Wednesday, November 16, 2011

My Progresss

I had to take a break from writing lately. Not that I didn't have anything to say. I always have something to say. It's just that I felt that things were a bit too personal to share with the world. So, now that I'm back and in a sharing mood...

I'm feeling better about releasing some of my anger towards the monsters girlfriend. I've been working on it. I can honestly say that I don't feel very many emotions when I drive past her house anymore. I hardly even notice it. It has been a long road to get me here, and it's still a work in progress. I do think in my heart that if she knew what he was going to do, she would not have said anything. So, I think I have released my anger towards her. I almost feel sorry for her if she is still in love with him. I don't know what her feelings are towards him, but I heard that she proclaimed her love for him during his trial. And I genuinely feel sorry for her. How can you knowingly give your heart to someone that you know did this?

And it seems that my plans are once again back on track. It's looking like I've found someone possibly to help me with my goal. Which is wonderful. It's also much, much sooner that I had anticipated. So, things are going to have to get moving at a quicker pace. If things go as I think that they are, I might have them in place by the end of the year. I'm actually astounded by that!!! I have one more thing to do on my end and I guess all that I can do after that is breathe and pray. I will be doing a lot of praying.

I did hit a bit of a down spell. November 2 was to be our 4th wedding anniversary. I really didn't acknowledge it. I didn't want to subject myself to the crying and the pain if it wasn't necessary. So, I tried to treat it as just another day. However, I am finding that as the holidays are creeping up, my moods are slowly fluctuating downward. Especially towards Thanksgiving. The last Thanksgiving that Chris was alive, we hosted the dinner for our family. I was going to have my family over again this year. But, I had to back out because the memories are just too painful. I opted to help my dad prepare dinner at my parent's house instead.

I can't say how I will feel once December 8th arrives. I suspect that I will be in a very somber mood. Which is fine and expected. However, I also expect to hear more about the progress of my goals right around that time too. So my mood could be lifted or dumped right in the gutter. But, as always with grief, who knows how one will feel even an hour from now let alone a few weeks from now?

1 comment:

  1. Hi Ann, You don't know me but I am a local mom here and I stumbled upon your blog after reading my friends blog about the death of her husband. I want to let you know that I am so sorry you went though that. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you walk this difficult journey.