Sunday, April 24, 2011

I'm OK,.. No, I'm not OK,... Yeah, I'm OK

It's funny because I know that life can be good and life will be good. But, sometimes I just hit a wall like today. Today is Easter Sunday. I can't help but think of the things that we should be doing today. Then I start to panic and think that I just can't do this.

I have a secret confession to make. Even though I know that I will be OK, I lie in bed every night and think about Chris and how much I miss him and how I just can't believe that he's gone. I don't cry every night anymore. But, I still shed tears for him at least once a week. I also have problems when my eyes linger on pictures of him for too long. Those are the moments that I question my existence. I question why he was taken and pray that God let me go back and relive that day with the knowledge that I have right now. I want to save him. I want to save us both.

As much as I know that in the end I will be OK, I still don't want to live this life. But, unfortunately, I have no choice. So, I have to live my life the best way that I know how. It doesn't mean that I love Chris any less, it just means that I love him so much that I'm honoring him by living for both of us.

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