Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hanging By a Thread

I made it through Thanksgiving day with little to no tears. I spent it with my family. Even though it was a very happy environment, for me it was very somber. I know that I've mentioned that Thanksgiving day 2009 was our last holiday together. I couldn't help but think about that wonderful day, how happy we were that day. Then my thoughts wandered to thinking about how we would be on this Thanksgiving day. It's tough not to think about what could have been.

But, today is a new day. The next week and a half is going to be very difficult for me. I really thought that the nightly crying was behind me. But, something stirred up the old grief monster and here I am at night crying, wishing that he were at my side. I know that he will never be here physically again, but somedays, I just wish that this was all a bad, bad dream. And as much as I want to be with him, I know that it is not my time yet. I have a purpose in this life. I think I know what that purpose is supposed to be. So, I've been working and fretting about this life plan and my goals that I need to accomplish it.

I have a feeling that in the next couple of weeks, I will know if this one important plan is going to blossom, or if it is going to fizzle out. If it blossoms, then I will know that I am correct in my planning and will actually be able to exhale for a minute. I will know that I am going to do something wonderful with my life. However, my fear is that it might fall apart. I have no idea which way it is going to go. I should have known more by now, but there was a small glitch and things had to be postponed. I will fulfill one more aspect of completing this goal tonight. And hopefully things will go as planned and I will once again be on track to completing this.

In the meantime, I feel as if I am just hanging by a thread because my nerves are on full alert. I am putting on a brave face to get these thing accomplished, yet I just want to fall apart and spend entire days in bed. But, I know what I need to do. So, I am making myself stronger by forcing myself to face my days head on. I'm masking my pain to those that don't need to know about it. And I'm unleashing my tears on those that lend me their shoulders. Hopefully, in a week's time, I can let out a sigh of relief that things are going as planned.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Counting My Blessings

Thanksgiving of 2009 was the last holiday that I spend with Chris. We hosted my side of the family and yes, he even helped cook. Chris was a wonderful cook. I loved that Thanksgiving day. I loved being in the kitchen with him cooking. I especially loved it when he would come up behind me, hug me, and kiss me. I was thankful for my life, for our lives and the life that we were building together. I miss him more than ever today. But, I am so thankful that he was a part of my life. Because of him, I have a whole new family in addition to my own. And I absolutely love them all. I consider his grandmother my own grandmother. I call all of his aunts and uncles "aunt" and "uncle" because that is what I consider them. I don't consider them in-laws. I also feel so glad to have another brother. His brother is a wonderful, wonderful person. They have welcomed me into their family and never abandoned me when Chris passed away. For that, I am so grateful and feel so blessed. The only regret that I have is that Chris could see the relationship that I have built with his family.

I am also so very blessed to have my own family. My father has been so wonderful to me this year. He has supported me in my goals and plans and even sat with me in some classes that I needed to take. Of course, my mother and I are close. I can't go more than a couple of days without talking to her. Who would have thought that we would have this relationship 20 years ago? I love my parents and feel like the most blessed person on earth because of them. I can't leave out my brothers and nephews and sister in law either.

 I am so very thankful for all of my friends. I have one particular friend that I have become closer to over this past year because of the loss of our husbands. I truly wish that we would have met under different circumstances, but unfortunately life is not fair. I have several widow friends that I have met since 2009 and I am so thankful for each and every one. I do not think that I would have survived in one piece without them. Of course I am so very thankful for all of my friends, I have too many to list who and why. Just know that each and every one of you hold a special place in my heart for a special reason.

Lastly, I am so very thankful for those people that have been supporting me and helping me complete my goals for my life. Even those that are doing nothing but praying for me, I want to thank you. My life may have been in shambles after Chris passed away. However, if it weren't for the love and support of all the people in my life, I wouldn't be able to rebuild and complete this one special goal that I have right now. I am truly blessed. So, on this Thanksgiving day, I am not going to look at what I have lost. I am going to look at what Chris has brought to my life.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

My Progresss

I had to take a break from writing lately. Not that I didn't have anything to say. I always have something to say. It's just that I felt that things were a bit too personal to share with the world. So, now that I'm back and in a sharing mood...

I'm feeling better about releasing some of my anger towards the monsters girlfriend. I've been working on it. I can honestly say that I don't feel very many emotions when I drive past her house anymore. I hardly even notice it. It has been a long road to get me here, and it's still a work in progress. I do think in my heart that if she knew what he was going to do, she would not have said anything. So, I think I have released my anger towards her. I almost feel sorry for her if she is still in love with him. I don't know what her feelings are towards him, but I heard that she proclaimed her love for him during his trial. And I genuinely feel sorry for her. How can you knowingly give your heart to someone that you know did this?

And it seems that my plans are once again back on track. It's looking like I've found someone possibly to help me with my goal. Which is wonderful. It's also much, much sooner that I had anticipated. So, things are going to have to get moving at a quicker pace. If things go as I think that they are, I might have them in place by the end of the year. I'm actually astounded by that!!! I have one more thing to do on my end and I guess all that I can do after that is breathe and pray. I will be doing a lot of praying.

I did hit a bit of a down spell. November 2 was to be our 4th wedding anniversary. I really didn't acknowledge it. I didn't want to subject myself to the crying and the pain if it wasn't necessary. So, I tried to treat it as just another day. However, I am finding that as the holidays are creeping up, my moods are slowly fluctuating downward. Especially towards Thanksgiving. The last Thanksgiving that Chris was alive, we hosted the dinner for our family. I was going to have my family over again this year. But, I had to back out because the memories are just too painful. I opted to help my dad prepare dinner at my parent's house instead.

I can't say how I will feel once December 8th arrives. I suspect that I will be in a very somber mood. Which is fine and expected. However, I also expect to hear more about the progress of my goals right around that time too. So my mood could be lifted or dumped right in the gutter. But, as always with grief, who knows how one will feel even an hour from now let alone a few weeks from now?

Friday, November 4, 2011

Project Grief

I'm thinking that grief is a lot like Project Runway. One day you're in/up and one day you're out/down. I've been in a funk and suddenly I'm not. Things were looking bleak, then I just suddenly got it in my head that I can do this. I'm taking Tim Gunn's advice and I can make this work. Every thing will be OK. I am trying my best to keep things on a positive note. I hate the ups and downs that come with grief. Yes, even at 23 months, I still have the highs and lows that come with grieving. I still miss Chris on a daily basis.

The highs and lows aren't as extreme as they once were. But, they are still there. I suspect that I will always have them, as I will always miss Chris. I am just trying to keep my sanity and keep my emotions from running rampant. I think that I've been doing much better. But, every so often, I get hit with grief. And, even though I hate them, it's OK because I expect them and am actually getting used to them now.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I Know That It's Not All About Me

Its almost the dreaded three am and my pillow is severely tear stained. Since it is officially November 1, tomorrow is our fourth wedding anniversary. Or at least it would have been. I miss Chris terribly still. I can't help but feel like I'm being punished by being the lonely widow left behind. I must have committed some serious sins to have to live this life. I still feel like things are slowly falling apart beneath me. Ever since I lost Chris, it's been so hard to hold out hope that anything positive will happen again. I tried. But, it started to fall through, now I'm afraid that it's going to collapse. It seemed like life was so much easier when I was living in ignorance of death.