Thursday, September 15, 2011

Anxiety and Sleep Deprivation

Lately, I have problems falling asleep due to anxiety. I keep obsessing on the moment that Chris passed away. I relive that night now more than ever. Then my anxiety starts to go up and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. It's God awful to feel that way. Then I am convinced that something is wrong with me. My father had his first heart attack at the age of 40. For years, I was convinced that I wouldn't live to see my 41st birthday. So when I feel my heart pounding and my breaths getting shorter and shorter, I'm convinced that something more than just anxiety is wrong. Then I feel silly, but I still can't sleep and the anxiety doesn't lessen.

I don't know why I've been obsessing though. I don't watch any TV shows before bed anymore. I used to be able to watch any show, including gory horror movies, and not think about the actual person being killed. Now, I have to turn away whenever someone dies, even if it is not violent; but especially if it is violent. I just can't bear to watch it, I actually feel something for the people dying.

So, night after night, I spend hours trying to sleep and trying not to think of what happened to my beloved Christopher. When I do finally fall asleep, I have horrible nightmares. Which, I'm sure isn't surprising in the least. Is it too much to ask that I have at least one peaceful night?

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