Thursday, June 19, 2014


I had dinner last night with my widow friends. I don't know why, but I always specify that they are my widow friends. I do sometimes say that I'm hanging out with some old high school friends or work friends instead of just "friends". So, I guess that I just specify which "group" of friends I was with. But, these women are very special to me. One subject that was brought up was how several of our "group" have stopped coming. They have stopped for one reason or another.

It was interesting to me because I feel such a deep connection to these women that I just don't feel with any other group of friends. They know what I have experienced, they know what I have been through, they know the journey that I have taken and some know the journey that I have yet to take. I can't imagine leaving them. No matter where my life takes me, these are the women that I want by my side.

There is a core group of us, I'm more of a part-timer in this group because of different obligations with the kids. But, I really have made a connection with this group of women. I don't look at them as poor, sad, lonely widows. I look at them as strong, courageous friends. We manage to laugh and truly have a good time during our dinners, or whatever it may be that we choose to do.

When a new face comes into our group, we welcome him or her. We embrace her and let her know that she is one of us. We give her hope that life indeed can and will get better. I know that I was welcomed into this group with open arms. Everyone was so friendly, they let me cry when I needed to cry. They got me to laugh when I needed to laugh.

We have this connection that is a God awful reason to connect. But, through our tragedies and misfortunes, we have managed to bond, share our war stories and form life long friendships. I am so grateful for my friends. I don't know where I would be today without them. And I know that no matter where I am at in my journey through life, if I ever need them, they will be there for me.

Friday, May 30, 2014


I love this song. And every time that I hear the chorus, I can't help but think of one person....

Wow, I feel much better getting that off my chest!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Still Grieving

It's been over four years. Today the pain is immense. I can't tell you why because I just don't know. I've been thinking of him often lately. More often than normal that is. It hurts. My heart is swollen and I feel every heart beat like someone is hitting me in the chest with a hammer. I thought that I was over this stage of the grieving process. I thought that I had found some peace. Was it just for that moment that I was in a peaceful place?

I don't know.

I have come to terms with what has happened. I realize that he is gone and never coming back. I even have a sense of peace when I think about him. Almost as if I know that he's at peace. I feel that he's in a good place now. I'm just being selfish because I miss him and I want him here with me.

When I'm having a bad day, it's still Chris that I want to talk to. When I'm having a good day, it's still Chris that I want to share my good news with. One would think that after four years, I wouldn't feel this way any more. But, I can't help it. He still holds a huge piece of my heart. Even though my children occupy my heart, nobody will ever replace the hole that exists because he was taken from me.

So, four years and four months later, I'm still grieving for him. I still have panic attacks. Even in the middle of the night, I have panic attacks. I will never stop loving him, but when will this roller coaster of emotions and attacks end?