Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Every Day is a New Day

Every day brings with it a new emotion. For the past few months, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One day, I will wake up happy and so happy to be alive. The very next day, I will throw my covers over my head and vow not to get out of bed. Yet, for the past few days my emotions have been consistantly in the "good" range for a change. I've even been sleeping better. I've had a few bumps in the night, but nothing worth writing about. So, why this new attitude you might ask? It's because every day brings me closer to my goal. I've finally gotten my appointment that I've been waiting months and months for. And my plans are once again being put into action. I still have my moments where I get sad because Chris isn't here to share in this new life that I am living. But, I know that he isn't too far away. I also know that he is smiling down on me because I am making an effort to actively live my life again. This may not have been the life that I planned on living, but this is the life that I am being forced to live. So, I am making the best of it. I am embracing each new day and thankful for each one that I am blessed with.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that has been on my mind lately. I don't know where it's come from. Maybe because I have to drive past the girlfriends house every single day and my anger wells up. I know in my heart that she said something to set this monster off and as a result he did what he did. I want to forgive her, but it's hard. I would like to think that if she knew that her monster boyfriend was going to do what he did, she wouldn't have said anything. I heard her with my own ears say in the Dearborn courts that she told him that Chris flirted with her. Was that what set him off? Jealousy? Chris was a very handsome man. So was this monster (I abhor even looking at his name) so jealous that Chris was friendly with his girlfriend that he had to torture and murder Chris? His lawyer and his family try to say that they were "friends", yet if he was truly Chris's friend, he would know that being friendly was just who Chris was; he didn't mean anything other than to be friendly. Besides, who would do what he did to a friend?

That brings me to forgiving him. The judge talked to me about being Christian and forgiveness. This is something that I have struggled with since the day that it happened. I just can't bring myself to forgive him. I have talked about it until I am blue in the face with two priests, my therapist and another preacher. The conclusion is that I don't have to forgive him. I am human and what I am feeling is OK. I can, and will, leave the forgiveness up to God. All that I can do is try to forget about him. But, that doesn't even work because he is the reason that my beloved isn't here anymore. And how could I ever forgive him for that?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Anxiety and Sleep Deprivation

Lately, I have problems falling asleep due to anxiety. I keep obsessing on the moment that Chris passed away. I relive that night now more than ever. Then my anxiety starts to go up and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. It's God awful to feel that way. Then I am convinced that something is wrong with me. My father had his first heart attack at the age of 40. For years, I was convinced that I wouldn't live to see my 41st birthday. So when I feel my heart pounding and my breaths getting shorter and shorter, I'm convinced that something more than just anxiety is wrong. Then I feel silly, but I still can't sleep and the anxiety doesn't lessen.

I don't know why I've been obsessing though. I don't watch any TV shows before bed anymore. I used to be able to watch any show, including gory horror movies, and not think about the actual person being killed. Now, I have to turn away whenever someone dies, even if it is not violent; but especially if it is violent. I just can't bear to watch it, I actually feel something for the people dying.

So, night after night, I spend hours trying to sleep and trying not to think of what happened to my beloved Christopher. When I do finally fall asleep, I have horrible nightmares. Which, I'm sure isn't surprising in the least. Is it too much to ask that I have at least one peaceful night?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Phoebe and Lefty

I got Phoebe from a roommate about 15 years ago. She was so small and fluffy, she fit right in the palm of my hand. What I remember the most about her when we first got her was that she loved to play with feet. Oh and she hated the smell of peppermint. So, when she would attack our feet, we would put the peppermint foot cream on our feet and she would run. She loved to cuddle all the time. She was such a wonderful cat.

Lefty has a bit of a story. About 12 years ago, I was living in an apartment building and the handyman had asked if I wanted another cat. I told him "not really, why?" He'd said that someone moved out of their apartment and left her behind and she was pregnant. He told me that everyone wanted the kittens, but nobody wanted the cat and his wife wouldn't let him keep her. How could I say no? He named her "Lefty" because she was "left behind". I loved her the minute that I saw her. She loved to cuddle even more than Phoebe did.

When I got my first dog, Brutus, a minpin, Phoebe did not like her. That was her house and she wasn't going to let some dog take over. When I would play fight with Brutus, she would run up and start swatting him to leave me alone! Brutus was so afraid of her that if she was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, he wouldn't go down the stairs. Then I got Babette, the sweet Papillion. She was curious about Phoebe and stuck her nose in Phoebe's face. Well, Phoebe didn't like that and so she swatted her and made her cry. That's all it took for Brutus, he didn't like that at all and he went after Phoebe. Ever since that day I could not get the cats and the dogs to get along. Once I came home from work and Phoebe's tail looked like a lions tail because all the fur was missing except a fluff at the top. The dogs had attacked her while I was at work. It seemed that Lefty always had a patch of fur that was missing.

Chris was a miracle worker, he would sit on the couch with the cats on one side of him and the dogs on the other. I don't know how he did it, but he could get them all four in the same room and they wouldn't fight. Something that I'd never been able to do. When Chris passed away, I had to make a decision. Do I keep the dogs or the cats? My cousin took the cats for me. Eventually, a mutual friend took Phoebe. Lefty stayed with my cousin.

Saturday, my cousin called and told me that Lefty was sick. She wanted to know what vet I took her to. The vet told her to take her to the emergency clinic. She was off to work and I told her that I would do it for her. I never dreamed what would happen next. The vet took one look at her and said that she was a very sick cat. She said that cat's are very good at hiding when they are sick, but she was in liver failure. She speculated that she actually had liver cancer and the prognosis wasn't good. I told them to put her down. Great start to my weekend!!

Well today, my friend told me that she needed to take Phoebe to the Humane Society because she stopped using the litter box. She asked me if I wanted to take her back first. But, I couldn't. She's old and the dogs would fight with her. It just wouldn't be fair to her to bring her home when she would spend the rest of her life afraid of the dogs and living alone in the basement only to come up when the dogs weren't around. So, I decided to meet them up at the Humane Society. Great ending to my weekend!!!

Just because I had to give the cats away doesn't mean that I didn't love them. I cried nearly all weekend. I wanted so badly to say that I was going to take Phoebe home instead of leaving her there today. But, like I said, it wouldn't have been fair to her. She lived a good life, they both did. And I know that the last 21 months of their lives were good. I just can't believe that they are both gone now.