Thursday, June 28, 2012

Another Birthday

Well here it is. My third birthday without Chris. Surprisingly, I am doing well today. Great, in fact. The past two years, I was deeply depressed. I thought how can I be happy and enjoy my day without Chris? How could I celebrate another year without him?

Well, I don't know if it's having my daughter in my life, or that I am beginning to "heal", but I have been smiling all day. I don't expect anything from anyone, yet my co-workers have made me feel special today. One even bought me a beautiful and delicious cake!! (That I won't dare bring the rest of it home.)

So, I'm another year older and it's another year without Chris. Yet, I'm living my life and even though I still can't wait until the day that I am reunited with him, I am making a birthday wish of many, many more to come.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

International Widow's Day

Today, June 23, is International Widow's Day. It is a United Nations ratified day of action to address the “poverty and injustice faced by millions of widows and their dependents in many countries”. While I don't live in a country that shuns it's widows, or worse, and I have not suffered any great injustices, I still have experienced the "stigma" of being a relatively young widow. 

I want to thank each and every widow that I know personally and via the Internet. I cannot stress enough how tough the past two and a half years have been for me and how much my widow(er) friends have been there for me. I was so distraught with grief in those first few months (OK, maybe my intense grief lasted well over the first year) that I seriously did not want to live in this cruel world. I did not want to live in a world without Chris. 

Don't even get me started with the horrors that I had to witness.

However, in addition to my family (which includes Chris's family), there was a group of people that supported me. They let me know that it was OK to feel what I was feeling and that they were always going to be there for me. Those are my "widda's". Most of my smiles and belly laughs come from having dinner with them. Or reading something that one has written on the Internet. 

They "get it". At two and a half years, I don't have to hide my tears from them. I don't have to hear how I have to move on or get over it. They have been and always will be there for me. 

Even though I am moving forward with my life and I am reaching those goals that I have set, I will always need and have my widda's to walk with me every step of the way.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Moving Forward, Again

It's 2:30am and I can't sleep because I'm replaying my day over and over again. There comes a time in your life where you have to break down the barriers and say that you are not going to let anything stop you from moving forward. I am at that point today. I woke up this morning just like every other morning expecting nothing special. But, things have been strained the past couple of days, and I completely let them get the best of me. Well, something remarkable happened this evening and I had an epiphany. I am more determined to reach my goals. I got an inspiring email that had me sitting up and remembering what my goals in life are and that I'm not going to let anything stand in my way. So, I am getting back on track and I am more determined to see it happen!!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Two and a Half Years

I absolutely cannot believe that tomorrow it will have been two and a half years since I got that fateful phone call. And Saturday will mark two and a half years since he's been gone. Where has the time gone? It feels like just yesterday that we were laughing on the sofa before I went to work. It was just moments ago that we were eating our last meal together. Yet at the same time, if feels like an eternity since I've seen him.

Two and a half years is longer than we were married. How can that be? How can he be gone longer than we were married? At some point, I knew that this day would arrive. I just had no idea that it would knock me over like it did.

Yes, the world keeps spinning and I used to think that I was just along for the ride, oblivious to the time that was passing me by. The past few months with my daughter have been wonderful. I do know that if Chris were here, she would not have been in my life. But, I don't look at is as Chris had to pass away for this. I look at it as she came into my life to lift the grief that was holding me down. And help me start a new chapter in my life.

I can no longer look at the what if's. I have to accept my life for what it is, what has happened, and how I ended up here. I'm in a relatively good place now. My life is finally getting into order and my plans are finally coming to fruition. The only thing missing is Chris. I try not to dwell on it, and I still talk to him. I still hold his pillow close at night. I don't know how much longer I will be like this. But, I do know that I will never stop missing him. Two and a half years is just a drop in the bucket as far as how much time I will spend missing him. He was truly my first love, and I will forever preserve a spot in my heart for him.