Monday, June 6, 2011

Just Some Random Thoughts

I still have my days where I wish that I'd come home from work early and this monster had killed me too. Please don't confuse this with me not wanting to live or wishing that I was dead or suicidal. It's just some days the pain of living without him is so intense I just find it so difficult to live. I do want to live! I have plans for my future. Many plans for my future, in fact. It's just that some days that future is hard to see through the fog of grief.

And then there's the loneliness. The every night ritual of making sure that the blankets are covering his side of the bed (he used to complain that I "hogged" the covers at night). So every night I make a point of fixing his side of the bed so that I don't take the covers and when I wake in the middle of the night, I make sure that the covers are still on his side of the bed. And for what? It's just a reminder that he's not ever going to sleep in our bed again.

I sometimes feel like a broken record, going on and on about how I miss him. Yet, I don't dare tell anyone except for my widowed friends. Nobody else will get it. They all expect me to "be over it" by now. I am constantly asked if I am dating anyone or why do I still wear my ring. Really, it's no ones business if I'm dating again or when I'm going to take off my ring. I still feel married to Chris. Yes, yes, I know that he's gone that he passed away. But, I still am his wife and I still feel this connection to him. So until I feel that connection with someone else, his ring will stay on my finger.

1 comment:

  1. Ann, the bed thing is so hard, isn't it? Myself, I've been sleeping on Jerry's side of the bed since he died, because I can't bear the thought of looking over from my side and seeing his side empty. But instead I look over at my side and wish I were over there, with him back on his own side. (I always seemed to end up with the covers pulled over to my side too. I would always say "You threw the covers over to my side again!")

    Monday is a year since he died. I'm not suicidal either, but on the other hand wouldn't be crushed if I just stopped existing... at least for a while.

    Love to you.