Saturday, December 1, 2012

One Week Away

I have survived nearly 3 years without the love of my life. I still cry, just not nightly. I still miss him, with all my heart! I was fine, or relatively fine, on our wedding anniversary. I was content on Thanksgiving. Yet, "that day" is just one week away. I'm glad that it's on a Saturday night because every year, I light a candle at exactly 12:29 am on December 9. I also say a prayer for my beloved. So, at least this year, I will be able to stay awake without worrying about waking up so early for work the next morning.

I'm such a mess this year. I don't know why, so many great things have happened in my life. I have two wonderful children now. I'm getting ready for our first Christmas together. I have accomplished so much that I have wanted to do. Yet, there is this black cloud hanging over my head lately.

I think it's because I am more aware of my wedding rings than ever before. I am constantly fidgeting with it. Last night, I almost removed it. Permanently. But, I hesitated and decided to keep it on. I know that once I remove it, I will not put it back on. It's a decision that I've been pondering for awhile. And it's not a decision that I am going to make lightly. So, I have decided that I'm going to keep wearing it for just one more week.

It's been nearly three years and I am still clinging to Chris. I will always love him, no matter what. But, I just wonder if by continuing to wear this ring is what is keeping me clinging to the past? I know that he will always be with me, but am I still wanting something that I will never have by wearing this ring? I know that he is not returning. I know that the life that we had is over. I know that there has to be a time when I take more steps toward my future. I know that removing the ring does not mean that I love him any less, but for some reason, I'm so afraid to take it off. I know that he will not be forgotten. I know one day we will be reunited. So, one week it is... 12:29 am December 9.

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