Thursday, December 8, 2011

Two Years Ago

I can't believe that it's been two years. Two long years! Yet, it seems like just yesterday we were cuddled on the couch laughing and watching tv and I lived in ignorant bliss. I think what's different about this year is that the fog has lifted. I can't hide under the covers anymore. I'm more cognizant of the reality of the "situation." Two years ago, I wanted the world to stop because my beloved Christopher was not in it anymore. Today, I realize that the world will keep spinning and life continues. So, I have made it my quest to live each day to it's fullest, especially since Chris was robbed of his future. I don't hide from the world anymore. I can actually say that I am living and not just existing anymore. And, I have made major plans for my future. (Whether they come to fruition or not, is yet to be seen.)

Today was still a hard day for me. I managed to wake up at a decent time and get up out of bed to tackle my day. Although, I still found myself sitting in front of the tv/computer/nothing and suddenly I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I hadn't even realized that I was crying. It's so hard to not remember only the good times that we had (he wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me) and to wish beyond hope that he will return to me. Yet, I know that it is not going to happen. I do feel that he is with me wherever I go and whatever I do. But, I long to hold him, kiss him and look into his beautiful brown eyes while I tell him that I love him. I just know that will not happen. 

Just because my world ended on December 9, 2009 doesn't mean that the rest of the world ended along with it. I can say without a doubt that just because he is not with us today, does not mean that my love has waned one iota. Can it be possible that I love him even more today than the day that we were married? Yes, I think it is. I feel so much love for him it hurts. I can only imagine how terrified he must have been two years ago. Yet, I know that he was brave. He held on to life long enough to say his goodbyes to me. And now, I need to be just as brave to face this world without him.

I have asked all of my friends and family to light a candle for Chris. So, please join us and light a candle for my wonderful, beautiful husband. You can even light a virtual candle here.