Thursday, August 22, 2013

Happy Birthday in Heaven

Happy birthday to my beloved. It's been four years since I've been able to actually speak those words to him. It's so hard to believe that just 4 years ago I had a surprise party for him. His cousin worked it out to take him bowling, while I pretended to go to work. His family and mine, as well as some of his friends, were waiting for him when he got home. He was surprised, but he later admitted that he was so worried that something had happened to me at work since he recognized some of the cars parked near our house.

That party is one of the few videos that I have of him. I bought him a video camera for his birthday and recorded him blowing out his candles. There are a few other videos that we took, but he deleted them for one reason or another; but most of the time, he was behind the camera. One thing that I am so sorry for is that I never got him playing his guitar on video. I have his guitar sitting in the living room, another present from me. I can still see him siting there on the sofa strumming away and saying "come here, listen to this!" with such excitement.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have used that present so much more. It collects dust, except for the rare occasion that I pull it out to record the kids. Hopefully today, I will make it to the cemetery, it's been ages since I've been there. Never did I imagine that we would celebrate his birthday with flowers at our grave site.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

1345

One thousand, three hundred forty five. That is a staggering number. But, that is the number of days since Chris was prematurely taken from us. I don't know why, but I'm absolutely amazed by that number. Sitting in the car on the way to my parents home after that fateful night, I didn't think that I would make it a week, or a month. I wondered how I was going to get through each day. Chris was my everything. After our second date, I knew that we were going to be together for the long haul. Then he moved in with me and I really could not see a future without him. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that our dream of growing old together would be quashed by this kind of tragedy.

For such a long time, I imagined the "what if's" on a daily basis. I can't tell you when that subsided. I used to beat myself up about it, day after day. Then one day, I didn't do it as much. The next thing I know, it's 1345 days since he was here with me, and I can't remember the last time that I wondered what would have happened if I came home from work early.

How does that happen? How does 1345 days just slip by so quickly that you are astounded by that number? I have this profound sadness overcoming me right now. How did I not notice that even a thousand days has passed? The hole in my heart seems to have ripped open again. How can a number have so much power over my emotions?