Monday, May 16, 2011

Our House / Our Home

Even to this day, I get comments about our house and how I shouldn't live there. I still have nightmares about that night. But, truth be told, I would have nightmares whether or not I lived there. What people don't understand is that when I walk through the house I see Chris everywhere. I see him from the moment that I walk in the door since he put in both doors (well thanks to the monster that killed him the back door had to be replaced, but the lock was him.)

When I sit in the living room, I see him because of the extra light that comes into the room because of the front door. I remember when I tried to replace the lock on the front door, I drilled the hole crooked. He was away and couldn't replace the lock; and me being impatient, couldn't wait for him to replace it. So, I had to live with a crooked hole in the door until he came home to replace the front door. He joked with me that I did it on purpose because I wanted a new front door and thanks to my handywork, we needed a new front door. So, he let me pick out whatever door I wanted. I actually picked out several and said that he could help me pick it out. But, he just told me to pick out the one that I really wanted and that would be the door that he would put in for me. He told me that above all he wanted me to be happy and he wanted me to have whatever I wanted.

Because he didn't have steady work, he would make things for me that I said that I would like around the house instead of buying me gifts. I didn't even have to ask him for them either. My absolute favorite thing that he did for me was build me shelves inside our hall closet. I have so many items for the kitchen because I love to cook and bake that I just don't have enough room inside the kitchen for everything. (He even made up a song that he would sing to me about how much I loved my mixer!) So, out of the blue, for an early birthday present, he built me some shelves in the closet across from the kitchen.

All of the door knobs were replaced because one day I locked myself in the bathroom. After he joked with me that I would have to climb out the window in my bathrobe, he finally freed me and went up to Lowe's while I was at work and bought the rest of the door knobs so that I wouldn't lock myself in the bathroom again and that all of the door knobs in the hallway would match.

There was a list of things that we both wanted done with the house, but it is long gone. I can't stand to have anyone else check off that list because it was his list. It was his list of things that he wanted to do to his house, to our house. It will seem like a betrayal to have anyone else complete his list because he was so proud of his house. It was the only place that he could call "HIS", and he was so proud every time he checked an item off of his list.

So, as I sit on the couch and look around the house, I see Chris everywhere. I especially see him in the light that comes into the room. He is a part of this house, he is what made this house a home. How can I ever leave this?

1 comment:

  1. If you ever have a good enough reason to leave - most likely if you find yourself needing the space to make new memories with someone else - then you can make that decision. Otherwise, envelope yourself in the love of the house. You will know what you need and when you need it. Trust in yourself. <3