Monday, June 20, 2011

Hide and Seek

I think that lately I've been playing a game of hide and seek with the grief monster. I've been running from it, but it seems to catch me. I've been hiding from it, but it seems to find me. It's been just over 18 months for me and just over a year since I've been blogging about my loss and how it's affected me. It's been one heck of a road that I've travelled. I've come so far, yet I feel some days that I've stalled at the starting line.

I've fired my therapist because she just plain and simple wasn't helping me. I found her to be more of a hindrance and I have been more unhappy these past few months. And food has become my best friend. Luckily, I have made arrangements with my insurance and I will be seeing my old therapist from when Chris passed away. I feel more comfortable with her than anyone else and I know that things will get back on track. I actually feel slightly better, at least with the eating, knowing that the therapist issue is taken care of.

I can't just blame my therapist for the grief monster reappearing. My birthday is in just over a week.There's no reason to celebrate without Chris. Last year was supposed to be a milestone celebration and it was nothing but a huge let down, so I have no hopes of anything this year. I keep thinking of the birthday celebration that he threw for me with a few of my friends where he made his famous ribs and we just chilled all night by a fire. Then the following week we celebrated again up north with my family. Nothing could top that celebration. Mostly because it was the last celebration that I had with Chris. He did everything that he could to make sure that I was happy on my birthday. Ironically, I see the therapist again for the first time on my birthday. Happy birthday to me!!!

So, for now I will continue to play hide and seek with the grief monster. I will run as fast as I can from it and hide in my best hiding spots. I do know that when it finds me, I will have to pay, and I will have to pay dearly. But, hopefully I can run and hide for just one more week and then I will be ok. In the meantime, I will keep my brave face on and act as if nothing is wrong (which is exactly what is expected of me at this point.)

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