Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hanging By a Thread

I made it through Thanksgiving day with little to no tears. I spent it with my family. Even though it was a very happy environment, for me it was very somber. I know that I've mentioned that Thanksgiving day 2009 was our last holiday together. I couldn't help but think about that wonderful day, how happy we were that day. Then my thoughts wandered to thinking about how we would be on this Thanksgiving day. It's tough not to think about what could have been.

But, today is a new day. The next week and a half is going to be very difficult for me. I really thought that the nightly crying was behind me. But, something stirred up the old grief monster and here I am at night crying, wishing that he were at my side. I know that he will never be here physically again, but somedays, I just wish that this was all a bad, bad dream. And as much as I want to be with him, I know that it is not my time yet. I have a purpose in this life. I think I know what that purpose is supposed to be. So, I've been working and fretting about this life plan and my goals that I need to accomplish it.

I have a feeling that in the next couple of weeks, I will know if this one important plan is going to blossom, or if it is going to fizzle out. If it blossoms, then I will know that I am correct in my planning and will actually be able to exhale for a minute. I will know that I am going to do something wonderful with my life. However, my fear is that it might fall apart. I have no idea which way it is going to go. I should have known more by now, but there was a small glitch and things had to be postponed. I will fulfill one more aspect of completing this goal tonight. And hopefully things will go as planned and I will once again be on track to completing this.

In the meantime, I feel as if I am just hanging by a thread because my nerves are on full alert. I am putting on a brave face to get these thing accomplished, yet I just want to fall apart and spend entire days in bed. But, I know what I need to do. So, I am making myself stronger by forcing myself to face my days head on. I'm masking my pain to those that don't need to know about it. And I'm unleashing my tears on those that lend me their shoulders. Hopefully, in a week's time, I can let out a sigh of relief that things are going as planned.

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