Monday, November 25, 2013

Reunions

I went to my class reunion this past weekend. I missed the last one because of two reasons. One was that I had gained so much weight, I was embarrassed and two, Chris couldn't go because of his drinking. I wanted to take Chris to show everyone that yes, I had become a cow. I went from skinny Minnie to Henrietta the Heifer. But, at least I had an incredibly handsome husband that truly loved me. I don't know why I cared so much what they thought of me. I didn't care so much in high school. Maybe because I fit in in high school and I didn't anymore.

This time, it was different. I didn't want to go for a different reason. A close friend had taken pictures of the house the day after Chris was murdered. I was horrified, pissed, saddened, you name it, any negative feeling that you can experience, I probably felt it. I couldn't even look at her any more. My brother asked her to leave the courtroom without speaking to me or my family and to never speak to us again.

Well some time later, a mutual friend got it in her head to bring us together. I agreed to the meeting, only because the mutual friend lived out of town and I really wanted to see her. So we met, the photographer hugged me and acted like I was the biggest asshole on the face of the earth. I couldn't believe it. How dare she! How dare she take the pictures without asking, without my permission, and then treat me like I'm the scum of the earth because I actually had the audacity to meet with her?!?!

I vowed as I walked out of that bowling alley that I would never be friends with her EVER!

And here we are, almost three years or so later. It's our 25th reunion. I didn't want to go because I had a really bad PTSD episode while driving and my son was in the car. Thankfully, we were only a few blocks from home, and he really can be the absolute kindest and sweetest kid there is. I didn't want to have an episode at the reunion. Sometimes when I see just her name on FB, it brings up memories and one thing leads to another and I can start to shake or whatever. I didn't want to have to deal with it if I saw her in person. I contacted one of the coordinators and she said that the "photographer" was a definite no for the reunion. So, I contemplated, and decided to go. Then I saw that the "photographer" started commenting more and more on posts on the Facebook reunion event. She even managed to tag me in a photo, not sure how since we certainly are not friend's on Facebook. I started to get worried, so my absolute closest friend from high school agreed to go to the reunion with me.

As soon as I walked in the door, the photographer was the first person that I saw. I quickly walked inside to check in. I was saying my hello's and it seemed as soon as my friend walked away, the "photographer" swooped in to say hello and tried to hug me. I almost froze. I ended up blocking the hug by putting my hands up and saying that I can't. She seemed mad and hurt. I thought "excuse me? You're the one that took these unauthorized pictures of my home. YOU are the one that has this sick fascination, no make that obsession with the macabre! YOU are the one that hurt ME and MY HUSBAND, not the other way around." You made your bed, now you must lie in it. I don't think that she realizes exactly how much this has hurt me.

Thankfully, my good friend from high school was with me. She saved me. She had a little talk with the "photographer" and hopefully, got her to understand my point of view of how what she did was wrong. Not just wrong but despicable! I really don't care what her excuse was or is, she was itching to get into my home the entire day. The moment I let her, she grabbed a camera. She never even asked if it was OK. Did she know that I would say no? I know for a fact that she is a sadomasochist. She's sick in the head. I have laid in bed wondering what has become of those pictures, who has she shown them to, or where have they ended up? I doubt that she went home Saturday and deleted the pictures. But, if nothing else came from their "private" conversation, at least the "photographer" should have enough sense to leave me alone now.

The other person that I need to address is the mutual friend. I'm thinking that this person really is not a friend to me at all because she obviously cannot respect my wishes to keep the status quo with the "photographer". I do not want to be friends with her. The "photographer" wants to be friends. I never asked the mutual friend to take sides, but all that I ask is for her to respect my wishes, just say "Hey, I'm not going to take sides. I'm not saying that you are right or that she is right. I am going to be friends with you and I am going to be friends with her. If you can't handle that, then I can't be friends with you." This is something that I have told my daughter to say to her friends when she is caught in the middle of feuding friends. I don't expect anyone to take sides. I just expect them to respect my wishes. I don't ever ask about her, I don't want to know about her. I don't even want to know that she exists. So please, maintain your relationship with her, just leave me out of it. If you continue to insist that we become friends again, you must not respect me nor my friendship and I will not continue my friendship with you. If you want to maintain our friendship, don't talk about me to her and please don't ever mention her name to me. If she ever asks about me, simply say, I'd rather not discuss that. You know I don't want to get involved. It's that easy.

I went to the reunion. I was surprised that I didn't get the "tell me about your husbands death!" nor did I get the pity looks. I loved that about my classmates. I actually had a wonderful time. One of the first times since Chris passed away, I had a truly wonderful time, and I wouldn't have had such a good time had it not been for one lovely friend, my BFF from HS!!! Love you girlie!!!!!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Children's Cooking Contest

I know that I have indeed taken a break from blogging about being a widow. And today, I am going to take a huge detour:

I have two wonderful kids. They have been through so much more in their short little lives than most people will have to endure in an entire lifetime. Just like they gave me a second chance at life, I have given them a chance to change their futures. They are awesome kids, and I want to show them that even though life can truly suck at times, there really are so many beautiful things that happen to make life worth living. Over the weekend, both of my children were entered into a cooking contest. I would welcome anyone to click on the links and vote for them. You can vote on each video once per 24 hour period. 



Thanks for any help that you can provide.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Remembering That Night

I'm having some difficulty with remembering that night. It's not that I can't remember, it's that it's still very vivid in my mind. I've been hearing a certain song lately. It's a song that has special meaning to me. Chris was pretty vocal, if you upset him, he let you know. If he had anything to say, he most definitely let you know! The only time that he ever was at a loss for words was when he upset me. And then, he would play and sing a certain song to me. Oh, he had such a beautiful voice too.

I'm not sure why this song has been playing a lot lately. I haven't been purposely playing it, it just comes on. And it seems to start playing when I'm feeling a bit blue. And as much as I hate to admit it, I sometimes place the blame on him because he was so friendly. He had to be friends with everyone. I try to blame him in that if he had never spoken with this monster, he would still be here with me today. But, I know that it wasn't his fault.

For some reason, I started having flashbacks of that night. It started one night while driving home from work and I seemed to be back to that night and on the phone with him. Every thought, feeling, and sensation was exactly the same as it was that night in December 2009. Well, everything was the same except for one feeling. This time, I had this feeling of dread at arriving home.

You see, back in 2009, I seriously thought, "How bad can it be, he called me, not 911" and I honestly thought that he was OK. Well, now I know how bad it was. My panic attacks have slowly started coming back. And when I think of how much I still love him, it hurts even more.

I will always love him. I will never forget him, but it hurts so badly when I think of him. I'm being selfish because I know that he's "in a better place" and does not have the worries that he had here on earth. I will never understand why this had to happen. I may not accept it and I may never find "peace" with it.  But, I will find peace in knowing that we loved each other very much and he will not only be remembered forever, he will always live in my heart.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Happy Birthday in Heaven

Happy birthday to my beloved. It's been four years since I've been able to actually speak those words to him. It's so hard to believe that just 4 years ago I had a surprise party for him. His cousin worked it out to take him bowling, while I pretended to go to work. His family and mine, as well as some of his friends, were waiting for him when he got home. He was surprised, but he later admitted that he was so worried that something had happened to me at work since he recognized some of the cars parked near our house.

That party is one of the few videos that I have of him. I bought him a video camera for his birthday and recorded him blowing out his candles. There are a few other videos that we took, but he deleted them for one reason or another; but most of the time, he was behind the camera. One thing that I am so sorry for is that I never got him playing his guitar on video. I have his guitar sitting in the living room, another present from me. I can still see him siting there on the sofa strumming away and saying "come here, listen to this!" with such excitement.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have used that present so much more. It collects dust, except for the rare occasion that I pull it out to record the kids. Hopefully today, I will make it to the cemetery, it's been ages since I've been there. Never did I imagine that we would celebrate his birthday with flowers at our grave site.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

1345

One thousand, three hundred forty five. That is a staggering number. But, that is the number of days since Chris was prematurely taken from us. I don't know why, but I'm absolutely amazed by that number. Sitting in the car on the way to my parents home after that fateful night, I didn't think that I would make it a week, or a month. I wondered how I was going to get through each day. Chris was my everything. After our second date, I knew that we were going to be together for the long haul. Then he moved in with me and I really could not see a future without him. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that our dream of growing old together would be quashed by this kind of tragedy.

For such a long time, I imagined the "what if's" on a daily basis. I can't tell you when that subsided. I used to beat myself up about it, day after day. Then one day, I didn't do it as much. The next thing I know, it's 1345 days since he was here with me, and I can't remember the last time that I wondered what would have happened if I came home from work early.

How does that happen? How does 1345 days just slip by so quickly that you are astounded by that number? I have this profound sadness overcoming me right now. How did I not notice that even a thousand days has passed? The hole in my heart seems to have ripped open again. How can a number have so much power over my emotions?

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Fading

The marks on my finger from the wedding ring are fading. His scent has long vanished from anywhere in the house. I am drawn to the cologne section at the store, only to be sampling his cologne just to remember exactly how he smelled. I don't quite know what I will do once it is no longer available. I have found myself staring at his picture because I don't want the memory of his beautiful face to fade as well.

Even though our dreams to become parents have come true for me, and I love my children with all my heart, I sometimes feel a bit of sadness when I think that Chris isn't here to raise them with me. They often ask about Chris, and have both taken our last name. They want to visit his grave and place flowers there to honor him. It's a shame that Chris was taken from this world too soon and that my children will never get to know what a wonderful father Chris would have been.

I know that my life would be so much different if Chris was here. I still wish everyday that Chris was here with me. But, then I look at my children and wonder where they would be. It's a shame that if I have one, I cannot have the other. However, sometimes, I think that Chris had a hand in my children coming into my life. He knew that there was a huge void in my heart. Although, nobody will ever replace that perfect spot that Chris held in my life, my children have certainly mended my heart back so that it is no longer broken.

My children and I will ensure that the memory of Christopher Cser will never fade from this earth. He was a wonderful man, husband, son, grandson, brother, and he would have been a wonderful father to my children.