Saturday, March 17, 2012

The Right to be Happy

Today was my first day off in over two months and my first full weekend off in almost three months. It was an incredibly beautiful day. I drove down the freeway with the sunroof open and the windows down. The radio was blasting. I loudly sang along with Fun, Grouplove, and Childish Gambino. I realized just how happy I was in that moment. I mean, how could I not be happy listening to that music on a day like today? But I quickly wondered if I had a right to be happy. How could I be happy, this happy when Chris suffered such a horrific end to his life? Today is St. Patrick's Day and I'm part Irish. I should be happy today, not questioning it! Today is also the second sadiversary of a dear friends husband's passing too. I should be in NYC with her. But, I know that she has many people surrounding her that love her. Yet, I felt awful when I was smiling and I thought of her. Then I started to think of all my widda friends and all of their spouses who can't enjoy this wonderful day with us. Well, let's just say that my good mood was no more. I so desperately want to be happy and live my life for Chris and me both. But it is so hard when I constantly think about what we would or should be doing on a beautiful day like today. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and wonder what we would be doing. It really sucks when I feel that I can't even enjoy a smile or the sunshine anymore.

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