Monday, August 20, 2012

Missing Chris

I woke up this morning missing Chris. He was the first thing on my mind this morning. You may not think that it is such a big deal, but it really is. While I still miss Chris nearly every moment of every day, I hate to say that he isn't always the first thing that I think of in the mornings anymore. I don't know if it's good or if it's bad. But, the past two morning's, he was the first thing on my mind.

I think that it has to do with a run-in with someone. This someone, as it turns out, is going through some stuff in her own life. I was warned, by many people to stay away from her; but, I have a very soft heart and didn't listen. She told some lies about me and someone that I care about deeply. When I confronted her with it, she got nasty and told more lies. I guess that some people don't understand that when you are caught in one lie, you can't be believed no matter what else you say and I dismissed anything else that she had to say.

So, it got me to thinking that maybe if Chris were here, this wouldn't have happened. She might have turned out to be a better person. Chris was such a loving, giving, and caring person that he couldn't help but affect those around him. I know that in the past, this person came to Chris and looked up to him. So, it gave me just one more reason to miss him.

I certainly didn't dwell on this. But, it really gave me pause to think about the impact that he had on other people's lives. And it made me miss him even more.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Faking it

I went through the greater part of this journey faking my happiness. I faked laughter when a coworker told a joke, I faked a smile when greeted in the morning. It was very easy to do too.

I just read an article about criminals faking mental illness and how it's really not that easy to fake. I will admit that it hit home for me. This monster that killed Chris, or perhaps his lawyer, decided that he was not mentally competent to stand trial. So, the trial was postponed to allow him to be examined. I really truly had mixed feelings about it. I initially thought that he was faking it. And then fear set in that he would be able to fool the doctors. Even despite my own doctor, that works for the state to examine mental competency, assuring me that it is not easy to fake, I was afraid.

Yet, I thought that if he was really, truly mentally ill, then he absolutely needed help. I almost wished that he was mentally ill because what he did was senseless and then I thought possibly, I would get some answers. But, alas he was found competent. As a matter of fact, they held the trial earlier than anticipated because the doctors declared him competent much earlier than they had anticipated.

I was relieved. He was going to stand trial and be held accountable for his actions. Yet, a part of me was very sad because I knew in that instant that I would never get my answers as to why this had to happen. I was also so very glad that he wasn't able to fool the doctors and get away with it.

So, here I am, two years after the trial has ended and after reading just one article, I feel as if it happened yesterday. I think that I'm getting really good at faking something else. And that's forgiveness. I don't forgive him for what he did, and I don't anticipate that I ever will. But, I can give the appearance that I do by locking him in the back of my mind and pretending that he doesn't exist. That's the best that I can do.