year degree?)  And please don't defend her by saying that she cannot work and go to school because she has two kids (only one is Chris's).  I know a woman that was divorced, has two kids and worked at Ford during the day.  At night, she attended law school and is now a lawyer.  But, that's right, you have to have some sort of ambition to work, go to school and have two kids.  I think that it's sad and pathetic when someone can bilk the system.  Just remember that someday, the system will catch up... I've learned that you don't mess with the government or it's money. Also, there's a little thing called Karma, and I for one, definitely won't mess with her.

Anyway, I have put his son's things in my attic.  I guess that selfish people are prone to only ever think of themselves, they can't even put the needs and wants of their children before their wants and needs.  She does not care about her son.  She made that abundantly clear when I tried to teach his son how to read.  She had a conniption fit, even went so far as to say that the son's teacher said that he does not need to read at home.  The poor boy was a year behind in school, a fact that Chris actually was ashamed of, because she kept him out.  I heard her give at least four different reasons why.  And each one was poppycock and it was a direct result of her motherhood skills. 

Chris's son is the one that is going to suffer.  I have heard it from a member of Chris's family that his son asks to visit our house, and has said that he was happy there.  Why wouldn't he be?  That was basically the only place, with a rare exception, that he visited with his dad when Chris was sober.  So, the claim that our house wasn't a happy place is once again poppycock.  I have never, and will never, say anything negative about his mother to him.  As a matter of fact, I got on Chris's case when he "talked smack" about Mary to his son.  So, the selfish mother will prevail and deprive her son of his father's memories.  There's not much more that I can do.  I've heard all the excuses in the world.  But, the only one that had a ring of truth to it is that she just wants to hurt me.  And I won't deny that it stings, but ultimately, it is his son that will suffer.  So be it, I've done all that I can.  So, my memories of his son are now locked away in my attic.  And if the day comes where his son seeks me out, I may be able to get the boxes of memories out of the attic.  I will also be sure to pull out all the emails that his mother and I exchanged and let him decide why he never get his father's things before.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Just 6 hours

I'm so glad that in 6 hours the weekend will be here.  I'm so exhausted today.  I could not sleep last night, at all.  I really wish that I could find some peace at night.  I want the nightmares to end.  I want this nightmare to end! I do have a few nights where I sleep through the night, and that is mostly on weekends when I know that I can sleep in.  So, I sleep out of exhaustion.  I could handle sleepless nights, if it weren't for the God awful nightmares. If Chris was here, he would console me. But then again, if Chris was here, I wouldn't be having those nightmares.  I don't really know why I'm looking forward to the weekend other than catching up on my sleep.  There's not much in my life that is worth looking forward to these days, except for the occasional blip, because what I'm really looking forward to is the day that I'm called upon to join Chris. 

3am again

It's 3am and I'm awake. Again. It's usually because I can't fall asleep or I have and have nightmares. This is a nightmare night. The third time this week that I've woken myself up from a horrifying nightmare. I never know how they end. Yet, they are always the same and I am pretty sure that I know how they all end.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I dedicate these songs to...

I just love how some song lyrics can perfectly convey your thoughts.  For the first time, I am posting songs and NOT dedicating them to Chris.  I won't say who I'm dedicating these to, but I think they will know....





I Wish

I wish that things were different.  I wish that this blog was dedicated to the happy life that Chris and I were living.  That I would be writing about his son, our child, and us.  And the happy family life that we share.  But, we will never be a family again.

I wish that I would be writing about happiness, smiles and joy instead of anger, sorrow and hate.  We were a typical couple.  We laughed, we cried, and yes we argued.  But, most of all, we loved each other.  Through thick and thin, at the end of the day, we were together and we loved each other. I wish that I could write about the love that we continue to share.  But, I can't.

I wish that I could write about teaching Chris Polish and how we were preparing for our big trip to Poland.  He promised to take me.  I once tried to teach him Polish.  He made it through the very first page of the book, which was basically "hello, how are you, what's new?  Goodbye." ("dzień dobry,  jak się masz, co słychać, do widzenia").  After that, he said that he would let me do all of the talking.  I would love to be able to write about how he was progressing with his Polish.  But, his Polish will never progress beyond that first page.

I wish that I would be writing about Chris teaching me to sing and play the guitar.  Chris had a phenomenal voice and I bought him his guitar for Christmas a couple years back.  To hear him sing, was like hearing the angels sing.  I didn't get to hear him play the guitar too much.  But, I always wanted him to teach me.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could be writing about what a great teacher he is?  But, I can't even touch his guitar.

I wish that I would be documenting my pregnancy here.  We were trying so hard to have a family.  We wanted nothing more than to have a child together.  I wish that I could be writing about the excitement that he felt at having a child.  I remember how excited he was the very first time that I said "I'm pregnant."  I wish that I could experience that and write about it here.  But, we will never have a child together.

I wish that I could write about getting custody of his son.  Chris had consulted two seperate attorneys about getting custody and took their advice about documenting things.  But, we decided to wait until April and then we would retain the lawyer that helped my brother gain custody of his son.  I wish that I could be writing about having his son at our house every day.  But, I am not even permitted to see his son.

I wish that this blog was a happy blog.  But, I'm not happy and neither is my writing.  When the occasional thing happens that I'm happy, I am reminded of the immense hole in my heart.  I wonder, when is my happiness going to be ripped away from me?  I wonder how can I be happy when this world is so incredibly cruel?  The true reality is that no matter how much I wish and pray, I can never go back.  I will never write about the happy things that Chris and I should be doing.  But, Chris is gone, and a huge piece of me left that day as well.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Time Won't Let Me Go

I know that I've said it before, and I'll continue to say it.  I wish that I could go back to that fateful day and change the outcome.  I pray everynight to have Chris back.  I hate the fact that time keeps going forward, it never pauses, it never rewinds.  I wish so badly that this never happened, I do ask every day "why?"   But, I already have come to the conclusion that I will never know why, and I will never be able to go back and change the outcome....

"If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go"


Monday, September 20, 2010

Ok Go

I just saw this video and I know that Chris would have loved it.  He wanted to be a Vet Tech, he just loved animals so much.  This one is for you Kochanie!  Kocham cię bardzo kochanie, zawsze i na zawsze!


Sunday, September 19, 2010

3am

It's 3am and of course I'm wide awake. I have my damp pillow from the tears. I have my wastebasket filled with tissue. My eyes are red and swollen. I feel sick. My entire body aches. I am so nauseated. I miss Chris. Just an ordinary night/morning. 3am comes every morning, and the only thing different about this 3am is that I'm writing about it. This life sucks! I want my life back! I want Chris back! Maybe with him beside me, I could finally get some sleep.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Am I Asking For Too Much?

Of course all I really want is to have Chris back beside me.  I really am attempting to grasp the reality that my wish will never come true, no matter how many birthday candles I blow out or stars that I wish upon.  So, if I can't have that can I at least have one day, ONE DAY, where I don't cry when I remember a good memory.  One day where I don't want to sleep the day away.  One day where I can sleep more than 2 hours uninterrupted.  One day where I don't feel sluggish when I wake up.  One day where I feel motivated enough to go to the gym.  Or even one day where I don't eat my emotions away.  Sure, I've had one of those days, but can't I have two of those days in one?   I'm so tired, AGAIN. 

I know that what I want, I will never have again.  But, is it too much to ask for just one day of peace? 

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Finding Peace

I used to like roller coasters when I was younger.  However, when it's your emotions going for the ride, not so much!  It's is the most minor things that can set me off.  I felt as if I had made some progress in my grief, hate, and forgiveness.  But, as those who have been in my shoes know, you take one step forward and one huge step back.  I was finally at a point where I could release some of this negativity, but then it just creeps up on me to overtake any progress that I have made.  I find it so very hard to purge this hate when there is so much that is being said about me.  While I am certainly for everyone being able to say their peace, there is a fine line when what you have to say is nothing but lies.  There are a few people in particular that I actually felt sympathy for, but as I stated before, I have since learned that they do not warrant my sympathy.  While I have been able to release the hate that is festering within me, it is slowly coming back.  Hate begets hate.  I was told to forgive and release the hate that I feel.  And I was able to do just that.  However, it is so difficult when the hate is being slung at me.  I'm not asking anyone to like me, however, there comes a point where you have to believe that it was proven who committed this ghastly crime against my husband.  And I suppose that if I have to be the scapegoat for it, I will.  I actually should be flattered when they say that the clothes were mine and I walked over there and planted the evidence.  I should be flattered because I haven't been able to fit into a size 32 since I was about 25!!  I can also understand that they don't want to believe that their loved one did this.  I know that if the tables were turned, I would definitely not want to believe that one of my loved ones did this, and yet when you google any one of the members of my family, there are no negative stories about them.  And certainly not any stories about them connected with a murder.  (As a matter of fact, I'm sure that if you google my older brother you'll see what an amazing and intelligent scientist that he is.)  But, the reality is a jury of Shannon Holmes peers found him guilty.  Until his family can accept that he indeed murdered and tortured my husband, they will never find any peace.  And quite frankly, I really don't care if they do or don't.  I have made my peace with the one person that reached out to me, and I'm alright with just that for now.  I will have to learn to release the rest of this anger and hate that I have despite the mud that is being slung in my face.  I know what the truth is, and I am finding some peace with it.  I don't need to defend myself because I know what the truth is and anyone that matters to me knows what the truth is as well.  What is being said is all smoke and mirrors trying to deflect from the reality that Shannon Holmes is a cold blooded murderer that will never see freedom again.  I will never be happy or overjoyed with that, but I am relieved.  And I have begun to find some peace with my new life and I will continue to do so.

I Just Can't Catch a Break

I actually managed to fall asleep fairly quickly last night.  Of course I had to double up on my meds.  But, then a friend in Vegas texted me and woke me up.  Which really wasn't a problem, except I was so tired that I couldn't text, good thing for auto correct!  Then after I fell back asleep, the storm woke me up.  That was pretty odd because storms don't bother me, as a matter of fact, I sleep better when it storms.  Add that to the extra medication and I should have slept without interruption.  But alas no, I just can't catch a break. 

Surprisingly, I'm not that tired.  And I am already prepared for another night of staying awake.  Too bad I have a housemate now, because I should be productive when I can't sleep.  One of Chris's biggest complaints about me was that I wanted to clean late at night when he wanted to sleep.  There is so much that I need and want to do around the house that I won't do when I can't sleep because I don't want to wake KB up.  (And for the record KB is a wonderful person and someone that I don't mind sharing my house with.)  And when I finally do get up in the morning to let the dogs out, I'm so tired that I'm useless.  I get ambitious when I'm at work.  Thank goodness for that, at least I can stay awake and not get hurt.

But, there is no safety from the waves of grief.  One small thing, a song, a picture, anything can set it off.  It does not matter where I am at or what I am doing, when it comes around it has to have center stage.  All that I want is to wake up from this nightmare and have Chris back.  Only then can my life be better.  I know that I want the impossible, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Who?

Who do I call when I'm desperate?  Who do I choose to "bother" with my problems when I feel like I can't take it anymore?  There have been so many times that I've needed someone to talk to, but I won't pick up the phone and call because I don't want to bother them.  Besides, if I hear that I need to get over it or move on one more time, I'm really going to lose it!!!!  I just can't take this anymore.  I'm not strong, I don't have it in me to get through this.  The absolute one person in the world that I want to share my life with is gone and all I can think about anymore is joining him. 

I'm tired.  I'm back to the insomnia.  I'm sickened by this world.  I just don't want to be in it anymore.  There is just too much negativity and ugliness in this world for me to bear.  I can't do this anymore, nor do I want to do it anymore.  How can I stand alone in this cruel world anymore?  I want the closeness that I shared with Chris again, but I only want it with Chris.  So, who really cares anyway?

Secrets

I have serious insomnia that medication cannot cure. When I lie awake in bed, my mind cannot stop thinking of Chris, what happened to him, and what I am going to do.

I still cry over Chris. I cry almost every night, still.

I really miss my stepson. I miss our Friday night dinners. I miss his laughter, his smile around the house. I feel like my heart has been ripped out again because I'm not permitted to see him.

I loathe the woman that I have become. My heart is filled with hate and it's just plain ugly. Thanks to Shannon Holmes, I am an ugly hateful woman.

I really miss the closeness that I shared with Chris.  I miss the intimacy.  I miss his kiss, his touch, and his love.

I do not want to live another day. I still pray that I will not wake up in the morning every single night.

I am giving suicide some serious consideration. But, I'm too scared of being separated from Chris for all of eternity to act on it.

I hate what has become of my life. As each day passes, I begin to accept this harsh reality. Yet, I still wait for Chris to come home. And the realization that he's not coming home makes my heart ache even more.

I often wonder what exactly did I do that was horrible enough for God or karma to give me this ghastly life that I now must take ownership of.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Work

I really wish that I had stayed home from work again tonight.  Last night, I really didn't feel good and stayed home.  A friend came over and helped pick me up.  I feel blessed to have some of the people in my life that I have.  However, I am on that slippery downward slope right now.  It's not fun.  I can't even say that I'm on a rollercoaster ride because I like rollercoasters, and I do not like this.  I used to think that work was a "safe" place for me.  A place where I could escape and not necessarily think about this nightmare that has become my life.  But since last week and "the questions", I don't feel safe here anymore.  I dread coming in.  I never really loved my job, but at times I enjoyed it.  There are so many great guys that I work with that have been so wonderful since this happened.  However, one person spoiled that all for me.  I hate it here now.  I feel worse today than I did yesterday.  But, I can't leave.  I'm stuck.  I hate this.  Back to the hate I guess...

New Discovery

I've taken a few days off from writing.  I've reverted backwards.  I'm back to that dark place that I thought was gone.  I'm free of most of the anger and hate.  I don't notice the killer's house when I drive down the street.  I actually don't think about him hardly at all anymore.  However, I can't get past the immense sense of loss that I still feel.  I'm tired, I'm not sleeping.  But, I am so very thankful that I have so many wonderful people in my life that have been holding me up and letting me lean on them.  Yesterday, I was able to put it all aside and actually laugh without guilt.  And I was introduced to some new music,and when I watched the video, I actually felt better.  I thought that this is something that Chris would have totally loved.  It wasn't his normal type of music, but I know that if he saw the video, it would have become one of his favorites.  So, I thought that I'd share the video and hopefully, he can see it too.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Just For Me

Today, I treated myself to an hour long massage.  It was just supposed to be a half hour, and I kept thinking "this is one long hour."  But, I certainly wasn't going to complain.  The massage therapist thought it was an hour instead of a half hour.  It was so wonderful.  I have been so stressed out the past 9 months, I certainly needed it.  I had just the upper body done.  However, I mentioned that lately, I've been having some lower back pains/spasms.  So, she said that she could tell and that maybe I would want to come in another time for a lower body to help it.  Of course, I made another appointment.  Sometimes, you just need to spoil yourself.  Besides, I used to work with the owner and I'm glad to give her my business.

I also decided that I have found a reason to start working out.  It's a personal reason, and I want to do it for nobody but myself.  Not for my health (with any luck, I'll have a heart attack and die on the spot), but I am told that it will help with the depression and grief.  So, I will go to the gym on Monday.  Besides, I have to cancel Chris's membership, something that I have avoided doing for the past 9 months. 

In my mind, there is the finality of what has happened when I cancel things that he had.  I still have his phone turned on.  Even though I know that he will never come back.  I feel like if I cancel his phone, gym membership, etc. that I am cancelling him.  If that makes any sense.  I feel like he is still around when his accounts are opened.  I finally contacted one of his doctors to tell her that his final bill will not be paid (I didn't like her anyway, and I'm not going to pay it.)  I guess that I just don't want to admit that he's gone and closing accounts and such is the beginning of that admission.  I hate it.  I hate this new life without him.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"Progress"

Yesterday, I reconnected with an old friend.  Back in the day, he was a punk rocker.  I sincerely believe that the universe, or God, makes things happen for us when we need them to happen.  Reconnecting with my friend was one of those things.  Things happen and friendships wane.  But, that doesn't mean that they are forgotten.  People just go their different ways and with luck, they will have the chance to reconnect someday.  He is helping me with my "issues".  If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you will know that I am having a hard time with anger, hate and forgiveness.  My friend, the awesome punk rocker, is now a minister and he is helping me with those issues.

I finally after almost 9 months hung the curtains in my living room (I don't think I'm going to repaint.)  So, it's a bit dark in there.  After awhile of sitting in the living room, he suggested that we go out and sit on the porch.  I didn't even think about my anxiety about sitting on the porch.  I just said "sure" and that was that.  Of course, I went to sit in my usual chair.  But, I ended up sitting in Chris's chair.  I am still shocked that I never even gave it a second thought.  I think it's because at that point in time, I needed to sit there with an old friend.  Call it what you will; it may be a small step, but it's a small step in the direction of progress.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Everyday

Everyday, I cry.
Everyday, I wish that this was just a dream.
Everyday, I ask God why.
Everyday, I miss him.
Everyday, I long to feel his touch.
Everyday, I need to feel his lips gently touching mine.
Everyday, I yearn to hear him whisper in my ear "I love you."
Everyday, I want him to hold me.
Everyday, I check his side of the bed only to find that he wasn't there.
Everyday, I wish that we could have our coffee together again.
Everyday, I tell the world to stop spinning.
Everyday, I yell that this is not real.
Everyday, I feel more despondent.
Everyday, I try to find a reason to live.
Everyday, I want my heart to stop beating.
Everyday, I think he's going to come home.
Everyday, I wonder why this happened to such a beautiful person.
Everyday, I can't sleep.
Everyday, I live in fear.
Everyday, is another day without him.
Everyday, I try to cope.
Everyday, brings another challenge.
Everyday, the hole in my heart becomes bigger.
Everyday, I try to convince the world that this didn't happen.
Everyday, I miss him even more than the day before.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Again...

Yesterday, I started out my day rather well.  Then I don't know what happened because I ended it crying myself to sleep...again.  Every time that it seems like things are getting better or at least easier to deal with, life slaps me in the face.  I just don't know what my purpose in life is anymore.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  When Chris was here, it was so easy.  I was supposed to be his wife, have his child and grow old with him.  Now that he is gone, what am I supposed to do?  I only wanted that life with him.  I would love to have a child, but I only wanted his child.  So, am I to die old and lonely?  I certainly hope not.  I'm not suicidal, but I just don't care anymore.  I really don't care what happens.

I am planning small things for the immediate future.  And of course I have my trip to Poland that I'm dreaming about.  But, is it enough?  Is it enough for me to keep waking up every morning?  I don't know.  So, here I sit pondering my future again.  I wish that I had a slight inkling of what my future holds.  Or to be more specific, what my purpose is.  I am struggling to figure this all out again.  I have always been the one with the answers, but I don't even have a clue right now.  So, I'll forge ahead for the time being and see where it takes me.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I Lauged today

A friend posted some pictures from elementary school the other day.  And today a few of us in the picture were reminiscing about the 3rd grade.  Then it came out about one of the kids standing up to the teacher.  At the time, we all were secretly cheering him on.  But, of course we kept our mouths shut because the teachers reaction was, well scary, very scary!  I remember the kid running into the bathroom after he told the teacher off and the teacher nearly leaping over desks.  When the boy just made it to the bathroom, the teacher grabbed him by the back of his collar.  He shook the boy and dragged him to the principals office.  I actually thought about this a few days before the picture was posted, I'm not sure what sparked the memory.  But, when we got to discussing it, I actually laughed.  I laughed hard and loudly.  I haven't laughed that much since before the incident.  And surprisingly, I still have the smile on my face.  It doesn't mean that I'm moving on, getting better (as if you can actually get better at grief), or getting over it.  It just means that I'm not allowing this grief to completely take over my life anymore.