Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Bad Widow

Sometimes I think that I'm a bad widow because I don't count the days or months since Chris has passed away. When I am asked, I really have to think about it. I don't sulk on every Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm not even sure if I should mourn on Tuesday or Wednesday since he passed away just after midnight on a Wednesday. I know that technically it is a Wednesday, but he was attacked on Tuesday and everything just kind of melded together that night that I considered it Tuesday.

Then there's the date. I don't suffer from anxiety on every 8th or 9th of each month. Some days, I don't even realize that it is the 8th or the 9th. And when I do, Chris' passing doesn't immediately come to mind. In my opinion, I hate the idea of counting the days since he passed. Because it just brings sadness to realize that more days are passing without him. Time is moving forward and it's going to continue to do so. There is nothing that I can do to stop it. So, why recognize it? Why further acknowledge that my life moves forward and his does not? Does that make me a bad widow because I refuse to keep a running tally of how much time has passed?

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Ups and Downs of Widowhood

One day you're up and the next day you're down. That's just the way that it goes, especially when you're a widow. You can't help it. I've made my plans, set my goals and started acting on them. Life has been good to me the past few months. I have thus far been pleased with the way that things were going. Yesterday, I couldn't have been happier with the way that my goals were being met. Then I had a set back today. There are other people involved in my final goal and I just found out that two of the people that I had envisioned me finishing my goal with won't be able to make it with me. While I am very happy for them because they have another option, I am disappointed for myself. But, such is life. I have learned that life certainly does not go according to the plans that I have made. And I can't wallow in my self pity.

So, I took a deep breath, said that I was genuinely happy for these two and continued with my plans. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I got out of bed, actually put on some make-up and went on with my day as planned. I learned with Chris's passing that life is certainly not fair and does not go as you have mapped it out. I have learned that God may not be cruel, but he certainly likes to throw you some curve balls and make it interesting. Maybe this was a good thing. This may not have been what was meant for me at this time. But, I am holding out hope that the right person or persons will come into my life to complete my goals. One thing is certain, I will not give up my faith. I know that in time it will happen. It just wasn't meant to be with these two right now.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Whew!!

So glad that yesterday is over. It was a big, big, big step towards moving forward in living. I can't believe that I'm doing this without Chris. It's hard to fathom my life without him. But, unfortunately, that is my reality and I must at some point begin to live my life again. And that is precisely what I am attempting to do. No, I am living. I am no longer just existing. I am no longer just planning my life. I am actually putting those goals in motion.

I can't believe that I made it through yesterday with no tears. OK, so tears welled up in my eyes as I talked about Chris. But, at the same time, when I spoke of him, I had a huge smile on my face! I'm going to try to stay positive, but as I've learned that nothing in life is guaranteed. There are so many factors that can influence this chapter of my life, I don't know what the outcome will be. All that I can do right now is stay positive and focused on my future. I will say that even though I'm an optimist with everyone else, I tend to be a pessimist with myself. I've learned to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. So, that is exactly what I am doing right now. All that I've prepared myself for in the event that this falls through is that it just wasn't the right time or it wasn't the right thing for me. Of course, I'm hoping that the outcome will be more positive and I can report that I have good news!

In the meantime, I will wait. I've been waiting many months just to get to this point. I am willing to wait as long as necessary. I've also learned that there are definitely things in life that are worth waiting for and this is one of those things!