Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Grief is a Fickle Bitch

Did I mention how much I hate grief yet? I hate the ups and downs that come along with grief. I can be on top of the world and all that it can take is one small comment or thing that can push me right off the edge. To top everything off, I'm experiencing some God awful physical side effects of the grief. (At least that's what I'm attributing my symptoms to.) For the most part, I'm OK. I've been happy, not overly happy. But, I haven't been overly sad either. I guess that you could say that I've been content with my life. The bad has been cancelled out by the good and it's been an even trade. I really should be happier, but there's the missing Chris and the nightmares (yes still) that are keeping me down. I know that I will forever miss Chris. But, will I ever get over this profound sadness?

I've been feeling ill lately. For the most part, all of my life I've been pretty healthy. My symptoms are so scary that I almost went to the ER in the middle of the night. Then it hit me, with the way that I was feeling, I shouldn't be driving. And there it more reason that I missed Chris. Who would take me to the hospital during an emergency? But then again, I think that my symptoms are being brought on my grief because I've read that it can manifest itself physically. I can't say why now all of a sudden it's getting worse physically, but I do think that it's grief (and PTSD) related. I think that if Chris were still alive, I wouldn't have these symptoms and I would be just fine.

So, grief likes to play little games with our minds and bodies. I want off this damn roller coaster ride! There are so many good things in my life that are being overshadowed right now by grief. STILL!! So, I go to therapy, I see my doctor, and I talk with my priest. What else can I do? It follows me everywhere, everywhere I look I am reminded that Chris isn't here. Yes, everywhere I go and every thing that I do I am reminded that Chris isn't here and that brings pain. I've long ago accepted that Chris isn't coming back, and I'm trying to live my life in a way that would make him proud of me. But, there are days when it's just hard to live a happy life because of the way that his life ended. I do anticipate being happy one day; it's going to take a long fight, but that's one fight that I'm committed to fighting to the bitter end!

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