Friday, August 26, 2011

Grief Attack

Something once again triggered the "I can't believe that he's gone" reaction in me this week. Yes, I know that he just had a birthday. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being so stressed out, I'm sick. I'm tired of being tired. I miss him, I know that I will always miss him. But, I wonder when will the day come around where I no longer am in disbelief? I haven't had an attack of grief in so long that was this painful. I am in no way "over it" or "moving on". I just have been able to accept that he isn't here and that he isn't coming home and move past it. But, his birthday really set me over the edge this week. Every night as I drive home from work, I can't help but remember that night. I've reverted back to "why couldn't I save him" mode.

The only good thing that has come out of it is that I'm actually sleeping. I'm still waking up in the middle of the night from some awful dreams. But, in the morning, I've managed to get a full nights rest. Nobody said that life was fair, but what happened to Chris is well beyond unfair. At almost 21 months, I am still haunted by that night. So, I'm doing the best that I can this week to keep my head up. It's been hard, but I firmly believe that I'm here for a purpose and I'm trying my best to live up to it.

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