Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A Great Start

I really wasn't expecting a good start to the new year. I was thinking more that it was going to come in with a whimper rather than a bang. The bang came a few days after the new year, but it's here and I'm excited. I want to shout from the rooftops what is going on. But, it's not "official" yet, so I'm going to keep being cryptic. Just know that I am one step closer to my Big Goal. I think that I got the approval that I needed, I'm just waiting for it to be official. Then the waiting in the next step begins. I am elated. I'm relieved. I haven't felt this good since 8:10 pm on December 8, 2009. I can't believe that it has been that long since I've felt true happiness for my future.

Yet, there's a sadness behind it. When I got home from work last night and cuddled up with Chris's pillow, I found myself talking to him about it. He is the one that I wanted to tell right away. He is the one that I wanted to share my happiness with. But, I can't have him hug me back and hear him say, "wonderful baby!" So, my feelings are conflicted. I'm so very happy for what is happening in my life, especially that I'd thought that this chapter in my life was closing. Yet, I'm so sad because the ONE person that I want to share it with is no longer here. My eyes kept looking around the bedroom last night for him. I long to feel his touch on my face, to see his smile, and to hear him say that he's happy for me. I just hope that he's smiling down on me and is indeed happy for what is happening in my life.

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