Thursday, August 4, 2011

Thoughts Exploding Within Me

I was thinking today about this raw emptiness that sits in my stomach. It's there all the time. Whether I'm happy or not. It's always there. It wrenches at my gut, it claws at my insides. Unless you've lost your spouse, I doubt that you know what this feeling is like. There's this constant feeling that something is missing. It causes anxiety to creep up sometimes. Sometimes I can suppress the anxiety, sometimes I can't.

The world keeps spinning and everybody's lives keep moving on; all the while my world is crumbling down. I keep building my life, living my life to it's full potential, and put on this fake smile. Yet inside, I feel helpless. I feel like I'm going to explode. I haven't been able to sleep the past 3 nights. Thankfully, I've been able to get in a couple hours naps during the day. But, as I lay awake at night, my thoughts wander naturally to Chris and what our life would be like. I do think about my future and about the plans that I have set in motion. I wonder if I'm making the right decisions. I wonder what Chris thinks about them. I know how my family and his family feels about them, and I would like to think that he would be happy for me also. But, I can't help but be a little sad that my world is spinning and moving forward without him.

I can only hope that one day this anxiety pit in my stomach will ease up. I suspect that part of it is because I am making plans without Chris and that when those plans finally go through, the GM will ease up.

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