Sunday, April 24, 2011

I'm OK,.. No, I'm not OK,... Yeah, I'm OK

It's funny because I know that life can be good and life will be good. But, sometimes I just hit a wall like today. Today is Easter Sunday. I can't help but think of the things that we should be doing today. Then I start to panic and think that I just can't do this.

I have a secret confession to make. Even though I know that I will be OK, I lie in bed every night and think about Chris and how much I miss him and how I just can't believe that he's gone. I don't cry every night anymore. But, I still shed tears for him at least once a week. I also have problems when my eyes linger on pictures of him for too long. Those are the moments that I question my existence. I question why he was taken and pray that God let me go back and relive that day with the knowledge that I have right now. I want to save him. I want to save us both.

As much as I know that in the end I will be OK, I still don't want to live this life. But, unfortunately, I have no choice. So, I have to live my life the best way that I know how. It doesn't mean that I love Chris any less, it just means that I love him so much that I'm honoring him by living for both of us.

Friday, April 15, 2011

I'm OK

I have been in a wonderful mood lately. I have finally realized that it's going to be OK. That I am going to be OK. That living my life, actually living my life without Chris is going to be OK. Well, I'm still working on that last part. But, I'm getting there. I've been feeling wonderful about myself. I've made strides in my personal life. I've done something the other day that I never in a million years thought that I would ever do, yet I did it. And I also did it without Chris, without thinking of Chris and therefore without tears. What a major accomplishment that was.

I think that the feeling that I have right now is that of relief because I have made another step forward in my life and I am OK. I didn't crumble, my world didn't fall down around me. I didn't stumble. I have survived it. I am amazed at myself right now. I actually can say that I feel so good about myself right now, I want to start living. I want to actually LIVE!!! I have decided that the days of wallowing are over, yes I can and will still grieve for my Christopher, but I will live my life the way that I should be living my life. The world is still spinning, life is still going on around me and I need to start living my life. I keep saying that I need to honor Chris's memory by living my life. But, so far that has just been staying alive. Now, I am going to take an active role in my life and start living, getting healthy and more active. I will make Chris proud of me.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Dating and the Lonely Widow

I've been so lonely lately. I've thought of dating. But to be honest it scares the hell out of me. Just the thought of it feels like I'm cheating on Chris. After almost sixteen months, I still proudly wear my wedding rings and I still feel as if I'm married. And when I wrote of the sleepless nights, that's when the dating entered my mind. So, it's not coincidence that I am having trouble sleeping. I'm lonely. I want to be loved. I want someone to love and that will love me back, yet I want that someone to be Chris. I have long ago accepted that Chris is not here to love me back, but that does not stop the yearning for him. I will always love him and want him. I think that even if I do start to date I will still love him. He was my first true love and there will always be a special place in my heart for him.

I'm confused and conflicted. I want to start dating, but I don't want to take off my wedding rings. I think that I'm ready to date, yet I still dream of Chris and the first thing that I say to him is that I'm not cheating on him and that I still love him. This is a huge step for me. Even the thought of it is a huge step. I'm not forgetting about Chris and I'm not "moving on". I'm merely moving forward to another chapter in my life. My life cannot be put on hold anymore.

I have been thinking of my granny lately. She remained a widow for many, many years. She swore that her husband was it and that she was never going to date. And she didn't for nearly 25 years. She finally met a man when she was in her 80's. She seemed happy all those years that she was alone, and she seemed happy when she had a "boyfriend" as well. I know that I can be happy by myself, at this very moment I am content with my life. However, I feel as if something is missing. There seems to be a void in my life. I'm taking steps to improve other aspects of my life. I still just wish that Chris was here and I didn't have to make all of these decisions.