Thursday, January 26, 2012

Smiling

I've found that recently I've begun to smile again. Not that fake smile where you put it on so that everyone will think that things are OK. It's a genuine smile, look in my eyes when I smile and you'll see that it's genuine. When someone asks how I'm doing, I smile big and say "good." And wow, I actually mean it.

I don't hang my head down when I walk. I hold my head up high because as terrible as this tragedy was, I am still alive. My life has meaning and purpose again. The monster that ended Chris's life and made mine a living hell is banished to prison with no chance of ever seeing freedom again. I have sighed a huge sigh of relief, and gotten back up on the horse (so to speak).

Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, I learned that the hard way. But, when times are good for me, like they are right now, I can't see the dark clouds. I'm by no means "over it" or "moving on"; I am merely beginning to see that I have a life in front of me and I want to be happy. And today, as I write these words, I am very happy.

Monday, January 23, 2012

It's Over

Finally, it's all over. The monster's appeal was denied. I actually have mixed feelings about it. I want to be happy that there is no chance that he will be free, yet the whole reason that he won't be free is because Chris was murdered.

I read the entire decision last night and it was filled with "we disagree", and "we hold that defendant’s constitutional rights were not violated and therefore, he is not entitled to reversal"! I sighed a huge sigh of relief and couldn't sleep after I read it.

I am still filled with hate for this monster. I even hate to see his name, and I refuse to write it anymore. Yet, I want the world to know what a monster he is and what he did to my beloved Christopher.

For the past year and a half, I have had this black cloud over my head. What if he is granted a new trial? What if the verdict is reversed? What if, what if, what if... Now, I don't have to worry about that. I know that this monster will never know freedom. He took that freedom from Chris, and Chris made sure that his freedom was taken away too.

Now, I just need to get him out of my head and go back to pretending that he does not exist.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A Great Start

I really wasn't expecting a good start to the new year. I was thinking more that it was going to come in with a whimper rather than a bang. The bang came a few days after the new year, but it's here and I'm excited. I want to shout from the rooftops what is going on. But, it's not "official" yet, so I'm going to keep being cryptic. Just know that I am one step closer to my Big Goal. I think that I got the approval that I needed, I'm just waiting for it to be official. Then the waiting in the next step begins. I am elated. I'm relieved. I haven't felt this good since 8:10 pm on December 8, 2009. I can't believe that it has been that long since I've felt true happiness for my future.

Yet, there's a sadness behind it. When I got home from work last night and cuddled up with Chris's pillow, I found myself talking to him about it. He is the one that I wanted to tell right away. He is the one that I wanted to share my happiness with. But, I can't have him hug me back and hear him say, "wonderful baby!" So, my feelings are conflicted. I'm so very happy for what is happening in my life, especially that I'd thought that this chapter in my life was closing. Yet, I'm so sad because the ONE person that I want to share it with is no longer here. My eyes kept looking around the bedroom last night for him. I long to feel his touch on my face, to see his smile, and to hear him say that he's happy for me. I just hope that he's smiling down on me and is indeed happy for what is happening in my life.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Another New Year

Here I am alone on another New Years Day. The only difference between this year and the last two is that I'm not wallowing in my sorrow. I'm alone today because I chose to be alone today. Of course I wish that Chris was here beside me and I wasn't writing these words. But, that is not my life. That is just a dream. I still can't believe that he's gone. I hate that it's one more year that we will be apart. I hate that the clock keeps ticking away and time keeps rolling along. But, I have accepted it. It doesn't mean that I have to like it though. I still have hate and anger in my heart for he monster that murdered him. It's just another year that I won't forgive him. Why should I? He took away the absolute most precious thing to me. He also took away my hopes and dreams. I felt like I died that awful day. I am not making any resolutions this year. I feel that all that I can do is continue to survive. I haven't survived this, I continue to survive. It's not over for me. I have to live without Chris every day and every night, I am reminded that he's not here. So, I continue to survive another year without him.