Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Cemetery

I went to the cemetery for the first time this year on Sunday. It's so surreal. I don't mind seeing my name on the headstone, it's seeing Chris's name that bothers me. I went out there with our grandmother, I don't like going there by myself because I tend to break down too much. Of course I bought him a beautiful bouquet of flowers, I also bought one for his parents as well.

I sometimes feel selfish when I go with our grandmother and get all choked up with my grieving. I feel selfish because I can't even imagine what she must be feeling to see her daughter's and grandson's names on the headstones. Chris's mother passed away over 20 years ago, he was only 8 years old. He did go to the cemetery and visit both his parents often. I feel like a bad wife because I don't go there so much. I just can't, my heart aches every time I do because it makes this life that I'm living too real.

I like to live thinking that he's coming home one day. I do know that I will see him again, but never in this life. So, I get to pretend sometimes. I know that it may not be healthy, but it is something that keeps me sane (yeah a totally irrational thing is keeping me sane). I don't want to believe that there is evil like the monster that took Chris's life. It's just easier for me to pretend.

No comments:

Post a Comment