Monday, August 29, 2011

The 4 'S' Triggers

I don't break down everyday anymore. However, I've noticed that there is something every single day that makes me think of him and cause the disbelief to rise up to the surface. Some days and some triggers are more hurtful than others. But, each one brings a bit of sorrow with it. No matter how my day is going, one of these triggers can halt me in my tracks and throw me down.

Songs - Chris was so big into music. There are certain songs that instantly remind me of him. Even new songs that he never heard can bring me crashing down. It brings great sorrow to hear a song that I just know that he would have loved and will never be able to hear. There are other songs that he would play for me that bring back a certain memory, and of course that will cause me even more longing for him.

Smells - I hate cigarettes. Chris smoked and even though I objected, I never lectured him about it; just about the smoking in the house and around his son. But, I once told my therapist that if I suddenly smelled cigarettes out of nowhere, I would know that he was near me. Lo and behold, I started smelling cigarettes that very night. The scent was so strong Christmas of 2009, that my brother got into my car and asked me when I'd started smoking. And of course when I smell his cologne I am reminded that he will never spritz that scent on ever again.

Sunshine - I love a nice warm sunny day. But, I am also saddened by them as well. I am saddened because I will start to think what a beautiful day it is to be alive and then I remember that Chris isn't here to enjoy those beautiful days with me. It's a guarantee that any sunny day, he'd be outside doing something, no matter how hot it got. Beautiful sunny days bring about mixed emotions.

Storms - I also love a good storm at night, so did Chris. He would go out on the porch and I would follow. Then after he'd smoke a cigarette or two, we'd go to bed and just cuddle listening to the thunder. As the lightening lit up the room, I could see him smiling at me. Storms cause me the most grief now because I lay in bed alone and just think about him and the haunting events of his last night here.

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean -- the reminders don't always make me sad, but I think something will remind me about him every single day.