Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Wondering...

Everyday I can't help it, but I wonder "what would Chris and I be doing today?" I know that he would be so happy that I managed to plant some flowers, that they are blooming and that they are still alive, even in this heat!! I also have managed to keep the flowers and plants alive on the porch. I had a garden last year, but I opted not to do it again this year. I did it last year because Chris wanted a garden; so I honored him by planting a huge vegetable garden. I just didn't find the time to go to the store and get the plants (except for some potted ones for the porch and some clematis) and certainly didn't find the time to plant that much. It was overwhelming last year. I need to take lessons from my mom about gardening, I don't have a green thumb at all. However, I managed to keep the garden all year, but it was emotionally a struggle. It was hard because I thought of Chris and how he wanted a vegetable garden and he never got to have one. That's why I did it. I suspect that I didn't find the time to get the plants was because the emotional toll was too great.

Last year, I was numb. I was still in that fog and hoping that he was going to come home. Last summer I was dealing with the trial, hoping and wishing that it was all a dream. Things are a bit clearer this year. I have long ago realized that he's not coming home. That realization makes things so difficult to bear. You would think that at 19 months in this journey, I would be getting used to it. But, I'm still learning how to live. I'm still learning how to cope. I'm not numb anymore, I know that this is not a dream, and I know that I cannot wish for him to come home. All that I can do is wonder what we would be doing today.

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