Thursday, October 25, 2012

Feelings of Despair

I hate having an "off" day. I hate those feelings of despair. Especially when they come at those times where you were just feeling OK. Lately, I've been very content with my life. Dare I even say "happy"? I have two wonderful blessings in my life and they are my pride and joy. I have finally started living the life that I wanted to live with Chris. Yes, it's very hard to do this without him. Yes, I think of him often. But, more often than not, those memories bring more smiles than tears. I know that he is proud of me and proud of what I have accomplished thus far.

I am at a point in my life where I actually want to live each moment. I want to grow old to watch my children accomplish each and every one of their dreams. I wake up each morning thankful that I am on this earth for another day. I count my blessings and am grateful for each and every one.

Yet, something happened yesterday. I was in the car with my daughter when a song came on the radio. A song that always, always reminds me of Chris. I smiled through the song and fondly remembered him singing and "dancing" around on our first date. Later in the day, I was driving alone when I had this profound sadness. I thought at first it was because I was leaving my children at my parents for the night. Then I realized that it was this vast hole in my heart that will never heal. I am just a week away from the fifth wedding anniversary. I haven't had this empty, heart crushing despair in quite some time. I hate it. I think everyday that I want to live my life to the fullest and when I've finally accomplished everything that I am supposed to accomplish, I will be reunited with Chris. Yet, sometimes, there is this nagging feeling in my heart, this bone crushing feeling that something is wrong with my life and realizing that what is wrong is that Chris isn't here to share this wonderful life that I've been given.

I can only hope that after time, these feelings of despair will fade. However, I'm not going to hold my breath on it.

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