Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Realization

I had a nice Memorial weekend up at Higgin's Lake. I've always found it to be very peaceful up there. However, this weekend something clicked inside my head. I'd realized that it's been almost two and a half years since he passed away. I couldn't believe it. That is longer than we were married. How could this have happened? Wasn't it just yesterday that he literally jumped out of our bed and asked me to marry him? Wasn't it just yesterday that Judge Somers married us? Wasn't it just yesterday that we were sitting on the couch talking about the toy snowmobile that I bought his son for Christmas? I know that it wasn't, but it sure feels that way.

I miss him terribly. As much as I love going to the house up there, I sometimes dread it as well. That was where we spent our honeymoon. That was where we spent our last vacation together. I remember them both like they were yesterday. I kept replaying those two weekends in my mind.

I will always remember fondly us cuddling in front of the fireplace to get warm and not wanting to let go of each other when the room warmed up. I smile every time I think of him putting up the tent behind the house so that he could still get the feel of camping out, and also of him running a long extension cord to the tent so that I would feel comfortable with my laptop and other electronics.

He was thoughtful. He treated me so kindly and always wanted me to know that I was loved. I miss him. I miss everything about him. Yes, even the traits that I complained about! If I could have him back, I would let him smoke all he wanted in the house. You have no idea how I long to smell his cigarette smoke.

I can't believe that in just a couple of weeks it will have been two and a half years. The world certainly does keep spinning and time keeps ticking even though he's gone. So, I am doing my best to live and live my life for both of us. But, where in the world did all that time go?

Monday, May 21, 2012

Meltdowns

Life has been stressful lately. I've been keeping it together as best as I can. However, some of the time, it just gets too much to bear and I have a mini meltdown. I've learned from the past that if I feel the tears coming, I need to let them roll down my face. It's just really hard when the meltdown occurs while I'm driving with my daughter in the car! Thank God it only happened once while driving with her!

It's this single parenting thing. It's life's little wrenches being thrown into my gears. It's not having Chris here to tell me that everything will be OK. For the most part, I'm happy. I'm doing OK. But, there are those moments where every little thing adds up and I can't help but breakdown and let the tears fall.

I have been asking myself over and over again, why did this have to happen? I know that my life would be drastically changed if Chris were still here. I know that I would not have my beautiful daughter. But, I can't help but wonder what if? Would we have a daughter together? Where would we be?

Losing Chris has been the single hardest thing that I have ever had to contend with. I still feel the hole left in my heart. I know that it will always be there. I just wish that it didn't hurt so much. Even after almost two and a half years. In the midst of my meltdowns (which really aren't as bad as they were) the single most thing that would alleviate them is Chris. However, if he were still with us, I wouldn't be having these meltdowns.