Thursday, May 5, 2011

A confession

I spoke to a recent widow today. One of my mother's coworkers lost her husband a few weeks ago and I went up to her work to see her. She had said that she didn't know how I could have done it. She didn't know how I could have gotten through these feelings and how strong I am. I confessed to her that I am not strong, but that is a perception that people see because I have held myself together when I'm around other people. But at night, when I'm alone, I secretly tell myself that I just can't do this. Still, to this day, I tell myself that. Not every night, but often enough. It all starts with my drive home from work when I start to remember the phone call, or sometimes when I lay in bed and remember when he would ask me to scratch his back...

The "episodes" are still there, I still cry. They are still intense, I cry until I start to hyperventilate. They still last, I cry until I can't breathe anymore. They just don't last quite as long, because eventually, I am able to take a deep breath. And then I start the list of reasons why I am going to make this work, why I am going to survive this, and why I am going to wake up in the morning. I think of Chris and how disappointed in me he would be if I just gave up. I know in my heart that he would want me to live. I know that he would want me to be happy and enjoy my life. Thinking about the good things that I want to come into my life and what I want out of my future are what brings me out of an episode of severe grief.

Today was a beautiful, sunny day and as I was leaving her work, I drove away thinking that today was a great day to be alive. Who wouldn't love their life on a day like today? I do understand that my moods are all over the place lately and are somewhat influenced by the weather. Today was a perfect example. I was loving my life today, sure, I missed Chris. I wished more than anything that he could have been sitting on the porch with me, or sitting on the swing in the backyard with me. But, unfortunately, I can't have everything. So, I have to enjoy the beautiful things in life for both of us. I believe in my heart that he is looking down on me and every time that I smile, he smiles. And that, makes me smile even more.

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