Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that has been on my mind lately. I don't know where it's come from. Maybe because I have to drive past the girlfriends house every single day and my anger wells up. I know in my heart that she said something to set this monster off and as a result he did what he did. I want to forgive her, but it's hard. I would like to think that if she knew that her monster boyfriend was going to do what he did, she wouldn't have said anything. I heard her with my own ears say in the Dearborn courts that she told him that Chris flirted with her. Was that what set him off? Jealousy? Chris was a very handsome man. So was this monster (I abhor even looking at his name) so jealous that Chris was friendly with his girlfriend that he had to torture and murder Chris? His lawyer and his family try to say that they were "friends", yet if he was truly Chris's friend, he would know that being friendly was just who Chris was; he didn't mean anything other than to be friendly. Besides, who would do what he did to a friend?

That brings me to forgiving him. The judge talked to me about being Christian and forgiveness. This is something that I have struggled with since the day that it happened. I just can't bring myself to forgive him. I have talked about it until I am blue in the face with two priests, my therapist and another preacher. The conclusion is that I don't have to forgive him. I am human and what I am feeling is OK. I can, and will, leave the forgiveness up to God. All that I can do is try to forget about him. But, that doesn't even work because he is the reason that my beloved isn't here anymore. And how could I ever forgive him for that?

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