Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Dating and the Lonely Widow

I've been so lonely lately. I've thought of dating. But to be honest it scares the hell out of me. Just the thought of it feels like I'm cheating on Chris. After almost sixteen months, I still proudly wear my wedding rings and I still feel as if I'm married. And when I wrote of the sleepless nights, that's when the dating entered my mind. So, it's not coincidence that I am having trouble sleeping. I'm lonely. I want to be loved. I want someone to love and that will love me back, yet I want that someone to be Chris. I have long ago accepted that Chris is not here to love me back, but that does not stop the yearning for him. I will always love him and want him. I think that even if I do start to date I will still love him. He was my first true love and there will always be a special place in my heart for him.

I'm confused and conflicted. I want to start dating, but I don't want to take off my wedding rings. I think that I'm ready to date, yet I still dream of Chris and the first thing that I say to him is that I'm not cheating on him and that I still love him. This is a huge step for me. Even the thought of it is a huge step. I'm not forgetting about Chris and I'm not "moving on". I'm merely moving forward to another chapter in my life. My life cannot be put on hold anymore.

I have been thinking of my granny lately. She remained a widow for many, many years. She swore that her husband was it and that she was never going to date. And she didn't for nearly 25 years. She finally met a man when she was in her 80's. She seemed happy all those years that she was alone, and she seemed happy when she had a "boyfriend" as well. I know that I can be happy by myself, at this very moment I am content with my life. However, I feel as if something is missing. There seems to be a void in my life. I'm taking steps to improve other aspects of my life. I still just wish that Chris was here and I didn't have to make all of these decisions.

2 comments:

  1. Moving on is hard. Having shared a love and being loved validated that we were lovable and that we could love and be loved back. When someone dies and a void is created I think it's perfectly natural to miss that love. It's natural to desire to experience love and and to desire to be loved again by someone else. I think moving on and rediscovering feelings can be shared with another in no way diminishes what we had with the spouse that is gone. We do not have to give up our memories; we can keep them and also love another.

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  2. This was amazing advice - exactly what I needed to see right about now. Thank you!
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