Thursday, October 25, 2012

Feelings of Despair

I hate having an "off" day. I hate those feelings of despair. Especially when they come at those times where you were just feeling OK. Lately, I've been very content with my life. Dare I even say "happy"? I have two wonderful blessings in my life and they are my pride and joy. I have finally started living the life that I wanted to live with Chris. Yes, it's very hard to do this without him. Yes, I think of him often. But, more often than not, those memories bring more smiles than tears. I know that he is proud of me and proud of what I have accomplished thus far.

I am at a point in my life where I actually want to live each moment. I want to grow old to watch my children accomplish each and every one of their dreams. I wake up each morning thankful that I am on this earth for another day. I count my blessings and am grateful for each and every one.

Yet, something happened yesterday. I was in the car with my daughter when a song came on the radio. A song that always, always reminds me of Chris. I smiled through the song and fondly remembered him singing and "dancing" around on our first date. Later in the day, I was driving alone when I had this profound sadness. I thought at first it was because I was leaving my children at my parents for the night. Then I realized that it was this vast hole in my heart that will never heal. I am just a week away from the fifth wedding anniversary. I haven't had this empty, heart crushing despair in quite some time. I hate it. I think everyday that I want to live my life to the fullest and when I've finally accomplished everything that I am supposed to accomplish, I will be reunited with Chris. Yet, sometimes, there is this nagging feeling in my heart, this bone crushing feeling that something is wrong with my life and realizing that what is wrong is that Chris isn't here to share this wonderful life that I've been given.

I can only hope that after time, these feelings of despair will fade. However, I'm not going to hold my breath on it.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

It's Been Awhile

I know that it's been awhile since I sat down and wrote anything. It's not because I don't have anything to write, I have plenty to say, it's rather not having the time. I now have two wonderful, beautiful children in my home!! It's exhausting to say the least. I work full time, plus a little extra sometimes on the weekends. I admire those men and women that were parents at the time that they lose their spouses! Not only are you grieving, but you have to take care of the children, maintain the house, and take care of the children's grief as well.

I love these kids. Even though I loved Chris with all of my heart, I never knew that I could love another human like this again. Of course, it's a different kind of love. But, I would have done anything for Chris and I certainly would do anything for my children as well. I truly thought that my heart was broken beyond repair when Chris passed away. But, I have learned that the heart can heal. Yes, there are scars that occasionally cause immense pain. But, when I hear the laughter in my home, or see a smile on my kid's faces, the pain lessens.

Chris and I went to the courthouse and eloped. We had our reasons for rushing our wedding, so that is why we didn't marry in the church. It was very important for us to say our vows in church though. So, we made a promise to each other that on our fifth wedding anniversary, we would renew our vows in our church. In just over two weeks, it will be our fifth anniversary. I can't help but be sad and depressed. We will never get to say our vows in the church. This year will mark more anniversary's that we have been apart than we celebrated together. I'm not going to lie, it hurts.

Thank goodness I have my wonderful children in my life. They have been such a wonderful blessing. The only thing that would make my life even better right now is if Chris was at my side helping me raise our children.